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The original was posted on /r/twoxchromosomes by /u/Key-Nowhere on 2023-09-12 02:44:31.
The term has been eye opening.
I think it is the unfortunate summary of most heterosexual relationships - certainly not all, but definitely ones I’ve read about here on Reddit and ones I’ve personally witnessed. And I realized I am experiencing it with my boyfriend.
There are a few big things I’ve been struggling with, they’ll probably sound very familiar:
- He requires a lot of hand holding with initiating household chores. He’ll complete the tasks, but guess who has to prompt him or do it herself…
- My emotional needs aren’t being met - when I try to talk about big emotions/situations (doesn’t matter if it’s related to him or not) they are met with off-topic comments. Therefore I don’t feel listened to. Therefore I don’t want to continue the conversations. Therefore I no longer share important information with him anymore. It’s all surface level.
- Because my emotional needs aren’t being met, I don’t feel particularly affectionate or sexual toward him. I’m getting my needs met elsewhere - lots of masturbation when he’s not around, and talking to friends about all of my feelings.
I came to the conclusion that he’s more of a roommate than a boyfriend. Of course, he’s oblivious to this. We’re a happy couple in his mind. Maybe we’re not a good fit and could I be happier in another relationship with someone else?
I’ve also read about people who are actively dating. They’re saying it’s rough out there. It doesn’t seem to matter which gender you’re dating, but men in particular apparently don’t bring much to the table these days.
That leads to ambivalence.
Part of me thinks I should be grateful. While my boyfriend isn’t perfect, he will do the chores when asked. He has a solid career and pays his share of the bills. He doesn’t hit me or belittle me. He makes me laugh. It could be much worse. But isn’t that him doing the bare minimum while I’m stuck with the Tolerable Level of Permanent Unhappiness? He isn’t adding joy to my life, so what do I need him for besides half of the mortgage?
The other part of me wants to be alone. I want to figure out how to dissolve my current relationship. Sell the house. Start anew as a celibate person. But life has gotten so damn expensive. Something like “just leave” isn’t so simple when combining finances ensures healthy and regular meals, living in a safe neighborhood, and having a cushion for emergencies.
What I’m trying to express is now that I know of this term, I can’t go back and pretend that everything is fine. Ignorance is bliss, while knowledge is both empowering and debilitating. I feel a need to make a choice and act, I just don’t know which one yet.