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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2025-10-06 04:00:02+00:00.
I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRAHoldinghands
My (40M) wife (36F) was seen holding hands with another man
Originally posted to r/relationship_advice & r/LegalAdviceUK
TRIGGER WARNING: infidelity, accusations of controlling behavior, manipulation, mental health issues, child abandonment
MOOD SPOILER: exasperated disgust
Original Post Dec 10, 2023
My wife (36F) and I (40M) have been together 5 years and got married last year. We definitely have our ups and downs but we’re generally happy.
On Friday she went out with people from her work for Christmas drinks and arrived home around midnight absolutely hammered. She just said she’d had a good time and went straight to bed.
Yesterday I got a message on instagram from an anonymous account claiming to be one of her colleagues saying she’d been flirting all night with one of the guys from the office (44M) and they’d left together at about 9 to walk to the train station.
The colleague had a couple more drinks for then went to the station herself, and says she saw my wife walking hand in hand with the guy through the station at about 10:45. They didn’t see her.
Last night I showed her the message and asked her for an explanation. She claimed she was so drunk she doesn’t remember anything that happened after about 8pm. I asked if she went somewhere with the guy after they left the group and she checked the location history on her phone which confirmed that they had gone to a bar near the station for about an hour. They arrived at the station at 10:40.
She gave me her phone and insisted I check it and there were no suspicious messages or anything. As far as I could tell she doesn’t have the guy’s number in her phone and they’re not following each other on instagram or friends on Facebook.
I asked if she was flirting with him and she admitted that she was talking mostly to him all night but that’s just because he’s the only person in her office she has anything in common with and that they’re just friends and it wasn’t flirting. She’s mentioned this guy to me before and said how much they have in common.
I asked if they were holding hands and she said she doesn’t remember but she doesn’t think so.
She claims to know who sent me the message and says it’s a woman in the office who hates her although she doesn’t know why.
Today she’s been in a terrible mood and we’ve not really spoken.
So that’s where we are. I’m not sure what to do. Is this as big a red flag as it seems to be?
Update 1 Dec 19, 2023 (9 days later)
A few people requested an update to my last post and a lot has happened in the last week so here it is. I’ll post any further updates on my profile.
Tl;dr my wife (Sam) got drunk on a work night out and was seen holding hands with a guy from her office.
Sam came home from work on Monday and casually said that she’d spoken with the guy (Tom) and he’d confirmed that they hadn’t held hands they’d just been walking arm in arm because she was drunk and wearing heels.
I asked why her colleague (Helen) would make an instagram account, track me down, and message me saying they held hands if it wasn’t true.
She said Helen is basically in love with Tom and made a pass at him just after his divorce but he rejected her.
I asked why Helen would feel threatened by her. She said because her and Tom are friends and Helen’s a crazy jealous bitch as evidenced by the instagram message.
I asked why she went for a drink just her and Tom. She said that according to Tom they walked past this bar with an amazing live band playing so they stopped in for a drink.
Her only regret was doing too many shots too early and getting shitfaced.
The next day she went shopping after work and came home with a new dress. I asked what the occasion was and she said her work Christmas party. Last week was just drinks with people from her office. The company Christmas party is on Friday. Apparently she’d mentioned this…
I hardly slept that night. The next day I decided to reply to the instagram message to get some more info. I asked ‘do you think anything’s going on with them?’
Helen (I assume) quickly replied with a long message saying that they flirt at work and everyone’s noticed. Apparently Sam was going to be let go but Tom put in a good word so she kept her job. Tom protects her in the office and will constantly defend her.
She also said that Sam bitches about me to the whole office and it’s clear we don’t have a happy marriage.
I asked if she was going to the Christmas party and she said she was. She said she’d update me if anything happened.
Sam finished work early on Friday so she had time to get ready. She looked amazing and i really didn’t want her to go but I felt like I couldn’t say anything.
I got an instagram message about midnight saying that Sam and Tom hadn’t interacted at the party but that people from the office had decided to leave and go to a different bar. They all left just before 11 and were at the new bar by ten past. Sam and Tom turned up just before midnight.
