**I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/THROWAWAY_2948199** **Originally posted to r/Advice & r/AITAH** Previous BoRUs:...
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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2025-10-08 04:04:05+00:00.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/THROWAWAY_2948199

Originally posted to r/Advice & r/AITAH

Previous BoRUs: #1 posted by u/rickysayhey

[New Update]: My (30M) fiancée (38F) is angry that I got my daughter 5 pairs of running shoes

OLD NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Editor’s note: made small edits for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: entitlement, emotional abuse and manipulation, accusations of favoritism, neglect, mentions of rape, accusations of abuse

Mood Spoilers: outrageous

Editor’s note: adding relevant comments for more context that were not in the previous BoRU

RECAP

Original Post: September 29, 2023

My fiancé has 3 kids (16M, 19F, 13M) with her ex, meanwhile I only have one kid with my ex, my daughter (14F)

My daughter is a state qualifying cross country and track runner. This means that her training schedule is rather intense, with her weekly mileage reaching into the high 70s and low 80s. At her most recent sports physical, I asked her doctor how often I should replace her shoes because I’m sure they get worn out pretty quickly with the amount of miles she’s running each week. Her doctor recommended switching the shoes out every 6 months, as well as get 2 pairs of shoes so she can switch out the pair she’s wearing every other day or so. However, her shoes may need to get replaced earlier depending on how intense her weeks get.

After the appointment I took my daughter out to a few athletic stores so she can pick out a few pairs. I told her to pick out 4 pairs of running shoes, 2 for track season and 2 for cross country. Then I told her to pick out a pair of spikes for her races. I spent over 300 for her shoes.

When we came home my fiancé saw the bags my daughter was holding and my daughter excitedly told her about the new shoes she has gotten. My fiancé stayed quiet until later that night while we were getting ready for bed she starting yelling at me for being irresponsible and a horrible person to her own kids. She said she was very mad because I should also get her kids shoes if I’m spending over 300 for my daughter. I mentioned that we agreed we would each provide for our own kids on our own, and her kids don’t play any sports. They all sit in their rooms all day on their electronics, even when I do buy them something they never say thank you or appreciate what I get them.

She got even angrier and now she hasn’t talked to me still, it’s been 2 weeks. How do I handle her anger towards me for not getting her kids shoes when I got my daughter shoes?

Additional Information from OOP on his daughter

OOP: Money is not an issue for me. I make a lot, more than enough to live comfortably. My daughter’s passion for running will never die down so she won’t quit, she tells me everyday that she can’t wait for practice so she can go on a run with her friends.

Her foot size has stayed the same since 7th grade, she just started freshman year so I’m going to assume her foot size done growing. Also, as a runner, it is her responsibility to have a well balanced diet, stretch, roll out, and utilize her recovery runs and rest days efficiently so that she does not get injured. Of course injuries happen, but she does things so the risk is minimized and she has not had a serious injury in her running career.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: These are simply my opinions… 1. As a former high school runner of similar caliber… 5 pairs is a bit much all at once. Two pairs now, 2 pairs when track actually starts, and a pair of spikes for each season would have been fine (and is probably the right way to go ultimately). But buying them all at once probably is what got the shock factor ramped up for your fiancé. 2. As someone who has been in a relationship dynamic similar to yours…Any relationship where yelling and insults are seen as a way to resolve disagreements and conflict is bad news. I highly recommend counseling before marriage. On the back end of 2 years of individual counseling post-divorce, I know now how much we both could have used it beforehand.

OOP: Thank you for your opinions! I suppose I could of waited, but I leave for a work trip in the beginning of January (which is when her track season starts) and I know my fiancé wouldn’t take her to get shoes even if I sent her money for it. It just made sense to me to get them for her now rather than wait. The track shoes are put away and ready for her to take out when track season starts. Though, I do want to say that money is and never has been the issue. It’s what I spent my money on for my daughter that my fiancé has issues with.

To your comment on therapy, she has been medicated for depression and anxiety since she was 20. She goes to therapy herself weekly but she doesn’t like the idea of me going with her.

