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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2025-11-02 04:04:07+00:00.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRANdGhostingAdv

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

My (38/F) ex-fiance ghosted me (39/M) before our wedding. It’s been 16 years and now she wants to talk it over again. Should we reopen closed wounds?

Trigger Warnings: emotional abuse, manipulation, bullying, controlling behavior, mental health struggles, golden child syndrome, mentions of self-harm

Mood Spoilers: sad

Original Post: April 11, 2020

I was never given an explanation. She just left and told nobody. It was literally right before our big wedding ceremony. She didn’t leave a note, nothing, just left. Even her family were left baffled. She just up and left. We had dated all through HS and all through College.

She eventually returned but, not too me. I had to learn via third party (her Parents) she had no intentions of coming home. She wanted nothing to do with me and told her Parents to avoid having me around. I never got a choice in the matter. I respected her wishes. I never understood why she did it. My only guess was she had a mental breakdown because, she cut off all contact with everyone. We were both young and still growing. I don’t know but, I’ve struggled with it since.

Out of the blue she DM’s me on Facebook after all these years and wants to meet up. I’m an influx of emotions right now. Angry, nervous, hopeful, sad. I…I still have feelings for her. I don’t know if I could take her back. But, looking at her Facebook makes me miss her. She’s even better looking then she was before and SINGLE.

I’m conflicted. She won’t talk about anything as to why she left. She said it’s best to do so in person. The only thing I can tell is from her facebook is a bunch of stuff about her being weak and living a life full of shame and regret and being lonely. This is dumb. She ghosted me and I should wnat nothing to do with her but, damnit i still have feelings for her… I never stopped thinking about her.

What should I do? Ghost her in return? Call her out? See where this “date” takes us?

tl;dr Ex-fiancé DMed me on Facebook wanting to meet up for a “date”. I haven’t spoken to her in 15+ years.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: First off, damn OP that’s rough.

16 years is a long time, would meeting up with her set you back in the time you’ve spent getting over this or will it give you the closer you never found?

OOP: I don’t know. I just want closure. For the longest time I thought she had cheated on me. But, the only things i’ve been told from her Family and the few friends she didn’t cut off…it more like a mental breakdown. I know she was scared to death about the wedding and her looming finals and her career. She was beyond stressed. She ghosted everyone. She gradually came back but, I was never involved.

I have never stopped thinking of her…

Update: April 13, 2020 (two days later)

Well, that was something. I got closure at least.

We met at a cafe and sat and talked outside. The first thing I noticed was how badly scarred her arms were and how much pain was in her face. Long story short she wanted to break up long before the wedding, she was too weak and cowardly to speak up for herself. She had a complete nervous breakdown over everything. She had been tired of being forced into doing things she never wanted to do and never having the guts to stand up for herself. She was mad at her family pressuring her to get married and pump out kids, she was mad at them forcing her into a degree that she didn’t want, she was mad herself for not being able to speak up. Nothing she did was justified which we agreed on.

When I first proposed to her I did it in a public area. I had put her on the spot and she wanted to say no but, she couldn’t bare to see me hurt. She was right. I made all the choices for her. I was a very different person back then and she was very “meek” as in she just went with the flow and had no backbone. I drowned her voice out often and often never gave her the chance to grow to be a person. Back then I was often focused only on myself.

Well, everything came to a climax and she had a complete mental breakdown. She ran way from her problems at the beheast of her best Friend and only person in the world she ever trusted. As she said it’s the only thing she knows how to do: run. She never had the spine to speak up.

Her life just spiraled downwards. She did a few years homeless after her bestfriends husband kicked her to the curb. The rest of that time was spent in Prison, which she didn’t specify what she did. She was released about a year ago and has been turning her life around. She has a job, she’s reconnected with her parents and she’s finally reconnecting with me. She never stopped trying to get in touch with me.

As for our future. We have none. We both agreed to end things and go our separate ways. We both are changed, two different people. We have nothing in common and don’t live near each other. She doesn’t justify what she did nor does she want to be forgiven. She thinks its repulsive and is ashamed of her actions. I wanted to be angry but, i couldn’t. I just forgave her. With that we shook hands said our goodbyes and that will likely be the last time we ever see one another.

It’s bittersweet. I got the closure I wanted. We both did. It feels like a burden was released. I know now we never had a future together and never will. But, on the other I’m sad because it’s over. All these years maybe hoping something would happen were for naught. But, in the end this is an ending and I finally have closure. Not many get to say that.

Do I believe her story? Yes, I do and even if she’s full of shit at this point does it even matter? I’ve always known her to be very weak willed, meek. She often just does what everyone tells her to do and often runs when things get too difficult. She avoids her problems because was too weak to stand up to them. I mean it makes sense why her family would not talk to me about her. They were the typical tiger parents that disowned their problem child.

tl;dr Alls well that ends well. Our relation has finally come to an end and we can move on.

Final Comments

One commenter putting a lot of blame on the friend

OOP: Her friend was an enabler. We all were. Her friend was the one who encouraged her to run. Of course nobody forced her too. It was all her. If I hadn’t ignored her problems, if I actually had been apart of her life I might have seen. It is what is though.

OOP when asked how the met during the pandemic and the public proposal

OOP: It’s semi-open. We ordered take out. We sat in the parking lot. Not ideal but, so be it.

and the public proposal

OOP: “The proposal shouldn’t be the suprise when it happens should. You should know 100% before you do it, as in discussed it is what both of you want at some point. Dropping it at random does put a huge amount of pressure on the other person if they’re not quite there.”

Truth is she was right. I dropped the proposal on her on purpose in public to ensure she wouldn’t say no. I was only thinking about myself. It never occurred to me she was unhappy, it never occurred to me she was very uncomfortable with a public proposal.

OOP when told his ex was bullied by a lot of people leading to the jilting

OOP: I abused her. There I said it. I neglected her needs in favor of mine and forced into a marriage. I’m no better then her Mom and Dad really. It pisses me off all these fucking years I never realized how fucking rotten I was.

OOP answers once again on meeting during the pandemic

OOP: Because people don’t fucking read. Not every goddamn place in America is closed. They remain open but, are limiting to take out only. My state and by extension my town are not under lock-down. We’ve not had any cases here. This isn’t rocket science.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

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