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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2025-11-09 05:04:06+00:00.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/WhiteishLlama

Originally posted to r/Advice

Old fling from 2010 added me on Facebook and I think her 15-year-old might be my kid.

Trigger Warnings: hostile workplace, mental health struggles, infertility struggles

Original Post: October 31, 2025

Back in 2010, I was 20, working a retail job with a girl around my age. We were friends, hung out after work a few times, and one night things got physical. It was a one-time thing. A few days later she got fired, not because of me, just workplace drama, and after that she completely disappeared. Never returned calls, never answered texts, nothing. I figured she just wanted to move on. Life went on for me too.

Fast forward to now. I’m 35, married for eight years, no kids. Yesterday, I get a Facebook friend request from her out of nowhere. I haven’t thought about this woman in over a decade. Out of curiosity, I check her profile. She has a son who just turned 15.

Here’s the thing. The kid looks exactly like me when I was that age. Same hair color, same nose, same build, even the same smile (gap in our front teeth) I used to hate in photos. I showed my brother without saying anything and he said, “Dude, that looks like you in middle school.”

It also appears she married a guy a few years after our encounter. I believe they are now divorced. He is of a different ethnicity than me. They had a few children together and the 15-year-old appears not his.

Now I’m sitting here trying to figure out what to do with this information. I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but the math lines up perfectly, and the resemblance is impossible to ignore.

To make things more difficult, my wife and I have been struggling to conceive for years. We’ve gone through tests, treatments, and a lot of disappointment. It’s been hard on both of us, and the idea that I might have a biological child out there that I never knew about is messing with my head.

My wife knows about that fling. She’s always known I wasn’t a saint before we met. But she obviously doesn’t know I might have a 15-year-old kid out there. I have no idea how to even start that conversation.

So I’ve got two problems:

1. Do I message this woman and ask straight up if her kid is mine? (she had to add me for a reason, right?);

2. and, more importantly, how do I even begin to approach the subject with my wife?

I’m not trying to blow up anyone’s life here. But if that kid is mine, I feel like I have a right to know, and he has a right to know too. I am in a position in life where I could greatly help him in the next few years (college, etc.).

On the other hand, I want to prevent causing a huge mess in my marriage.

Any direction or advice is appreciated.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: i almost would want to bring up the idea with the misses, first. then decide whether any contact about the kid is worth pursuing. i feel best to approach this, together, if you think that’s what should happen.

OOP: This is kind of where my head is at. By principle, I do not talk with other women via social or text out of respect for my wife. I would want to tie her in on the entire exchange and how to move forward.

Commenter 2: 1) No. 2) No.

If you want to walk yourself into 15 years of debt for back payments of child support, go ahead and ignore me.

Also, if you want to get a divorce, ignore me.

If you don’t want to be an idiot, don’t touch this with a 10-foot pole.

“Hey, this kid has brown hair and brown eyes, just like me.”

JUST LIKE SEVEN BILLION OTHER PEOPLE.

I’m amazed our species has survived this long with this deficit of common sense.

OOP: It was more the gap in the teeth that stood out to me. It’s genetic. My grandmother, mother, my only brother, and I have/had a gap in our two front teeth. The kid (legitimately) looks like a spitting image of me as a teenager. I understand why you would down play this, but the similarities are substantial.

Update: November 2, 2025 (two days later)

UPDATE: Reached out to the woman who might have had my child 15 years ago

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/s/15od9edWMs

I made my original post here a few days ago and wanted to follow up since a few of you requested it.

Yesterday morning, I told my wife everything. I was nervous to even start the conversation, but I knew keeping it to myself was not fair to her. This year has already been extremely hard on her with ongoing mental health struggles, and I did not want to add more weight to her shoulders, but she deserved honesty.

She took it better than I expected. She was upset but calm and said she agreed the resemblance between me and the boy was too strong to ignore (In her words, “yeah, that kid has your teeth.”) We talked for a long time and decided I should reach out again to get clarity.

Later in the day, I messaged the woman on Facebook. I kept it brief and direct. I told her that I noticed her friend request, that I was not comfortable accepting it since I am married, and asked why she reached out. I added that if there was something important she wanted to discuss, I was willing to listen, but otherwise I preferred not to reconnect.

She responded shortly after my message. She explained that back in 2010, she had been seeing an on-and-off boyfriend around the same time she and I hooked up. When she found out she was pregnant, she believed the child was likely his and told him so. They stayed together for a while, and when they split up, he continued to pay child support.

According to her, he was never really involved in the boy’s life. Out of curiosity, I looked him up. A simple Google search showed a long history of legal trouble including multiple DUIs, time in prison, and other offenses. From everything I have learned, he was not much of a father figure.

Recently, his new wife began pressing for a DNA test because the boy did not resemble him. He finally agreed, and the test confirmed he is not the biological father. That discovery set off a chain reaction. He has now filed to terminate child support and is suing to recover the money he paid over the years.

I’m an attorney. From a legal standpoint, I know that is an uphill battle for him. It is extremely difficult to recover past child support once it has been paid. Courts tend to prioritize stability for the child over fairness to the adults. Without a certain father to shift the obligation to, meaning no one else has yet been legally established as the biological father, most courts will not vacate the original paternity finding. They do not want to leave the child without a legally responsible parent, even if the prior assumption turns out to be wrong.

Long short, it appears he willingly agreed to support the child 15 years ago without a paternity finding. He should have done his due diligence then. (On top this, he currently owes her almost $23,000.00 in child support arrearages.)

In my jurisdiction, that principle holds true as well. Overturning paternity this late in the game is nearly impossible unless another father is confirmed and willing to assume legal responsibility.

The woman told me that after the DNA results came back, she thought of me immediately and said I am the only other possible father. She also said she has already told her son the truth, that the man he believed to be his father is not biologically related to him. She said it has been difficult for him to process but she felt it was time to be honest.

She has not asked me for anything. She has waited almost 6 months to reach out to me. No money, no contact, no involvement. She said she only wanted me to know and that she is open to doing a DNA test whenever I am ready.

I have already discussed this with an attorney friend who is licensed in her state. He walked me through some of my options and explained the potential legal implications depending on how things unfold. I am considering those now.

My wife and I are still processing everything. This has been a long weekend. She has been more understanding than I could have hoped for, though I can tell it weighs on her. I am trying to balance the desire to know the truth with not wanting to disrupt a teenager’s life that is already unsettled.

For now, we are taking things one step at a time. The woman seems sincere and has not shown any signs of ulterior motives.

I will keep everyone updated once I decide what to do next, but for the sake of attorney-client privilege and everyone’s privacy, I may not post another update for a while.

PS: The woman did see my original post on here. This post has been heavily edited to include only the relevant facts and to preserve attorney-client privilege. I still felt an obligation to keep you all apprised since many of you gave sincere advice and helped me think clearly when this first surfaced.

As always, any help or advice is appreciated.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: If you decide to be in his life he probably needs therapy as he has already been let down by one father figure. Introducing you is not necessarily a bad thing as long as you take your cues from him.

OOP: We are 100% pro-therapy and mental health.

Commenter 2: I…

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