AITAH for buying my daughter a gift when I didn’t buy my fiancé’s kids one?: October 7, 2023 (eight days later)

My (30M) daughter’s (14F) Nintendo switch completely stopped working earlier this week. She got it the month it was released (March 2017) and has kept it in good condition for over 6 years. Yesterday she had her conference cross country meet, where she both PR’d and qualified to run state. To celebrate her new achievements, I took her out to eat and then bought her a new nintendo switch with a game she picked out.

My fiancé (38F) came back from her parent’s earlier today and saw my daughter playing with her switch. She asked me about it after my daughter left with her boyfriend and I told her that I wanted to celebrate her accomplishments in her running career so I got her a new switch as a gift. Fiance then got really angry and told me that if I’m going to buy my daughter something then I have to be fair and buy her own kids (19F, 16M, 13M) something too. I pointed out that I do buy her kids gifts when they reach goals and achievements too (for example, I bought my stepdaughter an expensive hello kitty necklace as a high school graduation gift and I let both the boys pick out two video games when they both passed their final exams).

She told me that it’s unfair I spend more on my daughter than I do on her kids because I make a lot more than her. Fiance then got angrier and accused me of not liking her kids because of the different financial treatment between her kids and my kid. She left with her two sons, but her daughter stayed with me at the house because she’s on my side.

I got a bunch of texts from her family calling me a selfish asshole for treating her kids differently when buying gifts. AITA?

EDIT: To answer some common questions, because there’s a lot of comments and it’s hard to get to all of them in a timely manner.

“How does your fiancé treat your daughter?” My daughter and fiancé don’t interact much. They’re both polite to each other, but they simply don’t talk much aside from small talk and my daughter asking her some questions about cooking food. I have mentioned to my daughter before that if my fiancé ever were to mistreat her, she needs to tell me and I will always have her back no matter what. To my knowledge, my fiancé DOESN’T mistreat her at all. They just don’t talk much.

“Do you have a will or trust fund in place?” I have a will set up that gives my daughter everything, my will is safe with a very trusted lawyer friend of mine. I also have a trust in place for my daughter, and she will gain full access to it once she turns 21.

“Did you have this argument in front of her children?” No, she called her kids down and told them what we were arguing about. I told them my side, and her sons took her side and left with her.

“What is your relationship like with her kids? How are they with your daughter?” My relationship with her sons is unfortunately minimal. I try to talk to them about their favorite topics or hobbies and they either ignore me or shut the conversation down as soon as possible. I don’t talk to them much either other than when they come to me for advice on things like school, friends, etc. My relationship with her older daughter is very good though, I’d like to think we are close. As for my daughter, she doesn’t talk to her stepbrothers much but she’s extremely close with her older sister.

Hope this clears up some things.

Edit 2: To clear up another few common things being mentioned, my fiancé has not always been this way with my daughter and me. She started getting much more defensive when my daughter finished middle school. I am not with my fiancé for sex, my sex drive is low and so is hers. Her children’s father is not in their life and does not pay child support, my daughter’s mother is not in her life either.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA. You only replaced her old Nintendo Switch so technically it wasn’t a new gift. Also, you should be able to buy your daughter a gift and not expect to but everyone else a gift. How long have you two been together?

OOP: We’ve been dating for 4 years, engaged for 2. I’ve known her fo…

Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1o10jli/new_update_my_30m_fiancée_38f_is_angry_that_i_got/

  • Spacehooks@reddthat.comMEnglish
    1·
    2 days ago

    Relevant Comments

    Commenter 1: NTA. You only replaced her old Nintendo Switch so technically it wasn’t a new gift. Also, you should be able to buy your daughter a gift and not expect to but everyone else a gift. How long have you two been together?

    OOP: We’ve been dating for 4 years, engaged for 2. I’ve known her for 7 years though.

    OOP should sign the prenup before getting married

    OOP: She is against signing a prenup because she takes it as me thinking of her as a gold digger, which I don’t think she is. We are comfortable staying engaged.

    Does OOP get along with his fiancée’s children?

