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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/Spirited-Winter4147 on 2023-09-07 11:16:31.

My stepmom saw a comment I made on a Facebook post several weeks ago that said I would probably have my mom in the delivery room with me if she were still alive. The post was from a page I follow asking expectant parents if they thought their mom’s being there would bring them some comfort. She messaged me on Facebook when she saw it and told me I could still have one of my mom’s there, her. I replied back that it wasn’t her I meant.

I saw her a few days after and she brought up to me how embarrassing it was to have me openly state that on social media where people could see. She said most would assume I have two mom’s and that she would be worthy of being invited. I told her my reply was not said to embarrass her but I was being honest about my feelings on the topic. She brought it up more times and tried to advocate for me saying yes. When I kept saying no she said I was blessed with two mom’s and sometimes I act as though I only have one.

The background to this is as follows: I lost my mom when I was 6 and dad remarried just before I turned 8. My stepmom wanted to adopt me when they got married but I didn’t want that. My dad didn’t want to waste the money if I’d tell a judge I didn’t want it and said judge sided with me. I think my stepmom tried to be a good second mom and tried to fill the space my mom used to. She didn’t remove mom’s memory but she did compete with her memory a lot. I never wanted a second mom and always saw her as more of a dad’s wife than a stepmom, but saying stepmom seemed like a compromise to not rock the boat too much. She has four sons with my dad. She’s a good mom to them though I think she always wanted a daughter and I do believe that is part of the reason she could never let go of the whole “mom” thing.

But anyway. The topic was not dropped by my stepmom. I changed the subject a lot when she brought it up but over the weekend it came up again and she said I was already honoring my mom and MIL with my daughter’s name (not their actual names but associations with them) and I have never acknowledged her as being a mom to me or even a grandma to my daughter and the least I could do is let her be there and let her support me the way I dream my mom would. She told me she could be my greatest advocate and it would go a long way for acknowledging the mother/daughter nature of our relationship.

I made it very clear to her then that I did not want her there and yes, I want my mom, but she never held that title for me. I told her that she was my stepmom and she was not someone I would feel comfortable having there for the moment. She was upset and tried to pull my dad into it but he refused to get involved which… no surprises there. My stepmom said if I didn’t want her there then I should have at least deleted those comments and she also said I had made it very clear I think nothing of her feelings.

AITA?

ETA: The messages were DMs and not public.