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The original was posted on /r/transmedical by /u/utsur0_11 on 2025-09-30 14:15:27+00:00.

As for me, I was horrible and embarrassing. I feel so guilty.

I am terribly ashamed of this entire “non-binary” thing I had going on because I was hugboxed and my abhorrent dysphoria wasn’t being taken seriously by anyone. I attempted suicide around 8 times because of it, I couldn’t function like a person. I don’t know how I managed to get this far and how I managed to pretend for this long. I think if my parents and then-friends had been a little more accepting when I came out, I wouldn’t have had to water myself down for their convenience. I swear I was being hugboxed to hell. Not just by them, but by the influence of the loud, “broader” LGBT community. The demonization of wanting a dick/phallo still makes me furious.

I feel like the first few weeks/months on testosterone felt like being hit with my first few rational thoughts ever because I’m basically closeted again as a (transsex) binary man. I don’t know why people told me that I “passed” when I opened up about my dysphoria. I feel like I gained more self awareness and matured a bit.

And even before, as a longtime lurker of various trans subreddits, I always knew the way people treat dysphoria and trans people (especially trans males) even in trans “inclusive” spaces rubbed me the wrong way (i.e. people on Pinterest, other FTM subreddits).

Sorry this is kind of long. But did other transsexual people go through this before maturing? I can’t help but feel terribly guilty for all the misinformation I spread. And now I have to go through the legal process again to get my gender corrected to male again. I feel horrible just thinking about going back to town hall for that.