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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2025-07-01 04:00:06+00:00.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ProfessOverthinker

Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes

AITAH for wanting a divorce after my husband gaslit me into believing him flirting with a coworker was okay because I was “just hormonal”

Trigger Warnings: emotional affair, emotional manipulation, gaslighting

Original Post: February 21, 2025

Hi Reddit,

I’m a 30y f married to my 34y m for over six years. We have two beautiful children, a three-year-old and an eight-month-old. We’ve been together for over 10 years, and our relationship has been amazing from the beginning.

About a year ago (I was approximately 6 months pregnant), I noticed my husband paying more attention to his phone whenever he came home from work. So, one night during dinner when his phone kept dinging, I asked him about it.

I asked, “Who has your attention lately?”

It was a female coworker who had just transferred to his department, along with a good colleague of his in this group chat. I had never heard of this female coworker, so I tried to play it off as my husband being nice to a new colleague.

Days went by, and that phone became the bane of my existence. It constantly dinged and I was fighting for his attention whenever he got home from work. I had enough. So, one night while he was showering, I went through his phone.

And there it was, the group chat, along with instagram messages of just my husband and his female coworker teasing each other about work.

I confronted my husband immediately and confessed that I had indeed gone through his phone. I was certainly embarrassed, as this was a first for me, but I explained that I had a hunch something wasn’t right and needed to see it for myself. I pointed out that the group chat was quite unusual, but the private chats on Instagram were highly inappropriate for a married man. I simply requested that he refrain from having private chats with her, but I was comfortable with the group chat. He agreed and apologized for making me feel that way.

A few months later (I am approximately 8 months pregnant), as we were returning home from a summer vacation, my son’s iPad began dinging repeatedly in the backseat of my car. Unbeknownst to me, my husband had inadvertently connected his iCloud to our son’s iPad. Suddenly, there she was, repeatedly appearing on the iPad, sending texts after texts. And this time, there were even pictures…

I was at my wit’s end. I confronted my husband with such rage, anger and distrust.

His reasoning was, “You’re just feeling hormonal right now. This isn’t you. You’re not the jealous, insecure type. Once you’re no longer pregnant, you should get to know her, have a drink with her, and you’ll like her.”

Using my own hormones and emotions against me, at 8 months pregnant, I unfortunately caved and believed him and left it at that.

Shortly after welcoming our newborn baby and adjusting to our new family of four, we experienced pure bliss. However, our blissful state was short-lived as paternity leave ended, and my husband returned to work, along with my husband’s female coworker.

One evening, after we had tucked the children into bed, I found myself browsing through my husband’s phone, admiring pictures of our children.

DING it’s her…

I instantly and without hesitation opened the conversation, and my mouth dropped. It was a conversation where my husband was begging her to work a specialized assignment with just him. The two of them, alone in a car, five days a week. I felt an instant wave of regret. Regret for not listening to my gut months ago and letting him gaslight me into thinking this situation was all in my head because of my “hormones.” Now, I want a divorce but my husband is now begging me to “not ruin our family”.

So Reddit, am I the asshole for breaking apart this family?

UPDATE 2/22/25 (Editor’s note: next day)

After reading all these comments and absorbing the advice, I finally realize that I’m not “hormonal” and not the sole reason behind this marriage’s failure. So, thank you for validating my feelings all along.

As for my husband, I’ve asked him to leave the house until I’ve made a decision. Initially, he didn’t believe me, but when I took the kids and told him he better not be here when I return with them, he was beside himself. He completely lost it. He’s begged me to reconsider, offering to block her, leaving his job, and doing anything else to keep us together.

But a few months ago, I politely asked you to stop texting her privately. His response was, “I thought I was just being her friend. I didn’t see it the way you did.” What upsets me is that he didn’t take me seriously back then, but now that I’m packing up our kids and leaving, he suddenly takes me seriously?…

We will see what happens when I get home… To be continued…

UPDATE #2 2/22/25 PM (Editor’s note: same day, hours later)

I returned home from an evening out with my kids, grateful that my husband respected my wishes and wasn’t home when we arrived.

After putting the kids to bed, I received a text from my husband asking if he could come over and talk so we could resolve our issues without involving the kids.

I agreed.

As soon as I opened the door, he handed me his phone. On the other line, I heard her, the female coworker. She was saying, “Hello? Hello?”

I immediately hung up his phone and demanded to know why he wanted me to talk to her.

He claimed they had been discussing all night about how they could convince me that they were nothing more than “just good coworkers.” I reminded him that this marriage is between the two of us, not three, and that the only person who needed to address this mess was himself.

He insisted that I speak with her and even had the audacity to suggest “getting that drink I told you to get with her a few months back when you were no longer pregnant and crazy.”

I told him, “Get out and have that drink for me because we are done.”

It took considerable effort to get him to leave, as he sobbed about leaving his children, but I didn’t care. He clearly still wants to gaslight me into believing that this is my issue with her, not his issue with disrespecting our marriage and his “crazy hormonal wife”

Relevant Comments

Has OOP met her husband’s coworker?

OOP: I’ve actually “met” her before at a work gathering for my husband. He introduced me to everyone at this party, expect her. When I finally saw a picture of this female coworker, I knew I had seen her before and asked him where I had seen her before. He did say, at the work party and when I asked how come you didn’t introduce me to her, he replied, you were busy getting to know everyone else….

Commenter 1: It’s so disingenuous of your husband to beg you not to divorce him when he was actively pursuing this other woman until you confronted him about his behavior. Had you not gone thru his phone, he’d still be sniffing around that woman & lying to your face every day about it. You should most definitely divorce your husband. He’s not worthy enough to be your partner.

OOP: I did ask him this too. I asked him, what would happen if I never saw this conversation? He told me, he’d most likely continue to lie to me about it…

Commenter 2: Your husband is TA, not you. He has gaslit you for months, and it is possible that the coworker is unaware that he is married with kids as well. Try to get this across to her about all this and go from there. All the best OP!

OOP: I’ve actually reached out to her. She told me she is “like this with all her male coworkers” and then proceeded to try and add me on social media after she was made aware that she was causing rifts in our marriage and was “shocked” and “felt horrible”. However, continues to engage in these conversations with my husband. I am absolutely not blaming her, my husband was engaging her, however she is aware what she is doing…

Commenter 3: Leave him. There is NOTHING to save here. He’s a master manipulator and you’re easily manipulated.

Please go into the next one with your guard up and everyone who cares about you guards up.

OOP: I never thought I was easily manipulated… until now. Our entire relationship has been absolutely wonderful so I was easy to make believe this was all in my head and heightened by my “hormones” while pregnant. It hasn’t been until recently where I see my babes and think, you will not have a mother who is emotionally controlled by a man who wants to be a half ass husband and father while he steps out on us while he’s at work.

Commenter 4: He’ll return to the pursuit after OP calms down. He’ll just cover his tracks (delete messages, get another phone or only communicate in person with the other woman).

OOP: This is what I am afraid off… we are young, in our prime! I can’t imagine 20 yrs from now this happens again with someone else because I’ll be kicking myself thinking I should have left 20 yrs ago when I felt fabulous about myself and knew I had a ton to offer to someone else who actually appreciated me

OOP should send screenshots of text messages to her husband’s HR department

OOP: I’m actually friends with his bosses wife and may have already drop…

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