Sam arrived home about 2am not quite as drunk as last time and went straight to sleep. I pretended to be fast asleep.
I looked at the location history on her phone. After leaving the venue she’d taken a 3 mile detour to a residential street, stayed for half an hour, then gone to the bar.
I sent the address to Helen. She didn’t reply until the next morning when she said it was Tom’s house.
When Sam woke up I just asked her straight out if she cheated on me with Tom last night. She angrily denied it.
I told her that I knew she’d been to Tom’s house. She accused me of spying on her. Called me controlling. Said she was going to stay with her sister.
I demanded an explanation and she said she went to his house so they could smoke a joint before heading to the bar. Then she stormed out.
She wouldn’t reply to my messages or answer my calls all day Sunday. I called her sister who said she hadn’t seen her, but she text me later that she’d spoken to Sam and she was ok.
Sam came home yesterday morning. I asked where she’d been and she just said she couldn’t do this anymore and wants a divorce.
She went to start packing some clothes while I tried to get her to talk to me. I asked if she was leaving me for Tom.
She once again denied anything inappropriate had happened between them but said my jealousy was the final straw. It’s clear I don’t trust her. I’m controlling. I take her for granted. She’s deeply unhappy. Has been for a while.
So she’s gone. It looks like I’ll be spending my first Christmas alone. I have no idea if she was telling the truth or if it was an affair. Weirdly I’m not feeling too bad today so maybe this is for the best.
Final update Jan 8, 2024 (20 days after last update)
Once she was gone Sam blocked me on all her social media and refused to return my messages or answer my calls.
I ended up travelling to the other side of the country to spend Christmas with my parents. On Christmas Eve Sam came home and took more of her stuff. I watched her on our security cameras. I tried phoning her but she ignored my calls.
Christmas wasn’t great and my parents were both shocked and in denial about what had happened. They had no idea we were having issues and insisted Sam would come to her senses and come home. Eventually I just said she’d met someone else. I returned home on the 27th.
I’d been getting sporadic updates from Sam’s sister just letting me know she’s alright but without any details.
Before all this happened we’d made plans to spend New Year’s Eve at Sam’s favourite bar in the city. I went on my own but she didn’t show up.
On Tuesday night I received an instagram message from Helen saying that Sam and Tom had arrived at work together in Tom’s car. I didn’t bother replying.
On Wednesday night she sent another message saying Sam was poisoning the office against her and that Tom was pushing upper management to transfer her to another office or get rid of her. She begged me to do something.
I text Sam and said we needed to talk but she didn’t reply. So the next day I called her work switchboard, gave a fake name, and got put through.
I could tell she wasn’t happy to hear my voice but she agreed to meet up after work at a local pub and talk.
I got there early and she arrived 25 minutes late. She apologised for ignoring my calls and said she still cares about me and wants to end things on good terms. I said just tell me the truth.
She promised that she wasn’t having an affair with Tom and they were just friends. She admitted that they talk a lot in the office but insisted it wasn’t an emotional affair.
She understands why I was suspicious after the instagram message but said I should have accepted her denial and trusted her. She has a lot of male friends but she felt like she couldn’t hang out with them because I’d get jealous. …
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1nz9344/my_40m_wife_36f_was_seen_holding_hands_with/
Jesus Christian the worst decision this dude made was being with this woman in first place. Seems like she just wants to screw op over.
She understands why I was suspicious after the instagram message but said I should have accepted her denial and trusted her. She has a lot of male friends but she felt like she couldn’t hang out with them because I’d get jealous.
I pointed out that I’ve never told her not to hang out with anyone but she said I’d be in a mood whenever she’d hang out with a guy friend.
She feels like we only got married to try and fix a relationship that was already broken. Our conversations have devolved into small talk and we’ve drifted apart.
I said I’d heard that she and Tom arrived at work together.