    OOP: Her sons do not talk to me that much, I try to have daily conversations with them and talk to them about their favorite hobbies and such but they either ignore me or try to shut down the conversation as fast as possible. Aside from when they come to me for advice on things, but other than that we don’t interact with each other much (other than me giving them gifts). I would say I am close with her older daughter though.

    Commenter 2: NTA, how does she get along with your daughter? Do her kids get along with yours? Do you all live together

    OOP: My daughter and her don’t really interact with each other than simple greetings or when my daughter has to ask her a question about cooking when she’s making food. My daughter doesn’t have a problem with the minimal interaction with fiancé. As for fiancé’s kids, my daughter and them get along fine. She doesn’t talk to her stepbrothers that much but she’s very very close with her older step sister, it’s great to see! When her older sister gets home from work they go out to eat and shop around and stuff. We do live together, the house is under my name, and I pay all bills as well as mortgage.

    Commenter 3: Your daughter doesn’t have a problem with it because she is scared of causing an argument and be hated even more than she already is out of everyone who lives in the house her daughter is the only one she gets on with apart from you that is disgusting she’s being isolated and ur allowing it.

    You seem to not be bothered for your daughters well being she is ignored by the grandparents aswel so fiancé has a big support system and coincidentally when things don’t go her way they all message and call you and side with her, are you that scared of being on your own that you will subject your daughter to this constantly.

    You are not your fiancés atm you can spend your money on who you want when you want, her kids are not your responsibility it’s not your fault there dad doesn’t have anything to do with them. When you get married you are going to be putting your daughter in such a risky situation she is already jealous of her if you do stay with her I can see your daughter turning 18 and leaving with this bf and having no contact with you is it really worth losing her over your fiancé.

    I think you need to open your eyes or better yet stop making excuses for an entitled gold digger it doesn’t Matter if her family has money and buys things you have been enabling her behaviour and so has her family she thinks she deserves your money please leave her.

    Commenter 4: She doesn’t buy your daughter anything, does she buy her own kids stuff? How is the relationship between your fiancé and your daughter? There seems to be some projecting here. Her reluctance to sign a prenup is also concerning as she may not be a “gold digger” but she is definitely interested in keeping access to your resources.

    NTA - It may be time to reconsider this relationship.

    OOP: She does buy them stuff, but not often I don’t think. The majority of the gifts they get is actually from their grandparents. They stay with them almost every weekend, and their grandparents buy them lots of gifts, they know how to manage their money well and they make a lot so there’s no issues there. It is just me and my daughter, I don’t have any other family and she does not have a relationship with her bio mom. My fiancé and daughter don’t interact much aside from some simple questions and such.

    OOP on setting up a will

    OOP: I have set up a will that gives my daughter everything, my fiancé does not know about this though. Her kids don’t have a relationship with their father, and he doesn’t pay child support.

    OOP responds to a downvoted comment on having a 14 years old daughter at his age

    OOP: I was raped. I didn’t willingly have a kid, I don’t appreciate that comment. My daughter is my world and I had a conversation with her about relationships and everything, I trust her, and I’ll support her through everything.

    Is OOP expected to pay for his fiancée’s children’s colleges?

    OOP: Me paying for their college has never been discussed. If I was expected to pay for their college I would refuse. I make a lot of money, but not enough to put all three of her kids fully through college. They’d have to get jobs. I can only fully cover one kid’s college, and that will be my daughter’s.

    Does OOP own his home?

    OOP: Yes, my home and cars are under my name and my name only.

    Commenter 5: NTA- Your Gf has a problem with your daughter and she is trying to use you as a proxie for her jealousy. She didn’t care if her kids got anything, she was just pissed that you did something special for your daughter. Think about it, she didn’t get jealous until your daughter became a teenager, is your daughter a real pretty girl? It sounds sick but she is a pretty woman in your life and she has no control over it.

    OOP: I didn’t think of it that way. My daughter is pretty popular at school, she’s got friends, she’s an amazing athlete and outgoing, she has a boyfriend who’s also popular and athletic. She’s pretty, but I never thought a grown woman would harbor jealousy over my own daughter because of her social status at school.

    Does OOP’s fiancée work?

