This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/Embarrassed-Cash-957 on 2023-09-07 07:36:09.

I (M38) have always had a very close relationship to my nephew Luke (M24). Luke’s mother (my sister) died when he was 4. His father Tommy does a pretty good job, but is always working so although Tommy isn’t around so much because he’s trying to keep the lights on and food in the refrigerator, I’ve kind of taken up some of the more guidance related parenting as Luke got older.

Luke has been in a relationship with Janelle (F28) for about two years. Janelle is widowed. Her husband Paul was a US Marine but was killed in a training accident six years ago. A few weeks ago, Luke came to me telling me that Janelle has been pressing him to propose (largely because she wants a baby) but he wasn’t sure. He asked me if he should. I told him that no, because Janelle is still in love with Paul and he will never measure up to the deified image she has created of him.

Janelle talks endlessly about Paul. Anytime there is a problem, she’s start by saying “if Paul were here” and then mention how he’d just squash the problem (i.e., he’d know how to fix a seized engine on the side of the road, be able to complete a pass that Tom Brady couldn’t, fight off a literal gang, etc.) You’d think he were Paul Bunyan or Pecos Bill. He’s not a man to her anymore, but she’s put his memory up as an ideal.

She will never be able to hold to one of the key marriage vows–forsaking all others. Paul will always be #1 and while Luke is doing the hard work of maintaining a home, marriage and family he’s always going to be #2. I told him that sounds like a sad life and he should go and somewhere where he can be their “Paul.” He was hesitant. So I told him to invite her over for dinner. I’m going to ask her a couple of things. From there he can decide.

So Janelle comes over and I tell her that her and Luke have started talking about children and I’m excited for them. She’s beaming and really excited too. I ask her if she has any names in mind. Obviously, she says Paul for a boy. I ask her if she’d consider Luke. She looks at me like I just suggested she jump off a cliff. She gets a bit angry and says how its important to her to honor Paul and he isn’t here while Luke is. I told her I meant no offense and continued on.

The next day I went to Luke and told him that he’s a fool if he marries her. If she has a son, it is far more important for her to honor Paul rather than the man who has pledged his life to her, is raising that son with her and will be looking after her and their children for the rest of his life. Although I’d not bat an eye if she wanted to name their son anything other than Luke or Paul, she reacted as if it were a bad joke when I suggested that he get that honor. I told him “Luke, I love you like a son. If you marry this woman, you’re going to have a sad life and be marginalized every day.”

Luke ended the relationship a week later. I hear through the grapevine that Janelle is blaming me for ruining her second chance at happiness.