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The original was posted on /r/cfb by /u/CommentJunior9653 on 2025-07-29 06:07:19+00:00.

(Yes, I lost a bet. Yes, this took 2 hours to write.) Also please don’t take this personally and Sorry Va Tech I only included you because of a wheel spin I had to do

If Utah State joined the SEC tomorrow, we’d win the whole thing. I’m dead serious.

And before you say: “Didn’t y’all lose 55–0 the last time you played a real team?” Yeah. We did. But our coach literally told us not to try. If we had actually wanted it, we would’ve won easy. Don’t ask how. Just know.

Now let’s talk facts.

Against LSU in 2019 yeah, the greatest team of all time LSU we scored only four fewer points than Georgia did.

And we gave up fewer points than:

Texas.

Alabama.

Texas A&M.

Ole Miss.

Oklahoma.

Northwestern State.

Read that again.

We basically held Joe Burrow’s Avengers offense better than most of the SEC. That makes us playoff ready. Or at least better than Arkansas.

And coaching? Come on.

Bronco Mendenhall wears a polo. A crisp, mature, tax-paying man’s polo. Meanwhile, Kalen DeBoer looks like he got lost on the way to a Planet Fitness. He shows up in sweat pants and a hat pure disrespect. Utah State coaches have class. We don’t show up looking like we just we’re about to get on a 10 hour flight.

Let’s Talk Atmosphere.

Would you rather:

Watch us hang 35 with a mountain backdrop that looks like a Nike ad… or

Bake in 100° Texas humidity while Texas A&M yells whines about Texas for four quarters before losing 24–13 to LSU?

We’ve won more bowl games than Auburn in the past five years.

Let me say that louder for the Tumors Corner crowd: MORE. THAN. AUBURN.

You know how many SEC teams have more conference championships than us in the last 10 years?

Three.

LSU. Alabama. Georgia.

That’s it. That’s the list. So yeah we’re basically 4th in the SEC already. Spiritually, we’re 1st.

Georgia. Let’s Talk.

You win games. But you lose points for driving. You’ve got more speeding tickets than touchdown passes. Kirby Smart’s defense can’t stop a seventeen year old, but apparently they can’t stop at red lights either. Georgia players treat roads like side quests. I’m pretty sure someone is getting booked for a DUI while I’m typing this. Meanwhile, Utah State’s players signal, yield, and stop at the line. That’s culture.

RECRUITING?

You guys need to hand out Lamborghinis to land players. And yet we still steal your players.

BRYSON. FREAKING. PIG FARMER. BARNES. Utah gave him up. We turned him into a legend. Next up? Arch Manning probably. Or Ryan Williams. Did you know that kid was SEVENTEEN last year?

Crazy Right!

NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIPS? (Sorry Hokies)

Virginia Tech has zero.

Utah State has 3.

That’s a +3 national championship differential.

I don’t care if some of them are in softball, volleyball, or competitive tractor balancing.

The banner still hangs. And yet they get the status of a p5 program.

TEAM-BY-TEAM CHECKLIST

Alabama – Your dynasty ended when TikTok got popular.

LSU – You won one title and became the French version of Florida.

Georgia – Great football. Worse driving record than a Monster Jam tour.

Auburn – We’ve won more bowl games than you recently. You peaked during the iPod Classic era.

Texas A&M – Midnight Yell is just a TED Talk in cult cosplay.

Florida – Used to be elite. Now you’re losing to Kentucky and blaming humidity.

Oklahoma – You had Baker Mayfield and Kyler Murray, and still managed zero CFP wins. You’re basically the Dallas Cowboys of college football: loud, historical, and allergic to big games.

Ole Miss – Lane Kiffin tweets more than he wins.

Arkansas – Been “rebuilding” longer than the Notre Dame cathedral.

Mississippi State – You peaked when Mike Leach ranked Halloween candy.

Kentucky – Basketball school.

South Carolina – Your coach broke his foot kicking a cooler. Enough said.

Missouri – The team people forget exists until they beat someone in overtime on ESPN+.

Texas – You’re “back” every August and in therapy by November. You’ve spent a decade trying to turn oil money into wins and still lose to Iowa State.

Vanderbilt – Not even your own fans know what time the games start.

AND THE FINAL POINT.

Dirty Sodas.

While y’all sip your coffee like it’s a cure for sadness, we’re out here mixing Sprite, coconut cream, pineapple syrup, and Nerds Gummy Clusters like mad scientists. You ever had one? It tastes like victory. It tastes like 6-7 in a mountain stadium with a view. That alone makes us one of the premier CFB programs.

Anyways I hope that was convincing enough.