    OOP: she always has been getting money from her parents, they’re well off and have always helped her out with rent, housing, food, insurance payments, bills, etc. right before the pandemic hit, she wanted to move in with me to spend more time with me.

    • Spacehooks@reddthat.comMEnglish
      1·
      2 days ago

      Update #1 - AITAH for buying my daughter a gift when I didn’t buy my fiance’s kids one?: October 8, 2023 (next day)

      I made a post yesterday asking if I was the AH because I didn’t buy my fiance’s kids a gift, but I bought my daughter one. I wanted to thank everyone for the positive feedback, and the kind support as well as the helpful advice I’ve gotten. A lot of people asked for an update after I have talked to fiancé, so here you go.

      She came back at 12 in the morning alone, she said she left the boys at her parent’s place because she doesn’t, in her words, “want them in the presence of a man who won’t provide for them.” I sat her down and talked to her about a lot of things and a lot of you were right, this is not the woman I want to marry.

      When I first brought up how she doesn’t bring anything to the table when I pay for everything, she didn’t want to talk about it and kept dodging the subject. I brought up how unfair it was of her to expect me to provide for her and her children when she doesn’t do anything for my daughter and the bare minimal for me. She doesn’t do house chores, she doesn’t pay bills (except her and her daughter’s car payments and car insurance), and she spends minimal time with both me and my daughter. Fiance didn’t say anything.

      Then I talked about the financial and emotional abuse, she freaked the fuck out. She started yelling about how it was my job as the man to provide for her and her kids, when I make so much more than her and they have no father figure. I’m all they had and she kept bringing that up as an excuse for her behavior towards my money and how I spent it on my daughter. When I asked her what she expected me to do about my will or a prenup she told me that any good husband would put his wife above everyone else. She had been banking on me giving her everything I had for over a year at this point.

      I don’t like yelling at all but I was at my breaking point with her at this point, we yelled at each other a lot. It’s not my finest moment and I’m ashamed but I realized that I let so much happen and my daughter suffered as a result of it. I told her about her neglect towards my child and I will not tolerate it any longer. She is my number one priority over everyone else and always will be. I don’t think fiancé believed me when I said that but I guess she realized I was serious when I told her to start packing.

      I’m done being an ATM for that lady, and it’s crazy to think how strangers on an app made me realize how I was stuck in such a toxic, manipulative, and abusive relationship with her. My (now ex) fiancé won’t be a problem anymore, I hope.

      I don’t think I’ll be with another person for a long time, but thank you to everyone for the support and kindness.

      EDIT: My ex’s daughter will be staying with me and I will financially support her through college, and I will also help her get her own place. Her and I are on good terms and I want to make sure my ex will not be using her as a token to manipulate me any further.

      Relevant Comments

      Commenter 1: Did she change her tune after you told her to pack, any apologies? Or did she just leave bitterly?

      OOP: She started crying and begging me to let her stay, no apologies though. I felt bad because she kept saying I was leaving her poor and defenseless and now she has to stay with her parents.

      Commenter 2: So happy for you and your daughter to be rid of that toxic person. Most of the time it takes another person to point out something that you don’t see. That’s when you start to see that person in a new light. Rose colored glasses for sure.

      Will you still try having a relationship with her daughter? Sounded like you, your daughter and her got along well. Sad her boys didn’t even attempt to play nice with you even after all you did for them. I bet their mother was manipulating them so you couldn’t have one. God forbid they like you more then her!

      OOP: Since her daughter is a legal adult, my ex doesn’t have a say in where she lives. Her daughter will continue to live with me until she’s able to get herself her own apartment but she still has contact with her mom.

      Commenter 3: I may of come across as quite harsh yesterday but my intentions was to try and make you see how bad it actually was for your daughter and how much you was manipulated well done for putting your daughter above all. DO NOT let her friends and family bully you into taking her back good luck and protect yourself and your kid.

      OOP: your comment stood out to me because it addressed the reason why my daughter might not be telling me what really goes on when she’s alone with my ex. I plan to talk to her later today when I pick her up from her boyfriend’s house. I received a lot of harsh comments but I realize now it was necessary, I don’t think I would have been able to leave my ex if people on the outside were nice to me about it.

