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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2025-07-02 04:04:07+00:00.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/DryInstruction3284

Originally posted to r/AmIOverreacting

Am I overreacting to my girlfriend going to her ex’s birthday party without telling me?

Trigger Warnings: possible gaslighting, mininizing

Original Post: June 15, 2025

Hey Reddit. I’m 29M and I’ve been dating my girlfriend “Lena” (27F) for about 10 months. Things have been great overall—she’s funny, smart, independent, and we’ve talked about maybe moving in together next year. No major issues until this weekend.

So here’s what happened:

On Saturday, Lena told me she was going out with a few friends from college. Cool, no problem I had plans to watch the game with my brother anyway.

But the next day, I saw a photo on one of her friend’s Instagram stories. The caption said: “Happy birthday, Jason!”

I recognized Jason. He’s her ex. The one she dated for about three years and broke up with about a year before we met. They were pretty serious from what I’ve gathered. I never made a big deal about it because she told me they’re on decent terms but “not really close.”

So naturally, I asked her later that night, “Hey, were you at Jason’s birthday thing?” She looked a little surprised and said yeah, but quickly followed up with “It wasn’t a big deal, it was a group thing, and I didn’t think it mattered.”

I didn’t raise my voice or accuse her of anything, I just said I wished she’d mentioned it beforehand. She got kind of defensive and said I was “making something out of nothing” and that it’s not like she was hiding it.

But… she kind of did hide it? I mean, I don’t want to be controlling, and I know people stay friends with their exes, but the fact that she didn’t even mention she was going to his birthday rubs me the wrong way. It just feels off.

I’m not accusing her of cheating or anything, but I can’t shake the feeling that she intentionally kept it vague so I wouldn’t ask questions. She said she didn’t think I’d care, but the whole thing just makes me feel kind of… sidelined.

So am I overreacting?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Was Lena, her friends and Jason all part of the same friend group? Because it’s weird how her friends are attending their friend’s ex bf’s birthday party if they aren’t all in the same friend group.

Not saying that she’s cheating on you. But I do understand why you are uncomfortable about the whole situation. Especially as she got all defensive instead of reassuring you.

OOP: They were part of the same friend group in college. But I honestly didn’t know that they were still close. Let alone close enough to go to a birthday.

Commenter 2: I wouldn’t be bothered if she was upfront. Generally it’s reasonable to ask permission of your partner, if that’s okay with your relationship dynamic to hang out with exes.

Some people have great relationships with exes that don’t have to be romantic, but it can be weird for their partners if they don’t talk about it like a responsible partner would.

And if after asking it isn’t cool, great, now two people know they have different ideas of how relationships work, and that’s helpful to know. If it isn’t cool, great, y’all are compatible.

It’s still something someone should ask, not hide, and that’s what I’m emphasizing here. Not asking or not even mentioning it, makes something that is otherwise not suspicious, very suspicious.

Orange-reddish flag. I don’t know her well enough to outright call it a red flag, she could just be stupid. (Sorry for bluntness)

OOP: The thing is I didn’t know they were still in contact. This is how I found out they in fact still are

Commenter 3: Do they have kids together? If not no reason to interact with an ex. Ghost her and move on.

OOP: They don’t have kids together

Commenter 4: There’s no point in asking her this question now but, given what you know about your gf would she be cool if the shoe was on the other foot? If you ask her now ofc she’ll say she’d be totally fine with it but, that’s gaslighting 100%

OOP: I know for a fact she definitely wouldn’t be okay with it was it the other way around.

Update #1: June 15, 2025 (same day, eight hours later)

Thanks again to everyone who responded. I didn’t expect the post to blow up the way it did, and honestly, I’ve spent the last few hours sitting with it all. A few comments really stuck with me especially the ones that pointed out it’s not necessarily about where she went, but how she handled it.

I ended up bringing it up when she came over this evening. Nothing dramatic. I just said I’d been thinking about it and that it bothered me not even the party itself, but the fact that she didn’t mention it. She didn’t seem surprised that I brought it up. There was a bit of an eye-roll at first, but she didn’t push back much. Mostly quiet. The energy in the room shifted right away.

She said something vague about not wanting it to be a thing. Not much of an apology, more like trying to smooth it over and move on quickly. And maybe that’s what I’m doing too, in my own way.

Afterward, we kind of just… moved around each other for the rest of the evening. She left very quickly after that. And right now I’m reading comments on my original post.

I’m not sure where I land on all of this. Nothing exploded. But it also didn’t feel resolved. She didn’t seem interested in understanding why it bothered me just in making sure it didn’t mess with the vibe.

It’s not a breakup-level thing. Not yet. But it does feel like something shifted in our relationship.

That’s all for now. Just figured I’d follow up.

Thanks again.

Top Comments

Commenter 1: Idk how that’s not break up worthy. She didn’t tell you because she didn’t want it to be a thing means that she knew it was going to be an issue for you. That it might cross a boundary so she didn’t give you a heads up. It was 1000% thought out, methodical, intentional…

She is gaslighting and manipulating you. She’s using what you said when confronting her to try to justify why she hid it. “See this is why I couldn’t tell you” type of shit. She sees nothing wrong with this which is why you don’t feel it’s resolved - because it isn’t resolved.

She wanted to go, didn’t care that you wouldn’t be okay with it and now wants to move on with no consequences. She will also just hide it better next time if you do let it go. She got away with it if that’s the case after all. She’s proven she only cares about herself. She doesn’t care about your feeelings because she clearly considered you would be upset and did it anyway! If the roles were reversed she would likely break up with you. Yet she will repeat in the future again to please herself. She has shown you exactly who she is. This type of lesson is only learned when you face consequences. It sounds like there have been and likely will be zero (because you sound ready to stay). Prepare yourself for the repeat behaviour and further gaslighting.

Commenter 2: Nope, her unwillingness to address this and acknowledge what she did wrong tells you everything you need to know. If she respected you she would want to know why it upset you and would try to make it right. When she eye rolls you over her screw up……

Time to move on OP.

I wouldn’t even give her the respect of doing it in person. Just text her and end it.

Commenter 3: Just like how her going wasn’t the issue, it was her hiding it, the issue now is her reaction. A normal and healthy reaction to bf over this would be along the lines of I’m so sorry. I should have told you. Instead she’s turning it around on you and admitting she hid it because she thought your reaction would be poor. This leads you to wonder if she has done that before- hiding things she knows would bother you.

It all leads to trust and communication. There is a level of trust she broke in this situation. Can you fully trust her anymore? Or will you always doubt she is giving you full truth? With communication, it sounds like you have two versions of what you believe is healthy communication not just in giving information, but also in resolving conflict. That is a break up worthy thing if both of your values on this conflict to the point you can’t compromise. Only you can decide where you fall in this and whether you want to keep trying in this relationship. If she is willing to put work into fixing your relationship and you can work through the trust/communication issues, there is no harm in continuing in the relationship. On the flip side, if she isn’t willing to fix this or if you can’t get past the broken trust and/or communicate well together, you are well on your rights to walk away knowing that you just have different values. You can like a person, even love them, but the relationship doesn’t have long term potential if your values conflict so much that yours (or hers) need to be compromised to be together.

Final update: June 25, 2025 (10 days later)

original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmIOverreacting/comments/1lbxvbh/am_i_overreacting_to_my_girlfriend_going_to_her/

update: <https://www.reddit.co/…

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