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The original was posted on /r/hfy by /u/tinwhistler on 2025-09-05 04:53:59+00:00.

It was a historic occasion. Ted took his first steps off the ship and onto the gleaming pearl-white gantry of the diplomatic station several million light-years from Earth. He wore the simple white pressure suit as prescribed by custom. His outfit shouldn’t show any splashy colors or logos. Some of the alien races here tonight might read anything vibrant or that stood out as a mating display or a territorial challenge. The Thryllans had explained that these traditions had been in place for many thousands of years before mankind ever figured out how to make fire.

It was the Thryllans that had the honor of hosting this welcoming banquet–it was they, after all, that first ran into our wayward Voyager probe, sent nearly 400 years ago, and nearly forgotten by humanity. One of their exploration ships picked it up on their sensors, and with its simple ballistic trajectory, they were able to trace it back to Earth.

Truth was, we hadn’t done much with space since then. Sure, there was a colony on the moon–but it was more a political statement than a true outpost. No real science, no self-sufficiency, and no expansion since before Ted was born. Wars, unrest, and economic crises had kept our eyes fixed on the ground. And with lower orbit choked with satellites and junk, even the launch windows for anything big were nearly gone.

But all of that changed when we got the Trhyllan’s first message. They stayed well outside of our solar system–tradition, again, we later learned–and beamed their message across every device on Earth. For nearly 5 hours. It caused quite a stir, let me tell you. Phones, tablets, basically anything that used a connection suddenly usurped by a winding, strangely geometric pattern of light and sound.

After the first initial wave of rumors, disinformation and misinformation spread across the 'net, some mathematicians eventually figured out the signal represented increasingly complex mathematical concepts. From there, things went quickly. It wasn’t long before a rudimentary language was exchanged that then became a thriving exchange of knowledge. Most of the world’s governments temporarily forgot their troubles at home and threw the entire weight of their treasuries at sending their best and their brightest to not only speak with the Thryllans, but to help build and test the new tech they shared with us.

The Thryllans were generous. Unlike in some fiction, there was no “hands-off” approach, no wait-and-see period. The Thryllans were open and free with their technology, and soon we had managed to clear most of our space junk and build a modest little warp-ship capable of sending a single human to meet with the numerous aliens that had formed a loose association. Humanity’s introduction to this coalition was to take place on this station, known as the Watering Hole. Ted thought the name silly, but he was told by top brass that it was the literal translation of the Thryllan word for the place. It was considered sacred, neutral ground where creatures of all species could gather in safety and neutrality.

Ted mused on how he got here. Only one person could make the journey, after all. There may have been a little underhanded politics involved. Daddy’s money may have greased a few palms. But all that was irrelevant–he was here now, and was going to be the first person to see actual aliens. And it’s not like he wasn’t an actual Major in Space Force anyway. Even if all the other branches of the military considered Space Force to be a joke. Well, look who’s laughing now?

Though he wouldn’t be seeing them, exactly. This first meeting, everyone would be wearing the same style of featureless white pressure suits that he was. Tradition again. He might get a general idea of the size and shape of a creature, but he wouldn’t be seeing their faces. At least not yet. This was just a first step, after all.

Ted could barely contain his excitement as he stood through the ceremonial greeting. He tried to do a good job of standing at attention, but he was no enlisted man. He’d done officer’s school, of course. At the posh little academy that his father had arranged for him. It was almost a given that if he were going to follow in Daddy’s footsteps into politics, that he should have a solid military career as part of his PR package.

But standing at attention was what others were supposed to for him. He found himself shifting his weight from foot to foot and fidgeting through the introductions. He laughed to see that he wasn’t alone–nearly everyone in the Thryllan welcoming party was doing the same.

“Can’t wait to get the party started, huh?” he chuckled to himself. “Well, me either!”

