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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/quantumentangl on 2023-09-04 17:49:40.

Note: This story is about me not calling my mom “mom” anymore, but I’m referring to her as mom for the post for simplicity sakes.

I, (25f) have been estranged from my mom for about 4 years. My mom went through a lot of abuse as a kid and in doing so has inflicted a lot of her own trauma onto me. To some extent, I have always tried to understand what she’s going through and not blame her for why she thinks her actions are okay, but my mental health took a big toll and eventually I had to put myself first. She ended up cutting me off after an argument. I still email with my dad (we are really close) and she still allows me to see my sister (f15) with some direction from my dad.

I’ve been with “Dean” (24m) since I was 16. We are pretty much engaged, but I’ve told him I don’t want anything official until I am done with school. His parents and I are super close. We had a rocky relationship when I was younger due to the abuse I was going through and trying to manage medication for anxiety/ptsd and changing therapy and Dean and I struggled.

When my mom cut me off, I had nowhere to go and Dean told his parents I needed help and even though they weren’t sure about me, they still dropped everything and moved me out and let me live with them (I was living at home to save money at college). Dean and I ended up having a conversation about everything going on at home and they were supportive and our relationship greatly improved.

I became incredibly close with Dean’s mom and at one point while helping her in the kitchen accidentally called her “mom”. I apologized but she said it was completely okay and she did not mind, I had been living with them for about 3 years now and she was happy to be my mom for me. So I started calling her mom and Dean, his family, and I ended up going to the mall for holiday shopping and one of my relatives heard us talking and heard me call Dean’s mom, “mom”.

My mom ended up reaching out, angry about how I could call another woman “mom” and that she would take my sister away from me if I can’t even respect her and that she still raised me. I wrote back “As we have already discussed, you did raise me but not in a safe and loving environment and then you left because you did not want to handle me calling you out. I know I was an adult at the time but I was still in college and more importantly, I was still your kid. I understand it hurts that we are not in each other’s lives anymore, but I had to go seek out help and ended up in a safe and loving environment in which they helped me when you wouldn’t. You did raise me, but you don’t get to claim you were my mom and you can’t get to monopolize that title after all the sh** you put me through”

My dad ended up sending me a very lengthy email on how disappointed he was in me because of that email and that I had really hurt my mom. I feel bad, but I don’t know if I was wrong to call her out. AITA?