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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2025-11-09 05:02:06+00:00.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/IAmHerdingCatz

Originally posted to r/weddingdrama

Is it me, or is this problematic?

Mood Spoilers: appalling, funny

Original Post: October 18, 2025

So anyway, here’s the original post:

First, I’d like to say that if I’m wrong, I’ll accept it. I’m older, and I know that a lot has changed, even from a few years ago when I got hitched.

Here’s the issue:

My husband’s niece is getting married, and I just learned this 3 days ago. The wedding is on October 31st.

We did not receive an invitation, a text message, a FB or Instagram message, nothing. We heard about it when my partner’s parents were here for dinner.

The wedding is at 0830 AM in a town 2 hours from here. The family has rented a huge Air B&B with only 2 bathrooms for the bride, groom, wedding party, and family. We would be sleeping on the sofa. The mother of the bride is offended when I said I’d be getting a hotel (if I go. I mean, we haven’t been invited at this point.)

Partner called mother of the bride (his sister). She says there’s no dress except “Dark Academia” costumes. I own nothing in this aesthetic that fits these days and it’s a little late to buy anything.

The venue the couple has chosen DOES NOT ALLOW WEDDINGS, so they have booked it for a “business meeting,” even though the bride will show up in long white wedding gown. There’s a very real possibility of the entire event getting kicked out of the venue, and the family thinks that would be absolutely hysterically funny.

Am I the crazy one? I don’t want any part of this and can think of a dozen things I’d rather do on Halloween than get up early in the morning and get kicked out of a venue. We technically have not received an invite, but the bride’s mother was clear that she’ll be offended if we don’t attend.

I can sit this one out, right?

Edit: I just woke up and am a little overwhelmed at how many replies I have. I oromise I will read them all–after coffee.

Briefly, though–the question was "does this count as an invitation. The overwhelming response is that, even with fairly relaxed rukes arund these things, it doesn’t, and that’s a huge relief to me.

Secon, several people have asked how my husband feels about this. He seems to think it’s perfectly normal. He absolutely lans to attend.

And finally, for the person who said I’m expressing obvious “disdain” for the couple–that’s not true. I barely know them. I’ve no problem with a wedding that wants people to come in coatume, and if my brief google search is any indication it’s a look I could really get behind. But not in a week and a half. And less you doubt that, hubby’s niece attended my wedding in a very cute steampunk/burlesque outfit, and my 80 year old dad wore his old bagpiper’s regalia when he walked me down the aisle.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You haven’t been invited? Definitely. If you do get an invitation, just say you already have plans. It’s less than two weeks away.

OOP: It feels so haphazard. Supposedly, today’s phone call “counts” as an invite, but I’m super disinclined. The mother of the bride isn’t the bride, last I heard.

Commenter 2: If you don’t want to go, can I?

I don’t know what dark academia is as a dress code but I doubt it’s business casual so how are they going to sneak the wedding party into the non-wedding venue?

Serious answer - you haven’t been invited so no, don’t make plans to go. Or do and live post everything.

OOP: She’s going to wear a legit wedding gown! Does she think no one will notice, I wonder? Also, the bride is painfully shy, so I’m confused why she would want this.

Commenter 2: Does she want this? Does she even know? Sounds like her mum/family are the ones doing the planning

OOP: She’s a remarkably passive person and her mom is…not. I don’t know if she’s even capable of saying what she wants or needs. She’s super shy, so I could see her just going along to “keep the peace,” then having a miserable time at her own wedding.

Or, I could be projecting how I would feel.

Commenter 3: I mean… you aren’t actually invited.

You are hearing details from everyone else who assumes you are… but no invite from the Bride and Groom.

I think that gives you an out.

I’d say, directly to the bride and groom, not continuing the game of telephone with other people. (And bypassing the drama)

"I’m so sorry. I never got an official invite, so I assumed you were keeping it small, like lots of couples do now and didn’t think twice about it. I only knew I was invited after “phone call date” and, unfortunately have a conflict I cannot get away from. I’m so sorry to miss it. I can’t wait to catch up and see all the photos. "

I’d then send a gift and heartfelt card and happily sit it out.

