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The original was posted on /r/twoxchromosomes by /u/Yellow_cupcake_ on 2023-09-09 21:52:55.

Sorry for the long post, I’m at a bit of a loss and I see others getting really good advice so I thought I would post my dilemma here.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years. We have moved countries together and have discussed our future together, we have talked about kids/marriage and are looking to buy an apartment together.

We have been talking about getting engaged for maybe around 9 months and about 3 months ago, I told him I was ready but there was no rush and I wasn’t expecting him to do it if he wasn’t ready.

When we are discussing getting engaged, I have made it clear that I would like a certain type of ring that realistically would cost around $2,500-$3,000. We both have good jobs in a similar field, our own investment portfolios and well over $100,000 in cash between us. We are in our early 30s and I know that we are in a very good financial position bur we both made sacrifices over the last few years to get us into this position (no family money, we did this ourselves). He has never bought me a sizeable gift before, in fact he is pretty bad at buying gifts but I really try not to hold that against him. I regularly put more effort and money into gifts than he does.

When we talk about the ring, he always jokingly brings up that the ring is crazy expensive, that he wants to get me a wooden ring and that he would rather put that money towards a nice car. I jokingly bring up the gender pay gap and how when I was in a more senior position, he still got paid more than me and this ring is less than the difference in what we earned in one year. This is always jokingly and has never turned into an argument or sour conversation, I never thought of it as a massive deal.

One of my friends recently got engaged so I asked my boyfriend tongue in cheek when it would be my turn. He told me he had been thinking about it and I stressed that there was no pressure.

A few weeks ago, he was going over his savings and portfolios and he had around $3500 extra than expected and although this is a nice surprise, it doesn’t really change our lifestyle significantly so is not needed for savings or rent or anything. I hinted to him that I knew something he could get with it (the ring) and he let out a big “oh man…” in a joking way. We talked a bit more about it and then the conversation moved on organically.

A few days later, he told me that the “big sparkly thing” that I wanted might have to wait a bit as he wants to make a sizeable donation to charity. We both regularly donate to charities, but he wanted to make this specific donation of around $1,000 dollars.

One on hand, I’m trying really hard not to be materialistic and a diva, but in the other hand I feel like he just doesn’t want to spend this money on me. I know it is a fair chunk of money but in our situation, it isn’t a life changing amount. He recently bought himself something as a spontaneous purchase that was about $1,500.

I just feel like with this ring situation and then reflecting on past birthdays and christmases, he just doesn’t want to spend money on me, which feels really upsetting. I don’t feel like I am gift/money motivated but I just feel so jealous when I see my female friends getting treated to all these gifts/vacations etc and I get none of it.

I guess I just feel confused, am I just being a splint brat or is this justified? I can’t really discuss this with friends and family as I think they would not be happy with him at all. Again, they are not money motivated either, but I guess we have similar expectations that a partner should not begrudge spending money on you. I really love him and see a future with him, but I just don’t know how to address this or if I am just being way over the top.