**I am NOT OOP, OOP is** u/GreatestThrow-man **Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole & r/AITAH** Previous BoRUs:...
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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2025-07-05 04:00:09+00:00.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/GreatestThrow-man

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole & r/AITAH

Previous BoRUs: #1, #2, #3, #4, #5

[New Update]: AITA for not wanting to walk her down the aisle or lie in a speech?

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Trigger Warnings: manipulation, mild ableism, obsessive behavior, accusations of infidelity, mentions physical violence

Mood Spoilers: happy

Editor’s note: added paragraph breaks for readability and removed older relevant comments for more spaces in this latest BoRU

RECAP

Original Post: May 10, 2024

I (41M) have two kids with my ex wife, (42F) a son John(22) and daughter Sally (20), I’m remarried to my wife (28). I’m very close with my kids, my son is engaged to Abbie, she seems nice but has been a bit pushy trying to create relationships with me and my wife, though she’s also awkward with her. Abbie isn’t close to her family, she told us many stories why and while some of her complaints don’t seem awful, it’s not my place to judge and I didn’t live it so I can’t know anyway.

We’ve tried to be welcoming but Abbie has forced her way into some family traditions where she wouldn’t have been invited, and some where no one outside of specific family would have. She has been calling Sally “sis” since they were only dating a few months, has an odd sister/mother-in-law thing she does with my wife, and the one I’m not a fan of, wants me to be like father to her. Not because we’ve clicked or anything. We are very different people, not saying that in a bad way, just saying it’s not based on how we get along or anything.

My kids and I have a tradition when they come over that we have a private catch-up in my office/study before they leave, which is now even more important to them because while they both get along well with my wife they don’t want to have personal conversations around her yet. Abbie asked if we could talk, and after I explained the tradition John later asked that I do it, saying she’d never had a caring conversation with her dad.

We compromised that I didn’t include her in the tradition but do join the two of them for coffee and let her talk. Then she started calling me dad, they werent even engaged yet, John pulled me aside and begged me to give her that, laid this whole thing on me about me always being the dad she always wanted right in front of her and she just wanted that, told me she cried watching me and Sally together (she still gives me random hugs, I’m a lucky dad). I didn’t like it but I do feel bad so fine I gave her that. She wants me to walk her down the aisle and the father/daughter dance. I don’t want to walk her down, and I walk with a cane so dancing is hard. At my own wedding I only danced twice. John is begging for me to do one, preferably the aisle.

They came over Sunday, John and I were talking, I thought to address it, when Ab walked in without knocking, asking if he’d told me yet. I asked what, John said she wanted me to say something about having a second daughter now in my speech and how I loved her. I just looked at him. She asked if I’d do the walk and dance for Sally, I said of course. She yelled she’s my daughter too and I said it will never be the same, Sally is my actual daughter. I tried to explain I’d talk about her being a happy addition to the family and I love how happy she makes Jack, which i thought was a good compromise, but she started crying. John apologized and they left, but he called me when they were home nearly begging me to. AITA because I won’t lie and say I love her or she’s my daughter.

Original Post Verdict: Not the Asshole

Update #1: June 26, 2024 (1.5 months later)

I had planned on writing this sooner but life got in the way in a couple of really good ways, but people were helpful and asked for updates, and I have a surprise free day, so here it goes:

Mother’s Day my kids and their partners go to visit my ex wife. So it turns out my ex wife and Abbie are a lot closer than I realized. She calls her mom, which is part of where this comes from. Also apparently my ex has been egging it on. On mother’s day they were talking about the wedding and I guess whenever Abbie referred to me it was as dad. My son apparently told her let it go, which led to yelling.

Abbie about deserving to be my daughter, ex telling her that she’s right, son telling her that I am trying and she should be realistic about things, Sally telling her I only had one daughter - which was apparently a response to Abbie saying to her that as my “daughters” they should be united. according to my son Abbi was crying, according to Sally she was crying ang yelling and kicked something before going to her room, and Sally told me she went off on her mom, but will not elaborate so I don’t know what was actually said. But knowing Sally - whoo boy.

Around 2am I got a text from Sally’s partner’s phone saying “Abbie really is great, she hasn’t been perfect but you should give her a chance and you will learn to love her.” I saw it when I woke up I tried to text her back but was blocked, so I called Sally but they were driving. They stopped by my place later that day because I am on the way and my daughter prefers my liquor and cooking and they told me about the night before.

At the end I asked to speak to her partner alone, I asked if I had done something to upset her. She was confused and I told her I was blocked. She said I wasn’t but checked her phone and I was, and I said it was after her message and she asked what message. I showed her, it was not on her phone anymore. At that point we brought in Sally and caught her up, neither of them were happy.

A couple of days later John and Abbie dropped by unannounced; not something we really do in this family but ok fine, I had mad salmon, does not take long to cook. I cook 2 more, wife serves while I make drinks. The entire night was Abbie trying to bring up the wedding, John trying to change the subject, Abbie not allowing that.