OOP: Thank you. It’s where I’m leaning. I could sleep in, read a book, hand out candy.

Commenter 4: This is insane enough that I’m torn between “go just to see the chaos unfold” and “do not even dignify this with a response, let alone consider going.” With that said though, I’m really curious to hear what your husband thinks since it’s his family. Is he planning to go? Or is this entirely up to you? Does he also think this is crazy?

OOP: They are all acting as if this is totally normal. But he says that his sister (mother of bride) also had a ton of drama surrounding her wedding. So maybe they thrive on the chaos. He is definitely going, with or without an invite. I’m leaning towards a peaceful weekend with my cats, and everyone here us 100% validating me!

Commenter 5: Everything about this “wedding” sounds nuts. I’d pass. There is no way the venue is going to allow that if they have explicitly stated no weddings.

OOP: For me, thats the worst part. It feels incredibly disrespectful and entitled.

What is Dark Academia?

OOP: I googled it, and it’s sort of goth meets British school. I’m older, so i guess dressing like I was Wednesday Addams’ teacher.

Update: November 2, 2025 (a bit over two weeks later)

Update to “Is it me, or is this problematic?”

Here is a link to my previous post: https://www.reddit.com/r/weddingdrama/s/pCboB6tLme

First, you’ll have to understand that this is taking place through the lens of my husband, who thinks weddings are boring and that his mother and sister can do no wrong.

I am at the age where an appointment with one’s cardiologist takes precedence over nearly anything else. I kept that appointment.

Mother-of-the-bride called at about noon on the 30th to ask if we would be attending the rehearsal dinner. We didn’t know there was one. Husband decided to drop everything and go. The family had not selected a restaurant, nor made reservations. They all ended up driving from place to place until they found somewhere able to seat 12 plus a baby, and they ended up at what I consider one of the worst restaurants on the Oregon Coast.

After dinner, MOB and Grandma-of-Bride were affronted that husband had booked a hotel, rather than staying at the air bnb they had booked–where he would have had to sleep on the couch and share a bathroom with 12 other people. (I had a BLT for dinner and watched 2 episodes of Slow Horses with my cat. Very nice.)

Halloween, the entire wedding party and entourage had to get up ungodly early for their “meeting,” which was reserved for 0800-1000. It was raining–hard–and the entire party got soaked just getting from the parking lot to the car. There was a total of 14 people there for the “meeting,” including the baby–which cried the whole time and was not taken out to the hallway.

The bride wore a tea length black dress, the groom wore a shirt with a collar and chinos. Most guests did not do anything like “Dark Academia.” I think that’s unfortunate, because the bride really wanted that. However, with the short notice, and with the average age of guests being well over 60, I’m not surprised. (Love the look. I think I could really get into it.)

The ceremony was brief and was followed by a buffet breakfast. Staff at the venue were extremely polite, but afterward the groom was pulled aside and cordially invited to never come back, as was the MOB. Only problematic because the groom would really, really like to work there someday.

(I did my cardio appointment, and had a pleasant lunch in “war-ravaged” Portland with a friend, )

Overall, it sounds like everything went as smoothly as could be expected. While I absolutely love weddings, I’m glad I sat this one out.

We never received an invitation. MOB and Grandma of the bride are offended I wasn’t there, but I think that’s a “them” problem, not a “me” problem.

Thank you all for your lively, scathing, and witty responses to my original post.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: This story feels so Oregon! It’s like I can imagine a lot of people I know doing shit like this, I mean I kind of did a last minute wedding too but I didn’t invite anyone 😂

Glad you had a good time!

OOP: So Oregon

Commenter 2: Oh, I bet that BLT was delicious. The rest of the story is, too.

Now I’…

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