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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/jobhateaita on 2023-09-08 18:02:46.

My wife (37F) and I (38M) have been married for 12 years and have 3 kids (10, 8, & 6). During the pandemic, my wife’s job allowed her to switch to 100% WFH. They never required her to go back to the office because her productivity actually increased so there was no need. It made things easier for us too. I dropped the kids off at school/daycare in the morning and she picked them up in the afternoon. She was able to keep up with a few things around the house during the day, we saved on gas and car maintenance, etc.

A few months ago, she was contacted by a recruiter about a job. It would be a nice step up in her career path as well as a boost in pay. But there were drawbacks. The company had no WFH policy and would require her to work in the office. This was apparently non-negotiable. It would also be a 45-minute commute for her.

We talked it over a lot and I expressed my concerns about how this would impact our daily lives. I told her that I don’t necessarily think that the bump in pay is worth the major changes to our daily lives. Not to mention the stress that a long commute can have on people and that could impact their mood and how they interact at home.

She assured me that everything would be fine and that we would adjust as a family and soon the new routine would just become our new normal. I told her that I would never tell her NOT to take the job, but I just don’t know if it is worth the changes that it is going to bring. Ultimately, the decision was hers and she accepted the new job. She’s been there for about 10 weeks now.

To say it has been an adjustment is an understatement. She wakes up and leaves before the kids even get up. She’ll help get a few things ready for them before she goes, but the entire morning kid routine is on me. I also do both drop-off and pick-up for all the kids too. Evenings have been a huge mess because I get home and try to get the kids distracted while I start dinner. When my wife gets home, she is usually stressed from the drive (her commute has turned into over an hour due to construction and traffic) and takes 15 minutes for herself to calm down before eating alone. Then, after dinner she’s going to bed earlier because she has to wake up earlier.

I told her that I feel her new job has put an unfair amount of household and childcare duties on me and that she is being far less present in our lives when she’s home. She told me that we just need to give it more time to adjust and things will get easier. I told her that 10-weeks is a pretty good adjustment period and I hate it so far. She told me I’m being an unsupportive jerk and I need to give it more time.

EDIT: I don’t have the emotional bandwidth right now to deal with the huge amount of sexist BS I’m getting here. Those kind of responses are why men don’t open up when they feel EXACTLY like I do right now and just bottle this up. I have to get ready to pick up my kids. They’re getting happy meals tonight because f*&^ it.