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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/WinterReasonable79 on 2023-09-06 12:42:57.

I (F44) live with my husband (M47), we have two adult children who don’t live with us anymore. Ever since my MIL (F83) got weaker and older, she lives with us, too. Two years ago MIL was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. She is under medical care, of course, but despite it the disease is progressing fastly. Nowadays MIL cannot stay at home alone as she is dangerous for herself and her surroundings. She almost burned the house, twice, and there were also some other accidents. Fortunately as for now she didn’t hurt herself seriously but at this rate the question is “when” it will happen, not “if”.

Taking care of her is mostly my responsibillity, as my husband has very irregular schedule and - because of nature of his work - he often has to be on call and/or leave home at short notice.

As for me, I usually work 8-10 h/day, mostly from home but sometimes I have to be in the office. After I finish work, I take care of the house and MIL. My husband helps me as much as possible but quite often he can’t be there for me.

I’ll be honest, I never was a caretaker type. I don’t have enough patience, I don’t like when other people depend on me, I am nervous when I suddenly have to adjust my plans. I cared about my children, obviously, and I like to believe that I was a decent mother, but honestly I have much better contact with them and (as bad as it sounds) love them more since they grew up and got more independent.

The more my MIL needs my help, the more I grow impatient, exhausted and burned out. I do my best to not to show it but the situation realy wears me off. And I am well aware that with time she’ll need even more attention and patience. Admittedly, given that I cannot always work from home, and MIL can’t be alone, I have constant problems at work, which upsets me, as I cherish my work and career.

Given everything, I want to put my MIL into nursing home. Obviously, before I do so, I’ll research and choose one with good reputation and qualified staff. My husband has mixed feelings about it, which is understandable as she is his mother, but he says that given that I’m the one mostly taking care of her, the final decision is mine to make.

Problem is, husband’s siblings are raising hell, calling me (and husband, but mostly me) cruel and undependable. They say I should just hire a nurse or something. I don’t want to let a stranger into my house AND I don’t want to be a caretaker at all and in this configuration I’d still have to take care of MIL after work. We (I and my husband) offered them that we’ll pay them for either taking her to live with one of them, or for taking care of her at our place but they weren’t interested citing, that “it’s too much responsibility” and “they have their own lives”. But… that’s exactly why I considered the nursing home at the first place?

AITA?