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The original was posted on /r/autism by /u/Ahelene_ on 2025-10-19 11:44:49+00:00.

Being autistic and self aware is a fucking mess. I can wear makeup, do skincare, take care of my body, dress nice and look attractive, I can do fine socially for small bursts, i can appear well, but theres always this nagging feeling in the back of my head, this dread that people can look right through me and see what a mess I am. Theres always this terrible dread before I do anything social, and this horrible anxiety and rumination afterwards. And even why I try my best, I’m often seen as either awkward or a bitch, and even when people see me in a good light, I always fear when the other shoe will drop.

I always feel like I’m looking at people through a glass wall, like I can talk to them and participate somewhat, but it’s like I’m not really there.

I dont enjoy parties, and those are the main way to have a social life, everyone my age parties often, everyone in my life enjoys them, and i just dont. It always something I dead, something I just have to get through.

im so tired all the time, I have a hard time just doing stuff, I’m somewhat smart and get decent grades (when I’m not burned out), but I get burned out sooo fast, I can’t do as much as everyone else. Just keeping up with daily life - cleaning, groceries, assignments, exercise, hygiene, nutrition - is soooo tiring, and I only attend school 4 hours a day!!!

I can’t even imagine what it would be like if I had a full time job, relationship or kids. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to have a family of my own.

On top of all of that, I see the way people talk about autism and autistic people, it makes me nauseous. It like the average person either think autistic people are A: severely intellectually disabled, B: emotionless selfish sociopaths or C: severely isolated deviants. I cant share my struggles without the fear of people suddenly viewing me in one of those ways.

I had a very bad burnout at 15, wherein I tried to take my own life. Like if I couldn’t even handle life back then, how will I ever get to handle a normal adult life.

I just feel like a failure. I don’t wanna be here anymore.