      Commenter 4: Bravo for tossing this gold digger out. Bravo for choosing your daughter.

      She left. The trash took itself out. And I think it may well be apparent why the first marriage failed on her part. just hope she isn’t knocked up. And if you do hear anything about it make sure there’s a paternity test. I just hope not because you will end up chained to this woman for a long time.

      OOP: I got a vasectomy as soon as I turned 18. I mentioned this before, but both our sex drives were low and mine was even lower so our sex life was pretty nonexistent. If she showed up on my doorstep claiming she was pregnant she would need to have some proof that its mine or I’d get a paternity and DNA test done.

      • Spacehooks@reddthat.comMEnglish
        1·
        2 days ago

        ----OLD NEW UPDATE---- Editor’s note: the latest update is nearly two years old, and it has not been posted onto the sub

        Update #2: October 20, 2023 (12 days later)

        I wanted to make a post to say a few things, mostly to answer some questions and also because I saw my posts get reposted in a few subreddits and they have gained lots of popularity.

        I just want to start off by saying thank you so much to everyone for the kind words. Your support means so much to me and I truly am grateful for the community here, y’all have opened my eyes and have helped me a ton. Of course there’s the other side of the coin where I got some hate, a few comments of claiming my life is fake and bullshit, and then some weirdo in my messages asked me for pictures of my daughter’s feet. It’s not worth my time to focus on the bad side, but regardless, thank you to everyone for your input. All of it. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

        A popular question I have seen get asked around is how the hell I got multiple pairs of shoes for 300. The answer is simple, discounts! A good friend of mine owns an athletic shoe store downtown so I went there. Got a discount because she goes to the local high school and because she’s on the team… also because he’s my friend. I’m eternally grateful for him, he’s done me real good.

        On the topic of shoes, many people have asked me why I have gotten my daughter track shoes now even though it’s cross country season. The answer to that is also really simple, I won’t be here. I leave for a work trip when her season starts so in my mind, it made sense for me to buy her all the gear she needs now while I’m still here. Though I suppose it doesn’t matter much now because her season is quite literally about to end, and then indoor track season starts shortly after.

        My daughter and I are fine, I got her into therapy and I think it really helps her. Ex’s daughter is also fine, I offered to get her into therapy too but she said she’d handle it on her own time so I figured I’d just let her handle it on her own. She’s an adult and I now recognize that she’s capable of being responsible with her mental health, and recognizing when she needs to get help. Both girls know they can come to me whenever, wherever, for whatever. I did get security cameras installed and nothing has happened, it’s been peaceful.

        Also to answer another common question, yes I became a parent at 16. It was not my choice but I’m glad something good came out of that situation. I work in a chemical plant and I’ve been working there since I was 19. I got extremely lucky with this job because, truth be told, I didn’t even go to college. I’m grateful for the opportunities I have had to be working in a good paying job with just a high school diploma.

        Thank you again to everyone’s support!

        Relevant Comments

        Commenter 1: Good to hear your daughter is in therapy and doing well! Any update on ex after she you broke up with her? Did she try and pull any gold-digger stunts or she leave peacefully to her parents?

        OOP: Nope, its been peaceful.

        Commenter 2: When did the ex move out? How did that end? so happy to see you and the girls doing good!

        OOP: I kicked her out last week, as you can imagine, she was definitely not happy with that

        Commenter 3: Good on you OP! You are a great dad and step dad! What was your step daughters relationship like with her mother? It’s interesting she chose to stay with you and the boys go. Did she favour the boys and treat them differently?

        OOP: from what I can tell, she actually favored her I think because she’s the oldest and is her first born. she did baby and coddle the two boys a lot though, especially the 13 year old.

        Commenter 4: Have you tried reaching out to the sons? Sucks that they are the ones caught in the crossfire here. I guess there isn’t much you can do if they don’t want a relationship, but it sounds like they need a good parent (and probably therapy) more than anyone. well other than your ex of course.

        OOP: I have not tried reaching out, I don’t have their numbers anymore and I don’t want to contact their mom for any reason.

        DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

        THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP