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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2025-07-11 04:02:06+00:00.
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Princessprotect
Originally posted to r/AITAH
AITAH, for calling out my husband for changing up the rules in our open marriage?
Trigger Warnings: controlling behavior, obsessive behavior
Mood Spoilers: frustrating
Original Post: October 17, 2024
I (35f) am in an open relationship with my husband (36m). It was over the summer he mentioned it to me. I wouldn’t say I was totally for it but it took some getting used to. Now everything is going great but recently my husband keeps changing the rules.
Once I started dating Evan (45m) that’s when he started acting differently. My husband and I agreed on a dont ask don’t tell policy but, keeps pestering me about the details of our relationship. I give him a little here and there but never the explicit stuff. Everything positive I mention about Evan he downplays or critiques.
Last week, I planned a date with Evan and asked him to watch the kids. He agreed. He was to get back home by 9 but texted me to say he’s doing overtime that night. I was left scrambling for a sitter at the last minute. This isn’t the first time he has done this. Luckily this time I got a hold of a sitter but I could not stay as long as I was hoping for. Afterwards, he acted as if everything was okay.
He began policing me when I left the house and began picking my outfits apart. Expressing concern about how the neighbors would perceive me. To avoid conflict, I started wearing jackets to cover up before heading out.
Then came the issue of Evan dropping me off. He worried about the neighbors seeing a strange car pull up at night. This forced me to do lunch dates. It wasn’t a bother. I would bring my laptop to Evan’s and work at his place. However, I preferred the dinner dates because I got a chance to dress up more.
Changing up the times seemed to alleviate some tension but I still feel like I was compromising too much. He didn’t even want me to drive to the dates but when Evan pays for an Uber or drops me off it’s an issue. It makes no sense.
The breaking point was when Evan sent flowers to the house. My husband lost it claiming it’s dangerous for a strange man to know our address when we have kids inside. I will say he was right about this. I did drop the ball however, he insisted that I shouldn’t bring home any gifts at all going forward, arguing it violated our don’t ask don’t tell rule.
He used to joke about me not getting chivalry in my open relationship and now that I’m getting dates it’s a big deal? I asked him if he doesn’t take the women he sleeps with on dates and he said no it’s strictly sex and none of that “lovey dovey bullsh**” that I’m doing.
I confronted my husband about these rules and he just brushed it off like it was nothing. Saying “it’s just a respect thing” I was really enjoying this but he’s sucking the fun out of it and it just feels highly stressful.
AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received the majority of NTAs
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: NTA. Question: Does your husband actually hook up with other women? Reading between the lines I wouldn’t be surprised if things weren’t working out for him.
If this is going to work, you can’t just agree to “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” and call it a day. Rules have to be in place. If he only wants sexual relationships outside of the marriage, without emotional intimacy, that’s a fine rule IF you agree to it.
It’s also fine to change the rules after they’ve been established, but that should be based on a conversation where everyone is on the same page. He shouldn’t be able to change or establish the rules on his own and get mad that you haven’t been following them.
OOP: I think he does he dresses up on the weekend to go out and comes in late. We both agreed to Emotional intimacy/ ONS/ casual. It’s just the nitpicking that’s too much. I don’t mind having a discussion but when I’m met with “it’s not that serious” that’s when I get pissed.
Commenter 2: What are the rules in your arrangement for theses side relationships? It sounds like you are dating one person, which is an emotional connection and he is hooking up with various women and not entering into relationships?
OOP: We are okay with emotional connection, one night stands or casual hookups. He says he doesn’t do dating just sex. That’s what works for him. For me I can’t do casual or one night stands. Mentally just too much for me.
Commenter 3: Dating is emotional intimacy though. Dating is literally getting to know someone on a personal and yes emotional level with the end goal of something serious. Again, the guy sent flowers to your house knowing that your husband would be there. At the very least, you need to break it with Evan as that alone is such a red flag. He should have known something like that would cause problems for you with your ACTUAL husband. If the rolls were reversed and your husband was getting gifts delivered or something of the sort, how would you react?
OOP: I am aware of that but we are allowed to date other people. He himself said it was cool with him if I dated. Evan and I had a conversation and he knows I’m not going to make this a permanent thing. I did tell him sending the flowers at home was a bit too much. He still buys me flowers but he keeps them in his apartment for me when I’m at his place working. I wouldn’t mind if my husband received presents, I mentally prepared my self for months before starting this. While he was out dating the 2 weeks after proposing the idea I was at home getting used to the arrangement.
Does OOP’s husband have problems with her dating?
OOP: He has no problems with dating. Evan isn’t the first guy I have dated before in our arrangement.
Commenter 4: Are you poly or are you in an open relationship? Because to me, you are dating this other man, and if he is sending you flowers, you are not just fucking but it has feelings involved, and if that is the case, can you have another relationship while married? If you are poly, then that would be fine, but for me as fare as I’m concerned, you don’t get feelings involved and move towards a full blown relationship in an open marriage. You have your fun he has his.
So depends on the rules of this open marriage on if yta, or nta.