Sam said she went to Tom’s after I accused her of cheating and knew it was over between us. They spent the weekend together and agreed that they’d make a better couple than we did. She needed me to know that nothing happened between them until after she’d told me she wanted a divorce. And now they were together. And she wanted me to hear it from her before I saw it on social media. Tom was waiting outside for her in the car.
All I could do was stand up and walk out. Sam text me saying she knew I was upset but not to do anything stupid. I blocked her number. I’m not gonna lie it was a rough night.
The next day I was just numb. Didn’t really do much.
Over the weekend I dug out our marriage certificate so I can start divorce proceedings. I’ve no idea what to say to Helen so I haven’t replied.
I think the plan now is to try and find a new job closer to my hometown. I moved across the country to live with Sam and I’ve never really felt settled here. I also don’t wanna run into her and Tom around town. Luckily we rent.
This will probably be my last update unless something miraculous happens so thanks for reading.
NEW UPDATES
What are the potential consequences of IVF fraud? May 7, 2024 (4 months after last update)
My soon-to-be-ex-wife is pregnant and has suggested to her friend that it’s mine. The only way this is possible is if she’s had our final frozen embryo implanted without my permission. If that’s what she’s done then either the IVF clinic haven’t asked for my sign-off or she’s somehow convinced them that I’ve granted permission. When I left our shared house in January I couldn’t find my passport so it’s likely she has it.
I’m waiting for a call back from the clinic but I’m freaking out and want to get an idea of the potential consequences. Could she get sent to prison? What will happen to the clinic? What happens when the baby arrives considering the circumstances?
We’re in England. Thanks.
Edit: I’ve finally spoken to the clinic manager and it seems this is all down to my own stupidity.
When our last embryo didn’t take we signed all the paperwork a few weeks later to do the final transfer. My wife then developed some hormonal issues so we paused the process until she could get it sorted out. Then for various reasons we decided not to proceed with the transfer which she told the clinic.
Apparently they just paused the process for up to 3 years in order to protect our deposit, and the consent forms remained valid. My wife had the transfer six weeks ago.
I’m (41M) about to move back in with my pregnant ex-wife (37F). How can we make this work? Sept 24, 2024 (over 4 months after last update)
My ex-wife is pregnant with our first child due on Christmas Eve. There’s more detail in my profile but essentially we broke up last Christmas and I moved back in with my parents 200+ miles away.
She started a relationship with a coworker which caused so much drama at her work that in February she reached a ‘mutual agreement’ that she would immediately resign in exchange for 6 months salary. The relationship ended and she used the settlement money to restart the IVF process we’d paused years earlier.
When I found out she was pregnant I contacted the IVF clinic who explained that the contracts we’d signed at the start of the process were still valid and they hadn’t done anything wrong.
I disagreed and thanks to the advice/recommendations of r/LegalAdviceUK I hired solicitors specialising in clinical negligence and contract law. They managed to negotiate a settlement with the clinic in lieu of legal action, and my ex and I ended up with about £80k each after fees. Plus the clinic updated their processes to require consent be reconfirmed by both parties before any embryo transfer takes place.
For the last 4 months I’ve been in regular contact with my ex, discussing settlement negotiations and travelling down south for scans. When I asked why she did it she just said that she knew this was her last chance to have a baby and when she came into some money she took it as a sign that she should go ahead with the embryo transfer before I remembered to withdraw consent. She’s since been diagnosed with bipolar disorder which in her mind has absolved her of any responsibility for her actions.
She’s desperate for us to get back together and raise our son as a family. I’m not interested in being a couple but I obviously don’t want to be 200 miles away from my son. I’ve got a new job so I really didn’t want to move back down to Hampshire, but she was willing to move up to Yorkshire as long as we lived together, so we agreed to spend the settlement money on a house in my hometown.
I picked up the keys last week and I’ve been furnishing/decorating in preparation for us moving in next week.
My ex has no friends or family round here and no job. Us living together is going to be super awkward but once the baby comes I’m hoping we can get into a coparenting routine. The new house has 3 bedrooms so we’ll have one each and one for our son. We’ve agreed not to see other people for at least 3 years (her request).
