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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/Still-Tonight-3935 on 2023-09-02 14:45:11.
I (41F) have been in my stepdaughters (“Lucy”, 19F) life since she was 4. When Lucy was 12 her mom (“Diana” 46F) unexpectedly became seriously ill and she had to move into a nursing home. We took in Lucy immediately of course. (My husband an I changed jobs and moved across the country with our two other kids, to allow Lucy to be close to her mom and not uproot her completely.) Lucy had a hard time adjusting. We tried family therapy and discovered that Diana worked hard to alienate Lucy from us (Jealousy? Mental disorder?). Stirring her up against our rules and her half-siblings, egging her on to rebel. We also discovered the depths of Dianas mental illness and how much she neglected her daughter over the years. Lucy had suffered and had developed an attachment as well as antisocial disorder due to this. With the help of therapy and a lot of hard work and frayed nerves we managed to help Lucy finish school and find a job she likes. We also helped keep her record clean despite a few run ins with the law. She started out at her own place and seemed content.
Until she broke off contact with everyone for months on end. We knew she was alive from her social media, but every attempt to contact her was blocked. It happened three time in the last 2 years. (Keep in mind: attachment problems)
Two weeks ago she resurfaced. 40 weeks pregnant. We took her home with us and tried to help her prepare for birth and decide how and where to raise her baby, offering her our support. Lucy was firm, however, in her decision to put her baby up for adoption. (That was why she kept it secret so long.) She hadn’t bonded with it at all and wanted nothing to do with it. She didn’t ever want to be a mother. So we supported her in this, too, even if it broke our hearts. (Beeing really honest with ourselves, she would not have been a safe choice to raise the kid herself.) I was at Lucys side during delivery. I looked after the baby until the new parents arrived a day later. I met them - they seem to be really wonderfull people. I was with Lucy during recovery and her return to her own place.
Our contact has greatly improved. However Lucy hasn’t made contact with Diana in all that time. She does not wish to call her at this time. I can respect that, however as a mother myself I cannot even imagine being kept in the dark about a life changing event such as this. I would have wanted to know. I was asked by family why we did not inform Diana as soon as we found out. That it was mean and I, as a stepmother, had no right to withold information. Should I have called her?