OOP: There are no feelings involved Evan and I had a discussion. He’s just very thoughtful and kind that’s it. Plus I enjoy getting dolled up and trying new restaurants. He isn’t the first guy since opening the relationship and I doubt he will be the last if we continue this.
Has OOP’s husband met someone?
OOP: Husband claims that he met a guy who is happy in his. I don’t know how true that is based on everyone replies and the truth bomb statistics. I guess it’s not true.
Additional Information from OOP after reading comments
OOP: We are both allowed to date and hookup……
We both agreed to either an emotional connection, hookups and casual.He didn’t mind, Evan isn’t the first guy. My husband says he can only do sex, no emotional intimacy, that works for him but I can’t do casual and he knows. That was our agreement.
Update: July 4, 2025 (8.5 months later)
You guys were right, this was a shit show. I’m not sure where to start but we are getting a divorce. He infact did not change and became way more possessive and controlling while changing the rules. Everything I did was either wrong or inconsiderate.
Evan had planned a weekend trip to Cabo to celebrate a new business venture. I asked my husband if he was okay with it weeks in advance. He enthusiastically agreed mentioning I deserved the trip he even told me to make sure I “flood his phone” with pics. I told him I was going to stay with Evan the night before for easier commute, he insisted on taking me to the airport instead. Since it was our last night until Tuesday. However, when it was time to leave he overslept!
Despite urging him to get up to the point that I pulled the covers off and turned off the air he spent an entire HOUR in the bathroom. Then to make matters worse he didn’t fill the tank!! I told him the evening before. I called an uber which was another hour late but luckily I got to enjoy my trip. I let it slide and moved on. Boy oh boy I wish I never went on that trip because things got worse. It’s like I was being punished for the trip.
He became incredibly invasive in my personal relationships. He wanted to know what my sex life with Evan was like. If he was better etc. he used to play it off like it was not a big deal to him then I caught him snooping through my phone. It was too much. I didn’t understand because Evan was no longer the only man I was seeing but Evan triggered him the most.
If that wasn’t enough he had his friends over for boys night, I was getting ready for girls night. Before I left he said out loud “ You’re really gonna leave me to go fuck him” in front of his friends! The embarrassment and humiliation I felt, even typing this. I just sat in my car and cried so much and that’s when I knew it was done. He apologized mentioned he was drunk. I don’t buy it one bit. He has never acted like this…
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1lwx86w/aitah_for_calling_out_my_husband_for_changing_up/
was done. He apologized mentioned he was drunk. I don’t buy it one bit. He has never acted like this.
This open relationship has left me drained mentally and emotionally and it wasn’t even my idea to begin with. I have filed for divorce but he keeps begging for reconciliation but I can’t.
Before anyone comments I know you told me so. Sigh.
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: You said in your first post that you had a “don’t ask, don’t tell policy” and he switched it up… was there any other rules? Like ok you can have a fwb or one night stand? Because you were basically in a relationship with Evan…
I’m not trying to sound like an AH, but it is a good thing you guys divorce, because from how you wrote Evan isn’t the only one anymore shows how much you’re really not ready to settle down anymore and just want to do your own thing, which is fine, but at the same time, please be safe.
OOP: There were multitude of rules that kept getting changed to fit whatever conditions he wanted in the relationship. We kept having discussions over and over and when I asked if he wanted to close he said no.
Commenter 2: But was it said it’s only to be sex or you can have a significant other besides your spouse? It’s not right, but sex is one thing, having a full on partner that you confide in, have sex with and even go on vacations with is completely different IMO…
OOP: I was allowed emotional intimacy (dating) alongside sex . He doesn’t like the relationship aspect, he’s more of a casual one night stand guy. I cannot do that, I need to foster an intimate relationship with others and he knows that! I asked him weeks before about the vacation and he was “happy” for me. This isn’t our first time taking a trip but it’s the first out the country. He could’ve been transparent and communicated that he didn’t want me to go! There are many times he’s voiced his concerns and I listened. I followed the rules he just didn’t like the outcome.
OOP responds to a longer comment regarding the open marriage rules OOP’s husband has set up
OOP: After my first post we discussed the rules and I was allowed to have a full blown relationship. I was always allowed that’s our definition of emotional intimacy, a relationship. The rules have been modified many times. I didn’t care to update Reddit because I didn’t think it was anyone’s business. I have asked him countless of times if Evan was a bother to him, he said no and even went as far as saying he prefers when I’m with one person vs multiple which is strange since he gets with multiple people. If he wanted me to stop speaking with him he should’ve been transparent instead of passive aggressive. I told him the minute he is uncomfortable he should let me know! Even though he’s doing I still love him deeply, I like Evan but he could never compare to my husband.
OOP and her husband should seek couples counseling
OOP: No need for counseling since we are getting a divorce. I would never want to be married to someone who cannot communicate. There are many personal details I left out. Remember you don’t know me and my husband nor our dynamic just the UPDATE TO A POST! What he did by humiliating me and sabotaging every chance wasn’t right! Whether he was angry or not. Emotional manipulation is never okay. With that being said thank you for the response but this is my last one.
Commenter 3: Why get married to have an open marriage? No judgement, just curious.
OOP: You would have to ask him since he was the one that suggested it.
DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7
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