**I am NOT OOP, OOP is** u/Alternative_Site1468 **Originally posted to r/AITAH** Previous BoRUs: [...
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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2025-07-01 04:04:07+00:00.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Alternative_Site1468

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Previous BoRUs: #1, #2

[Final Update]: AITAH for how I reacted when my niece announced she was engaged?

Thanks to u/queenlegolas + u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: grooming

Mood Spoilers: very positive

RECAP

Original Post: November 8, 2024

I (33m) have a pretty big age difference with my brother (44m). He had a child at 25, which means that I became an uncle at 14. Because we were pretty close in age, I formed a special bond with my niece, Ella (now 18f).

When she was 16, my brother and his family moved away so I’ve been seeing them less recently, but we keep in touch and catch up at family events.

Last year, at Christmas, my niece told me that she had a boyfriend and told me a bit about him, but I didn’t know the guy. He was invited for Easter and a couple of other events, but was never able to make it. When we were planning our mother’s birthday, my brother decided to invite Ella’s boyfriend so that we could all meet him.

Yesterday was the birthday. I was looking forward to meeting Mark (Ella’s boyfriend), but was very confused when I saw her walk in with a man that looked double her age (spoiler alert: he is). She introduced him to me, and I politely smiled but was deep down very concerned. I went to my brother to ask how old Mark was and he told me that Mark is 36, so literally double Ella’s age. She had told me that he was “a bit older” but I assumed like early to mid twenties, not almost 40. That’s when they called us in the living room to share “exciting news”. Ella showed us a ring and revealed that they were engaged.

I just said “what the fuck” and everyone turned around and looked at me like I was crazy. I told them that they were out of their minds if they thought this was normal, that there was no world in which a 30 something should date an 18yo, and that she shouldn’t be getting married. All of them accused me of ruining Ella’s happiness. Some even said that I was jealous of Mark, which is so fucking disgusting I can’t even explain it. I mean, I’m younger than Mark, but never in a million years would I ever consider dating someone younger than 25. They told me that it was perfectly legal as they were both adults, which isn’t true because they’ve been dating for a year and Ella turned 18 7 months ago, and that if they were happy that’s all that matters.

I told them that they were sick for allowing this and that he was a predator but they wouldn’t listen. I know this isn’t my business, but I can’t help but fear for Ella. She is young and doesn’t really know what she’s getting into. I’m really scared of her getting married and being unable to leave him when she realizes how sick it was. I then left and slammed the door, and have been receiving pretty wild messages and calls since then. I don’t know if I was wrong for this and am just overreacting, and if I wasn’t wrong I don’t know what I can do to make them realize how wrong it is. AITAH?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP got the majority of NTAs and few YTAs

Relevant Comments

Does OOP and his family know anything about the BF’s background?

OOP: I quickly went over his facebook account so it’s not really verified info, but I saw pictures of him with his ex (I think?) and she looked 20-24 maybe? It’s still better but if the guy has a thing for younger girls that’s even more wrong. And it seems like he was still with his ex when he started dating my niece, so even weirder…

How did OOP’s niece meet the BF?

OOP: Through sports apparently. My niece does tennis and so does he, in the same club and they met during a tournament (at least that’s what she told me the first time she told me she had a boyfriend)

Was the BF Ella’s coach when they met?

OOP: No I don’t think so. From what I understood, Ella was in a tournament in her club and she played against adults, she played against Mark and after he came to talk to her so they talked and that was basically it

Update #1: November 9, 2024 (next day)

If you didn’t see my previous post, here’s a tl;dr: my niece is 18 and getting married with a man who’s 36. They started dating when she was 17. When she announced she was engaged I said that it was wrong that he was so much older than her, but everyone else found it okay.

So I’ve taken the past 24h to really reflect on all of this, I tried to take in most of the advice in the comments, and here’s what I have decided. I don’t think that me telling her and everyone that the relationship is weird was wrong, I do however think that I did it wrong and it was pretty harsh because it was in the heat of the moment. But I still find this very creepy and don’t think she should get married.

What I’ve decided to do is:

  1. Apologize to her. I sent her a text saying I was sorry for my outburst and that I should’ve thought it through beforehand. I told her that I never wanted to make her feel like I didn’t want her to be happy, and that I loved her very much and had her best interests in mind.
  2. Ask her if we could talk about this. I asked if she would be okay and free to hang out and maybe get coffee this week to talk about all of this with a clear head. I really want to try and get her to see why it’s weird and that maybe marrying him is not a great choice.
  3. Explain myself to my brother. I sent him a text saying that I was sorry for the way I said it, but that I still thought that it needed to be said. I explained to him why I think Mark is a predator and this relationship could have a very negative and damaging impact on Ella.

I’m still waiting on their replies. I’ll update when they reply, or when I see Ella (if she accepts), depending on how long it would take.

