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The original was posted on /r/autism by /u/sawsxxsaws on 2025-10-23 07:23:03+00:00.

Hello everybody,

Me (f 33) and my partner (m 36) have a very strong and loving relationship. He’s the most reliable, attentive and caring person I know. I feel lucky to have him in my life. There’s only one area where we often clash: when I need more emotional understanding from him.

I have ADHD, and I often experience emotions very strongly. For me, emotions don’t have to be based on logic or facts. They can just exist. For him, that seems very hard to understand. When my emotions don’t match something concrete or factual, he becomes very frustrated. It’s hard for him to accept that emotions can be irrational and still be real and valid.

We recently had another big fight about this. We both agreed we want to make a real change so we don’t keep repeating the same pattern.

I’ve suspected for a while that he might be on the autism spectrum. This became clearer after my ADHD diagnosis, because I started noticing how many traits we share that can overlap with autism.

Some examples:

• He has strong sensory and sound sensitivities.
• After conflict, he needs quiet and space to calm down.
• He can be very social but then needs alone time to recharge.
• When he says something, he means it literally and expects it to stay true. For example, when I ask, “Do you love me?” he gets confused and irritated. In his view, he already told me, and nothing has changed.
• He thrives on predictability and calm.
• He can hyperfocus on things he enjoys.
• He often doesn’t notice emotional cues that seem obvious/ “social standards”.
• Emotions has to equal facts

Because of this, I’ve adapted by expressing my needs very clearly and directly. I explain exactly what kind of comfort I need. This helps us communicate better. But sometimes it also feels emotionally heavy, because certain things seem intuitive to me. For example, when I cry, I want him to come and hug me. But instead, he sometimes stands at a distance and doesn’t know what to do.

I want to talk to him about this because I can see that he struggles to make sense of some of his experiences. Recently, he had his first panic attack and at least two meltdowns. I can tell he doesn’t always understand why these things happen, and it frustrates him.

When I was diagnosed with ADHD, it helped me a lot. I understood myself better, felt validated, and developed more self-compassion. I wonder if talking about this could give him a similar sense of clarity and understanding.

For those who were diagnosed with autism as adults:

– Did someone else mention it to you first, or did you realize it on your own?

– How did they approach the topic with you?

– How can I bring this up gently and respectfully with him?