He did find it weird that nobody seemed to be looking directly at him. The assembled Thryllans seemed to be looking at everywhere but him. Ted surmised that it was perhaps a custom that they hadn’t mentioned. Or a sign of respect since he knew, at least on Earth, staring directly at someone could be seen as a challenge and a threat. The few times his gaze landed directly on a Thryllan in the assemblage, they froze–so he learned to break his gaze quickly so as not to offend.

Preoccupied with his thoughts, he barely paid attention to the brief arrival ceremony, and soon found himself in a large banquet-style hall filled with beings of all sizes. His eyes darted around behind the one-way view plate of his helmet. As expected, everyone was wearing featureless white pressure suits with opaque white visors, but he could get a sense of body types. Most of them were roughly human-size, give or take, though there was a lot of variation on that score. A surprising number of them walked on all fours. As the Thryllans were bipedal and roughly the same size as a human, Ted wondered if anyone could even tell him apart from the rest of his group. And it seemed like nearly all groups clustered together were likely the same species–knots of different alien races, self-segregating and not intermingling with the others.

“So much for being one big happy family,” Ted thought.

As he was being hosted by the Thryllans, he had the honor of sitting at their table. The opening part of the event was the Ceremony of Water. Ted surmised that water seemed to be a big deal to these people. “Watering Hole.” “Ceremony of Water.” He didn’t get it. A large bowl of pure water was brought to each table, and each creature there took turns dipping what appeared to be a paper cup into the bowl and drinking from it. As the newcomer, Ted’s group was to be served last. He sat in silence for a long time, watching the ritual water drinking play out. Nobody spoke. It took forever.

Of course, given the nature of their suits, nobody drank directly from their cups. The suits were equipped with a straw that could be unfolded so that one could drink from the liquid without lifting their visor. After drinking, each group would solemnly file to what appeared to be a large recycling bin to carefully deposit their cups before water was carried to the next group.

Finally, it was the Thryllans turn, and as the guest of honor, Ted would (of course) be drinking last. After the ceremony, things were supposed to relax. Turns out most galactic species had a taste for intoxicants, and quite a few of them drank alcohol. There’d be drinking, people would unwind, and eventually, the helmets would start to come off as groups became a little drunk and more comfortable around each other. At least, that’s how it was explained to him. Ted couldn’t wait. He was known as quite the partier during his academy days, and he was raring to see if he could drink any of these guys under the table.

Finally, Ted had his ceremonial drink of water, and crept forward, last in line, as each of the Thryllans approached the bin and agonizingly and carefully deposited their trash. Finally, all this pomp and circumstance would be over.

When at last the alien in front of ted deposited his trash, Ted crumpled up his water cup, took two steps back, and tossed the makeshift ball overhand in a beautiful arc that landed directly in the middle of the bin.

“Woosh! Two points! Let’s get the party started!” he cried.

Everybody froze. Still as glass. Still as death. And then–pandemonium.

There were cries and shouts as every creature assembled, including the Thyrllans scrambled for the exits. As slow and deliberate as everyone had been moving before, he was surprised how quickly the hall cleared, leaving him standing there, mouth agape. It was over in seconds. He had no idea what happened.

After several long moments, when no one returned, Ted tried the various exit doors through which the assemblage had made their escape. All of them were locked. After even longer moments, stomach growling, he trudged back down the only door still open: the one leading to his ship. Reluctantly, he climbed inside and hit the button which would auto-pilot him home. From his ship’s view screen, he could see that nearly all of the hundreds of ships that had been moored when he arrived had already departed.

The Thryllans had gone silent before Ted even made it home. All communication, all technical sharing stopped. Ted got chewed out nice and long for his screw-up, and knocked down a rank. Scientists went over Ted’s recordings with a fine-tooth comb, until at last the answer was clear.

“Look at these clusters,” a zoologist pointed out, highlighting several groups from a freeze-frame taken from Ted’s visor camera. Looking at the world leaders were seated at an…

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