We talk logistics because I am helping them get some good deals through some professional contacts I have when finally she just says “so I was talking to mom, she said that you can walk me down the aisle and she’ll do the dance, or you can dance and she’ll walk, it’s your call but you need to choose soon.”

I reiterated that I could not dance (she tried arguing that I had danced a little at my wedding but I made it clear that is different) and did not feel comfortable walking her. She got upset and said “mom loves me why can’t you?” I felt bad but couldn’t lie, I pointed out that she had John who loved her, my exwife, friends, she had people who love her. She said “but other than (ex-wife) those aren’t my parents” I said “neither am I.” She was very emotional so my wife and I gave them a few minutes.

My son and I were alone later, he looked exhausted. He said the problem was that after Mother’s day Abbie had called Sally and kept saying they are both my daughters, that I did not get to be close with one but not both, and that it was them against me - but at that one Sally cried havoc and let slip the dogs of war. Things were said. Grievances were aired. John had to hang up before it got worse, but I guess Abbie was shaken but there was a new problem; Abbie had decided in her head that I did not mean what I have been saying and was just doing it for Sally. He told me he would handle it.

Ron Howard: He did not

So now I get text messages from Abbie every couple of days acting like we have a secret relationship Sally doesn’t know about, she even called herself my secret daughter and lol’ed. She invited my wife to lunch saying “2 out of 3 of his girl’s” going out. She has even started using the pressure of showing up at events like a recent barbecue to play a certain image. She hugs me more and holds it, wants to do pictures with just me or my wife and I but always a few with just me to post with captions I do not like.

My wife is getting especially annoyed because of how she is with her (I guess Abbie surprised her with father’s day plans for me that had to be shut down, as it is she still inserted herself into the day) but she has a soft spot for her and when Abbie gets emotional she caves; my wife is a sweetheart.

I asked him if he is upset with me and he said no, he just wished it was different. He said we’re good, but he’s worried he and Sally aren’t, which is when I took the advice of some people and suggested pre marital counseling, he said he would talk about it. Abbie is insisting Sally go to her fitting.

That shop should pay-per-view that potential royal rumble because Sally is not holding her feelings back anymore. I told him Sally loves him and I’ll talk to her, but for now it is stressful all around. Abbie driving my wife crazy with her ideas for what my “girls” should be doing, driving me crazy with dad-daughter co…

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  • Spacehooks@reddthat.comMEnglish
    1·
    2 days ago

    Update on life, sorry it is long: May 14, 2025 (five months later)

    Life has been busy but great, but I have a lot of requests for an update, and people here have been really great so I figured that I should. To start, my wife and I have an adorable sleeping potato. He has made us both so happy; my wife, sleepy as she may be, is the happiest I have ever seen her. I had paternity leave and then various family took over helping my wife. My kids have been great about helping, my daughter has been having fun with her brother for the first time in a while. I am not going to provide details because my wife would not appreciate that, but I will just say that my wife had a scare late in her pregnancy which led to my kids really being there for her, and they pretty much have been since. They even got in my Mother’s Day celebration for her. My wife loves it; she is really feeling the love.

    My kids are doing great. Great news is that my daughter and her partner are engaged! They have a very specific idea of what they want to do, and I was asked to walk both of them down the aisle. That was too much for me, I am not a big crier, but I admit I contributed to the happy tears we had while all hugging. My daughter asked my son to be her best man (they are both having a best man and maid of honor) which makes me deeply happy, because I do not think he would have been her choice a year ago. They are definitely getting their relationship back to normal. My son had work issues because of federal cuts and had to change jobs but he is really happy where he is now. I used money I had saved for his wedding and bought him a getaway trip; with the job stress following the personal stress he dealt with, my kid needed time away. No Abbie, no job stress, no family (I think we are pretty great, but we spend a lot of time together and I figured he might need a week away from us too). It was not easy separating from Abbie, she and his mother made it difficult for him. My ex-wife tried seeing him through Abbie, and my son was having none of it, especially after a public tantrum at his old job (it was a public-facing position with his office info online) that really embarrassed him. She would not dare do that to Sally. Neither of my kids have anything to do with her. Abbie made a couple of dramatic attempts to get my son back, but my son was clear with her. She has been out of his life and he is visibly relaxed. He is living in a new place, close to his new job. He even mentioned putting himself out there a little while ago.

    A couple of months ago a young woman joined our shop, she is very personable, funny and attractive. Our work includes receptions and work socializing, so I have gotten to know her a little, she seems fun. She has mentioned dating and being single a couple of times when we have talked, so I asked my son if he would be okay to give her his number if she was interested, and he was. They have gone out a couple of times, it does not sound like a great fit, but when he was talking about how attractive she was I could see he was enjoying meeting new women again, which frankly all I really hoped for. It got him excited to go out again and got him some confidence back, so whatever happens it was successful as far as I am concerned.