What’s the best way to navigate this situation? We’re both very excited to be parents and I hope I’m making the best of a shitty situation but it’s obviously fraught with potential pitfalls.
I don’t see us rekindling a romantic relationship but in an ideal world we’ll live together for a few years then sell the house, by which point she’ll be settled here and we can live close to each other and coparent our son.
I hope I’m not being unbelievably naive and making a huge mistake. My parents are excited to be grandparents but they’re not keen on the idea of us living together.
UPDATE: I’m (41M) about to move back in with my pregnant ex-wife (37F). How can we make this work? Dec 19, 2024 (3 months after last update
To say my last post got a negative response would be an understatement. It was a strange feeling reading all the replies saying what a mistake I was making after putting in so much thought and spending lots of time and effort to get where I was.
Someone sent me a link to a TikTok of my previous posts. Hearing the worst time of my life being read out loud really affected me and brought out a lot of feelings of guilt and shame. It made me realise that I hadn’t even began to process what happened last Christmas, or why, and I contacted a therapist the next day.
Sam moved in the day before my first appointment. It was awkward but she was busy organising her new room so I just left her to it. That night we ordered pizza and watched a movie. It was nice.
I met the therapist the next day and explained the situation. He thought the whole thing was a bad idea, but as we were now living together he agreed to help us navigate things as smoothly as possible. He thought couples therapy would be the best option.
Sam and I have seen him every week since then, and gone through our entire relationship.
After four miscarriages (the last two at 12+ weeks) absolutely wrecked Sam’s mental health I started cooling on the idea of continuing to try for a child. Instead of talking to Sam - she so desperately wanted to be a mum I thought it would break her - I just pulled away from her. Of course she noticed and blamed herself and began spiralling. Couple this with undiagnosed bipolar disorder and the hormone issues which resulted from the IVF and it was a recipe for disaster.
Sam thought - possibly correctly - that I wanted out of the relationship but was too cowardly to come out and say it, so I just checked out and waited for her to get sick of me. The whole Tom situation was the straw that broke the camel’s back and she gave up fighting for our marriage and let me get out guilt free.
In therapy I’ve learned to accept my responsibility for the breakup of our marriage. I wasn’t a good husband towards the end and it’s a miracle Sam stuck around as long as she did. The time apart made me realise how much I still love her. We’ve agreed to try and embrace what’s happened and be thankful it brought us to where we are now. Hopefully we’ve both learned lessons that will make our relationship stronger - I know I have.
So we’re now back living as a couple. I cancelled the divorce which was taking ages as Sam refused to engage with it.
Our son was born on December 11th - 2 weeks earlier than expected - and he’s absolutely perfect. I’m holding him as I write this.
I know a lot of people who read my previous posts will be disappointed with how I’ve handled this, but at the end of the day we’ve only got one chance at life and I honestly can’t think of a better way to spend mine.
Thanks for all your advice over the past year and Merry Christmas.
Can I take my son out of the country without his mother’s express permission? (England) May 7, 2025 (5 months after last update)
My wife gave birth to our son in December. She suffers from untreated bipolar disorder and after Christmas she developed severe PPD. We agreed that she’d go and stay with her mum for a week as she was spiralling and needed a break.
She never came back and we’re no longer in direct contact. Our last conversation was over a month ago and it didn’t go well. She apparently has no interest in being in our son’s life or even getting updates on him. As far as I know she’s still living with her mum 200+ miles away.
I’ve been offered a secondment at my company’s Swedish office covering maternity leave for a year. I want to take it but I don’t want to tell my wife as she would likely try to throw a spanner in the works. I have my son’s passport and original birth certificate. Can I just go without telling her?
We also own a house together which I’d like to rent out while I’m away. If she turns up out of the blue and finds someone else living here could she do anything? There’s no mortgage and all the bills are in my name but she’s on the deeds.
To be clear - if she ever decides to unblock me and wants to see our son then of course we’d come back. I’m not looking to take him away from her forever but I think this would be good for us.
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP
DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP’s OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7
