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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2025-10-09 04:02:02+00:00.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/oldaunthelp

My [66M] wife [61F] is taking care of her aunt [86F] and it is killing our marriage.

TRIGGER WARNING: mental health problems, controlling behavior, struggles with old age

MOOD SPOILER: Frustrating but ultimately positive

Original Post Nov 28, 2016

My daughter uses Reddit and is helping me type this today. I am at loss in what to do in this situation.

My wife’s aunt became a window two years ago. She came to live with us because she was afraid of staying alone. Since we had extra rooms and that she was perfectly healthy and fine, we decided it was okay to let her stay with us.

Over time she grew more and more attached to my wife. She wouldn’t want her to go to work because she’d miss her, she didn’t want her to go shopping because it was always too long, she would follow her to parties and events even if she didn’t want to go because she didn’t want to be without her. I told my wife that it was becoming unhealthy and that her aunt should talk more to her friends and try to meet with them ( she has a couple friends around her age). My wife always told me that I was exaggerating and that there was nothing wrong.

Recently, 6 months ago or so, the aunt caught a bronchitis and then another viral infection and some type of spine pain. She became very dependent on us to move her. That’s when things started going really bad. She required my wife’s attention almost 24/7 and would cry when my wife wasn’t around. She wanted my wife to sleep next to her, feed her, talk to her constantly, not go out, not go to work, etc.

After a week I complained to my wife about not spending any time with her and that her aunt was taking ALL of her. My wife dismissed my worries and told me that she would get better soon. After two months of her aunt acting like a baby and constantly complaining about pain, I suggested we go consult. The doctor said she was perfectly fine, nothing wrong. We had trouble believing it so we consulted different specialists and they ultimately said that if she keeps up her good health, she’d could live another 10-15 years. We met with a psychologist and he said that the aunt needs more tests to determine what she has but that my wife and I clearly need to focus on us and not her her aunt affect our marriage.

Since I am retired, I told my wife that we should finally go take THE vacations we always wanted. I booked tickets to go on a cruise around Alaska. I even planned everything and asked my daughter [35F] to take care of her aunt. A week before going, I couldn’t keep the secret anymore and told my wife what I had done. My wife was clearly happy and amazed. I finally thought we could have some alone good time. When she let her aunt know later that night it was a major catastrophe. The aunt cried, threw tantrums, called all her friends to let her know how awful we were to leave her “alone”, she even threw herself on the ground.

I told my wife it was time to put her in a home for elders and that she couldn’t stay with us anymore. My wife refused. She said she wasn’t going to abandon her and that it’s hard to be old. She also cancelled our vacations and said she’s sure I’d understand. It hurt me, a lot. I did end up going with my daughter instead and we had a great time, but that’s besides the point.

Now, we are selling our house. It’s too big for us. The aunt has a say in all this… She requires a room with specific details such as dimensions, views, number of stairs to come into the house, etc. My wife is actually listening to her and it is making me more and more unhappy. I retired to spend time with her, our kids and our grandkids but it feels like she’s only spending time with her aunt.

We are in couple counselling, it is not helping us, I have been married to her for almost 45 years, I don’t want to give her an ultimatum as she is the love of my life and I certainly don’t ever want to be without her. I just want to spend quality time with her.

tl;dr: My wife’s aunt is living with us, she grew attached to my wife and doesn’t want to let her go anywhere including on vacation with me. My wife sides with her.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

PETE_TRON

Is your wife willing to ruin your retirement and marriage for her aunt? You need to issue the ultimatum as this isn’t fair to you or her. Would getting professional care to look after her in your home be an option, instead of sending her to a nursing home?

OOP

We found this lovely lady who would come and take care of the aunt a couple hours a day. She speaks the same language and is has over 25 years of experience. My wife refused saying she is a stranger and that if we need to pay someone then we should do it ourselves and keep the money.

~

stuckhans

I would just start taking the trips without her. Maybe she’ll notice.

OOP

I took that trip without her. It was her dream trip. She did say that she wished she could have gone but that was it. I think she feels like her aunt is her duty, kind of like when you have children.

~

jpallan

Is your wife of another ethnic or cultural background? Sometimes, that plays into the situation. And if her family, speaking the non-local language, is used to relying upon one another, going to an outsider might seem even more difficult, no matter how qualified and caring.

I’m in my thirties and my husband and I are caring for my aged widowed father in conjunction with all of my four siblings and paid caretakers, by switching off days and weekends. It’s really hard stuff and very frustrating.

You don’t mention where you’re from (though since you mentioned cruising Alaska I’m guessing you’re in North America), but in the States, if someone is still competent to make their own decisions, i.e. doesn’t have dementia, you can’t put them in care against their will. It complicates things.

You’ve been married to your wife for a very long time, so I would reach out to her and tell her that you want to make this situation as easy as possible for her, for the aunt, and for you. Find out the elder care laws. Find out what the requirements are to keep the aunt in her own home or yours. There are charitable groups that will do regular visits or agencies to offer respite care. There are adult daycare centers.

I don’t know what the compromise is here. My husband and I don’t, either.

OOP

You’re right. My wife used to take care of her mom who took care of her mom… It seems to be very cultural. The aunt has been living in America for 50 years but never did any effort to learn English, she only speaks her native language which really complicates things.

Update Dec 23, 2016 (1 month later)

Something completely magical happened. My wife and I were looking at a house we both actually love. It has every single thing we waned in our retirement home and it’s close to everything that we need. We were thrilled and when she told her aunt and showed her the pictures of the house her aunt laughed and said “You can’t buy that, it has stairs! I can’t go up and down the stairs!”

Something clicked in my wife’s mind. She simply said to her aunt, it’s the house that my husband and I like and the fact that it has some stairs that you are healthy enough to go up and down on won’t stop us. Her aunt cried and cried. We called our (new) therapist which suggested that we treat her like a child, check on her every 15 minutes but not give in. We did that and she got over it by the next morning.

My wife also got more “tough love” with her aunt and whenever she’ll complain about stuff my wife knows are unreal my wife dismisses it politely.

Things aren’t 100% perfect, the new therapist helped my wife a lot, she mainly focused on her and why my wife was feeling the almost nurturing need to be there for her aunt.

Thank you /r/relationships for the advice, changing therapists was a great idea, I don’t know if I have had the courage to just follow through without you but I did the very next day.

tl;dr: Changed therapist, wife realized a lot of things about herself and is now less worried about her aunt and more focused on us.

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