In the meantime, I really want to thank everyone who gave me advice and was constructive, and really tried to help my niece out of this situation. I also send my best to all of the people in the comments sharing similar stories when they were the teenager getting groomed. I’m so sorry this happened to you and I really hope you’re doing better now.

Relevant Comments

OOP should be there for his niece should she have any further concerns or worries about her relationship with her BF

OOP: If she doesn’t want to talk about it then fine, it’s her choice. But the least I can do is ask her if she’d want to. You don’t just “let it go” when it’s predators we’re talking about. Do you know how trapped she can be for years if she goes through with it? The least I can do is try my best to let her know that it’s weird before she makes such a commitment. And if she doesn’t want to hear it then fine, but no one should just “let it go” when it comes to these things

Yeah I’ll definitely let her know that I’m always there, and be ready to help her get out of the relationship when it all goes wrong. But I think it’s also important to try and talk her out of it. It might not succeed, but if there’s even the slightest chance that it might then it’s worth trying. I’d rather she gets out of the relationship now than in 3 years when she’s traumatized by this guy

Update #2: November 12, 2024 (four days later)

Tl;dr of first posts: My 18yo niece is engaged to a 36yo she started dating when she was 17. No one in the family sees a problem. I asked to meet her to talk about it.

So, following my text (see last post), Ella replied and told me she agreed to meet with me and talk. I just came back from seeing her.

Here’s how it went. She asked me what I wanted to tell her and I started explaining that I didn’t think her relationship was very healthy, and that no older guy should want to date a teenager. I told her that she was an incredible woman so I wasn’t saying it was weird that someone would want to marry her, but that guys my age normally shouldn’t even look at a teenager. She wasn’t convinced and said that sometimes it’s true but sometimes it’s okay. I asked her how she would feel if I told her that someone born today could be her future partner, and she said it felt really weird. I also asked her if she would consider dating someone younger than 15, and she said no.

I could see her starting to realize that Mark maybe didnt have the best intentions. I also asked her if she knew about his previous relationship, and she said “vaguely” and just told me the girl’s name. I asked her if she knew how old the girl was and she said she was 21. I also asked her if she knew that their relationships overlapped and she said that Mark always told her he was single since they met, but she kind of felt like that wasn’t true. I told her that since his previous girlfriend was also significantly younger it seemed like he had a thing for younger girls, which is kind of weird.

After discussing that, she told me a bit more about her relationship. She told me she w…

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  • Spacehooks@reddthat.com
    MEnglish
    1·
    3 days ago

    After discussing that, she told me a bit more about her relationship. She told me she was starting to feel weird about it because of Mark’s recent behavior. I asked what she meant and she said that he had been flirting with a lot of girls, who were all also younger, including some of Ella’s friends. When she confronted him he sort of gaslit her into thinking it wasn’t flirting. He was also making a lot of comments about having children with Ella and how cute it would be to see her raise them. She told me she was absolutely not ready for that and also wanted to go to college and work and not be a SAHM. Because of all of that she was doubting her relationship and I told her that I understood.

    She said she was scared of breaking up with him because he had become her whole life recently and she didn’t know what she would do without him. I told her that she was surrounded by people who loved her and would be there for her, and that she was a lot more than just Mark’s girlfriend. I said that she knew my opinion on it, but that ultimately the choice was hers, and that I just wanted her to be happy. I also said I would be there for her no matter what. She told me that she will try to break up with him this week, and she’ll let me know how it goes. I’ll edit this post if I have more info.

    Also, again, thank you to everyone who gave advice and tried to help us. I really appreciate it.

    Edit: Okay so I just want to say, some people in the comments seem to think that this is fake, and you know what, I can understand. And I don’t really care, I’m not asking you to believe that my life is real or fake, and it’s great that you don’t just believe everything you see online. But I just want to say this: there are hundreds of people on here or elsewhere that share similar stories. I’m not really affected by people thinking I’m lying, mainly because I’m not the one in that situation. But some people might be. Some people come on here to share something that might have traumatized them, and the last thing they want is for others to think they’re lying. So if you don’t want to believe me that’s fine, but the next time keep that to yourself. It’s fine to not believe something, but you don’t have to say it, because it might make other people feel really bad.

    Relevant Comments

    OOP clarifies details regarding the BF’s previous relationship prior to current one with Ella

    OOP: To explain this in more details:

    I went through the guy’s socials with my friends a few days ago because we thought there might be other weird things going on and we ended up finding info about his previous relationship (the one right before Ella).

    So Ella told me at Christmas (so december 24th) that they had been dating for “a few months”, but when we searched his Facebook we saw a post wishing happy birthday to a girl who he called his “baby” on December 12th. And this girl appeared in other posts where they were kissing or he was calling her pet names so we assumed she was his gf. Which Ella confirmed afterwards.

    And this girl also looked very young. He at one point wrote something about her and said “as soon as you’re done with college”, so we knew she was in college. And she looked between 20 and 25. And Ella then confirmed that she was 21.

    But yeah basically it seemed like he was still with his ex while dating Ella, so I asked her if she knew about that.