    So, things are really good. And there is going to be a wedding! I have been helping plan it, their ideas of course. It feels like we have gotten through something together, now I am over here shepping nachas, just overflowing with joy. Our little one, eventually an upcoming wedding, and my son smiling consistently again. I really appreciate all of you wonderful people and all of your good advice and well-wishing. Life is so much easier now, babies require time but they are drama free!

    • Spacehooks@reddthat.comMEnglish
      1·
      2 days ago

      ----NEW UPDATE---- She is someone else’s problem!: June 17, 2025 (one month later from the last update)

      This will probably be my last one of these because everything is normal and good again. My daughter’s wedding is pretty well planned, it is going to be relaxed and small, 40-50 people, my daughter is so happy with the location and how it is going, it makes me so happy. Seeing her so happy, this is the best feeling and exactly what a wedding should be. Plus my daughter has really taken to my wife helping plan it, she has a good eye for design, and it has given her something to focus on that is not our little one. Her partner joined me on an overnight fishing trip recently, we got to drink and bond, she told me that she wanted me to walk her down the aisle too. I told her I already agreed to, she was checking that my yes was sincere and not just to be nice. I told her our family is better because of her joining it and that I was deeply honored that she wanted me to. We hugged and drank and talked about how wonderful my daughter is; it really is a feeling of peace to see your child with someone who is great and who respects as well as cares for them. I know they have discussed adoption eventually, they would be wonderful parents, and my son would be a great uncle.

      That was my smooth transition to my son. He is doing well, he is dating a woman he met at my synagogue at a singles event. She seems very sweet, she teaches in the Hebrew school and they have gone out a few times. I am just happy he seems his old self, like before Abbie.

      So to Abbie…she is engaged and someone else’s problem! My son still has some friends in common with her and someone let him know. He did not want any details but my daughter, to no one’s surprise, went online (fake account) onto social media. I came home one day to her and my wife going through her pictures and posts. They have been in love for 150 years, it is the truest love of all loves, thatsince the invention of the kiss there have been 5 kisses rated the most passionate, the most pure, and that they left them all behind. The guy looks like an older and balder version of my son, to the point that when my daughter showed him to me she said “look, John really let himself go.” I tapped out of looking at more, but I can tell you that her pictures have several of her with the guy’s father, and yes they have captions about her dad. May G-d have mercy on his soul. I feel like the guy from the beginning of It Follows, foisting her on a different father to save myself and my family, but what can I say, we did not have to outrun Abbie, just outrun a different father.

      Relevant Comments

      Commenter 1: What a happy ending to this saga. And BeSha’a Tova to you all! Also loved the Princess Bride reference…

      OOP: I am happy that people know the reference, I still love that movie

      OOP on giving a post-wedding update

      OOP: I have had a couple people ask about that, I had not planned on it, but people here have been so great that I will try to remember to. The planning has been so much fun, my wife and I have been invited to be a part of the planning, more than I expected. It has been great for my wife, who is kind of playing mother of a bride and my daughter is having fun with it. For obvious reasons my daughter has never thought of my wife as a mother-type, but I think not having her mom involved in the wedding has made her open to my wife in a new way. She dress and suit shopped with her, they have been doing a lot together. Obviously my wife lets her take the lead and does not push that, but she loves it and I do too. Truly I am so blessed.

      Commenter 2: Woohoo!!! After a hard day at work this is the update I needed!! Thank you sir! Now… we may be done with Abbie, however, we’re INVESTED… you’ve made your family or family we feel like we know them. We want to know how the baby is doing, how the wedding goes, how beautiful the girls look, and how John gets on with this new girl. We may not need updates daily, but maybe every so often wouldn’t hurt 😊

      OOP: That is very nice of you to say, honestly I was not going to bother with more but so many people have mentioned a post-wedding update that I feel I should after how helpful people have been. Our little man is great. I did not miss teething. I did miss baby laugh. My wife is good, there were some physical side effects from the birth but she worked with her team and is fine now, actually she is incredibly happy. Wedding planning continues unabated. An amazing thing has happened. My daughter, who has been honest about it hurting she does not have a mom who could be there, has started getting closer to my wife. They never had a mother/daughter aspect to their relationship, not surprisingly, but have always gotten along. But my wife’s excited offers to help with ideas was met positively, and when Sally went looking at dresses or suits to wear she asked my wife to attend. She played it cool but cried for joy that night. They have been getting closer. Then we saw my daughter’s wedding breakdown and it said Father of a Bride by my name, and Stepmother of a Bride by my wife’s name- Sally has always referred to her as “my dad’s wife” never stepmother. More happy tears. This was an unexpected bonus. I hope you are having good things in your life as well, we could all just use some calm times with good people.

      DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

      THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP