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Mood Spoiler: things are moving in a positive direction

Original Post: June 25, 2025

Husband (we will call Brad), and I have been together 2.5 years. Had our son in January. Things have been pretty great, but this had me feeling kind of…annoyed?

Brad is diagnosed with autism and ADHD, which can make communication between us challenging at times, but we do our best.

We live in Europe, NOT US.

Since Brad has AuDHD, he only works at 50%, the other half is covered by a health insurance here on a temporary basis, and every few months he has to keep applying for more. It is stressful, as we wait for him to hopefully get on a permanent coverage. Since this is so up in the air, instead of me taking a full year of mat leave, he took a majority of the days in case his temp health insurance is denied for some reason, then he can keep his work schedule at 50% and still get paid on the days he has off.

Which means I went back to work part time. I WFH as a private teacher. I choose my hours, since my students USUALLY live in different countries, I chose some in the afternoon when Brad is home with our son, and at nights, when my students would be awake and Brad is also home. I only have one student in the evening, 23:00 - 23:30 twice a week.

[editor’s note: to clarify, OOP said she teaches ESL to students in Asia so that is why the time is the way it is. Fun fact, I actually do the same thing]

This is to help with some income, and we discussed this before I event went back to work. He had asked no students past midnight. So if Baby is having issues sleeping, he can take care of him and hopefully get him to sleep.

Well, Brad got back on a schedule where he wants to go to bed at 23:00…every night. We try to, but with a baby, sometimes…it just does not happen. Baby sometimes will stay asleep when I put him to bed (I nurse him to sleep), and sometimes he wakes up screaming.

Well, last night I told Brad I had my student at 23:00, and I would try to have Baby sleeping by then. He asked me, “What is your plan if Baby wakes up? My bedtime is 23:00, so hopefully you have thought of something.”

I said, “Well, hopefully he stays asleep. If not, you will just have to take care of him, or put him on his play mat and entertain him.”

He resolutely said, “Bedtime is 23:00, and I will go to bed.”

Come 23:00, Baby is in bed, and Brad is just getting out of the shower. I guess he woke up moments after I started with my student, as when I came out of the office, he was walking around with Baby. I took him, nursed him back to sleep and went to bed also shortly after 23:30.

This morning, he was a bit annoyed with me. When I tried to hug him good-bye as he was leaving to work, he did not hug me back. We always do this before he leaves, so I said, “Are you upset with me still?”

He replied, “Yes, you crossed my boundry. My bedtime is 23:00. We disucssed this. I go to bed, and anything past that is your problem to solve if Baby wakes up.”

He left for work…and I was just thinking…what??

I feel I need to have some discussion with Brad about this, but WIBTAH if I told him he has no more boundries with his sleep and he is being ridiculous?

Some of OOP’s Comments:

Commenter: ESH for not sorting this out before there was a baby.

OOP: We did. No students past midnight, and only when he is home. It was only recently he decided he wanted to go to bed at 23:00, and he knew my potential work schedule weeks before I even went back to work. Previously, bedtime for us was between 23:30 - midnight.

He also does get his 8+ hours of sleep almost every night.

Commentrer: NTA

Your husband is being ridiculous. He is a father, he should act like it. Babies wake up in the night, it’s not fair to expect you to take care of it all by yourself, while he peacefully sleeps every night. He is a parent, he needs to parent his child.

OOP: What my mother said. If it means he has to walk around with Baby to calm him…he just has to. My schedule is not a surprise either. It was something we discussed weeks before I even went back.

Commenter: Not to mention the fact that you’re having to return to work early after pregnancy because of the financial issues caused by him only working part time.

OOP: Well, the thing is in our country in Europe, he is technically employed full time, but due to his diasbilities, he only works 50% and the other 50% is covered by a health insurance here. Yes, his work knows. All of it is legal. I am not from Europe originally so I might be xplaining this badly. But if he loses the income from the health insurance, he only gets paid 50% from work.

Editor’s note: OOP said in another comment they live in Sweden

To the top voted Commenter:

OOP: (downvoted) Thing is, he is a great dad. Just this incident is ruffling my feathers a bit because…he normally is not like this? And he almost always gets his 8+ hours of uniteruppted sleep. If Baby was waking him up, I could see it, but…that is not the case.

Commenter: Is he a great dad if he uses emotional blackmail against the mother of his child? Is he a great dad if he refuses to care for the child he helped create?

I don’t think so.

I think maybe getting yourself to a counselor, solo, for perspectives from a professional may be useful, too?

OOP: I think you are right on me needing to see a professional on dealing with some of this. Ofc he did not let Baby cry, he DID take him, but he was annoyed with me that he even had to be awake to walk around with Baby…

I love my son, and I need to know if I cannot be there, someone who loves him is there with him. My family is far away. So, I only have my husband.

Commenter: NTA. If you decide to have a child, you have to take all the “punches” that are involved - and a perfect sleep schedule is something you lose. And why is this always men?? I mean, I know why, but yet… WHY!!!

He’s a father. Baby and the baby’s needs come first.

OOP: After I had Baby, we were in hospital for 5 days. Baby soiled the few clothes he had, and Brad left to go home for the night (hospital room not large enough for him to stay), and as e was getting home to bed, I called, told him Baby had nothing clean anymore, and he drove at 3 AM to bring him clean clothes…so this is an issue…but the one in the hospital was not?

Commenter: Did he want the baby too? Did he understand what having a child means to his “boundaries” and lifestyle??

OOP: Yup. Before we had Baby, my parents had a LONG talk about it with him. He said he did, and he would make the “logical” decision.

We talked about it. How sleep, routine, free-time, work etc., goes out the window. We try our best. And even then, how babies are day to day changes. I never know how Baby will be any given day, so…you just do what you can.

I thought he understood, but then he reacted like this and I was just ???

Commenter: NTA. Being autistic and having ADHD are not license to be a dick. He is a father now, and the baby’s needs come first. Moreover, the reason that you can’t help is because you have already bent over backwards and made every single accommodation possible for him. He should be grateful. Instead, he is weaponizing therapy language to make you seem like the bad guy. You are not.

OOP: Comment limit prevented a lot of extra, but I keep the house clean, look after our cat, have baby when he works, when he WFH I keep Baby happy and content as I can so he can work, let him have his weekly game session with his best friend, we hang out with our friends I often have Baby so they can play games (I am just happy to socialize, not a huge boardgame person), make sure we have our alone time when Baby is happy playing in his play area, feed him and keep him quiet at night so Brad can sleep…and so on.

What does HE do?

He cooks, does all of that (lunch, dinner). He will help me with the cleaning, the cat at times. Takes Baby so I can nap if tired. Since Baby is only breast-fed, I am with him all night, Thankfully he sleeps most of the night now, but I am still up at like, 6:30 - 7 am with him.

Commenter: Husband should not have had a child. What will he do if you are hit by a bus?

OOP: (downvoted) …Well, probably then my parents would have to fly over from where they live and likely take custody of our son. Husband’s parents are too old and in poor health. Mine are not.

OOP explains:

If I died, or was hospitalized, I know he would try his best with Baby, but in the long term? It would be a disaster. He would probably move near his sisters and parents with Baby. Or my parents would step up. A lot. …

Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1lpvtvt/wibtah_if_i_f28_told_my_husband_m28_his_sleep/

WIBTAH if I (F28) told my husband (M28) his "sleep boundries" went out the window when he had our son?

WIBTAH if I (F28) told my husband (M28) his "sleep boundries" went out the window when he had our son?

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