    OOP should be prepared to support his niece if she chooses to break up with her BF and distance himself from the family if they are blaming OOP for Ella’s breaksup

    OOP: Yeah, I’m pretty sure if she ends up breaking up with him (which I hope) her dad will blame me for it… Which is the last thing she’ll need if she manages to get out of that relationship

    I will gladly take the blame, but I’m just scared she’ll feel guilty about it and blame herself if she sees that her dad is mad at me. She’s a very empathetic kid, which is a really great quality, but sometimes she hurts herself because of it…

    • Spacehooks@reddthat.com
      MEnglish
      1·
      3 days ago

      Update #3: December 9, 2024 (almost one month later)

      I know it’s been a while since I posted the last update and a lot of people have been requesting updates on the whole situation, but until now I hadn’t really received any news. So please forgive me if this update took a while to come.

      Since my conversation with Ella, I would check in on her once or twice a week and ask how things were and she’d always tell me pretty much the same as what she told me a month ago. Basically, there were many red flags and she was getting more and more uncomfortable in her relationship but she also didn’t know how to break up with him. I tried to give her some advice but eventually told her that I thought she should do it when she felt comfortable.

      Yesterday I called her to know what she had planned on Christmas and if she’d be coming to the Christmas dinner that I was hosting, and if Mark would be coming. That’s when she told me that she had broken up with him the evening before. She was pretty shaken up so I didn’t ask for too much detail and asked if she wanted to come to my house for a while. She said that Mark had left to stay with his family when she told him, so she was okay staying home.

      This is maybe not a very detailed update but here’s what I know. She told me that he had been getting angry at her all week for small things. And then they were talking about Christmas and he insisted that they shouldn’t go with Ella’s family and instead spend a week with his family because they see them less often (they live out of state). And after that he made a comment about how he hoped that the next year as a present they could give his mother a grandchild, and Ella said that’s what really made her break up with him. And she also told me that she would be coming alone for Christmas.

      I don’t know what she told him or how he reacted, and maybe she’ll tell me more in a while when she feels better, and if not I won’t ask her to. If I get more information I’ll edit this post but for now that’s it. Again, thank you to anyone who gave advice and tried to help with this situation.

      Top Comments

      Commenter 1: Oh thank God Ella figured out he was Not the one!!! 🙏🙏🙏

      Commenter 2: Thank God for Ella.

      You are an amazing person and a wonderful uncle. She is incredibly lucky to have you in her life

      Commenter 3: Thank goodness Ella has you; your words may have spared her quite a bit of pain. I am happy she’s broken up with him; hopefully he doesn’t weasel his way back into her home.

      • Spacehooks@reddthat.com
        MEnglish
        1·
        3 days ago

        ----NEW UPDATE---- Final Update: June 24, 2025 (6.5 months later from the last update)

        I know it has been months since my last update, and to be honest I logged off reddit and completely forgot about it. My niece and I were just reminiscing about everything that happened and I decided to show her the posts I had made back then and the comments. She read a lot of it and wanted me to thank all of the people that were kind and gave advice or tried to help her. She also told me to tell all the people who shared similar stories how sorry she was that it happened to them.

        Some people were also asking for updates so we wanted to let you know what the situation was. Since she broke up with him, Mark has tried to come back multiple times, apologizing for the things he said and trying everything to win her back. He was very insistent but she never took him back and I’m really proud of her for that. She managed to find a nice apartment and has cut all contact with him.

        I guess you could say that all’s well that ends well. It wasn’t easy but Ella has been strong and now she’s happier than ever, which is the only thing that matters.

        Thank you to everyone who helped and supported her, your kindness means a lot to the both of us. Wishing you all the best.

        Edit: I forgot to say this and I feel like it’s important to share it. While we were talking Ella was originally telling me that she was very ashamed and felt stupid for not seeing how bad the relationship was. She somehow felt like it was her fault for being too naive. I reassured her and told her that in no way was it her fault, but what really helped her see that was reading all of the similar experiences that happened to other people. Maybe it seems stupid but she realized that it wasn’t any of those people’s fault so it wasn’t hers either, and she wasn’t the one who should be ashamed. All of this to say, this is the very reason why I think it’s so important to talk about those things. Just knowing that you’re not alone, that it happened to others can really help. To anyone out there going that went or is going through something similar, you are not alone.

        Relevant / Top Comments

        Commenter 1: Good to hear! Did anything happen with your bro or family (ie they apologized or agreed with you)?

        OOP: They didn’t apologize directly but they had a big conversation with Ella and she told them about all of the things she realized were really weird and disturbing in the relationship so I guess it opened their eyes and they now agree that it was not really a normal relationship. Everything is good with them now

        Commenter 2: All’s well that ends well. You’re a great uncle to have stood by Ella otherwise situations like these doesn’t end up too well and there are way too many examples on reddit itself. Wishing you a good life ahead.

        DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

        THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP