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The original was posted on /r/twoxchromosomes by /u/Inevitable_Glove8929 on 2023-09-11 22:25:11.
TW- CSA
I’'ll turn 24 soon. I am a CSA victim and it messed up my notion of sex so bad that I never even touched myself down there. I have never watched porn because I get triggered. I had one long term boyfriend but our intimacy was as good as dead. It was fine in the beginning but over the years, we started making out less and less (no hugs, no kisses, makeout sessions once or twice a year) When I pestered him about making out, he said I might have some STD from my childhood abuse and that my vagina stinks. I even got tested for him but still nothing happened between us. I kept telling him that I have bodily needs and I feel really, really unloved and unattractive because of how he just wasn’t interested but he never cared. Each discussion turned into an argument. I broke up with him due to different reasons.
After my breakup, I made out with a few guys but I don’t really enjoy casual hookups. My brain goes into panic mode. Trust is extremely important for me. I’m new to the dating scene and my friends say I’m pretty naive. I trust people easily. I’ve had guys tell me they love me and disappear as soon as we hooked up. This messed up my head for the longest time. My friends decided to get me a toy and it has been so, so amazing!!! I had my first orgasm a few months ago. I’m feeling more confident about my body, I’m abandoning shame, I’m starting to love my body and I am now able to have sexual thoughts without feeling guilty about it later.
I’m writing this here today because I needed to get this off my chest. After I came today, I immediately started crying. I felt overwhelmed. A few years ago, I was this girl in love with her bf and now I’m here, alone, trying to find love. All this is very, very new to me. I’m proud of myself for how far I’ve come and I’m also happy to have come out of my she’ll but I’m still scared and I get sad at times. I still miss my boyfriend because it’s extremely hard for me to trust men. I still wonder if I did the right thing by breaking up, he was my bestfriend.