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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/cpggt on 2023-09-12 15:02:50.

I’m 52F and my partner “Daniel” is 60M. We started dating in 2014. He was divorced in 2004 and has a 23 year old daughter, “Haley”, from that marriage. I was divorced in 2009 and have 4 kids. My kids are in my home country with my ex-husband. I’m in the US with an overstayed visa but I have a decent job that pays my bills and rent, and also have enough to send to my kids.

3 years into our relationship, I started living more in his house. We would spend all the holidays together and take family trips with Haley. I brought up the marriage conversation because I do want to marry him for love but also for security and to fix my status in the country. He said he’s still processing some trauma from his divorce and he’s focused on trying to get Haley through college. He said he needs to think about it. I understood.

4 years later, Haley has graduated and I’m fully living in his house at this point. Haley has also told me she sees me as her stepmom now. I brought up marriage again but he said he’s too stressed about supporting Haley first until she has a steady job and her own place. I know he has trust issues from his previous marriage so I assured him that I wasn’t with him for his money. I pay my own bills and contribute to half of the expenses around the house. I even told him I’d be willing to sign a prenup if that’s something he would want. I also assured him that I didn’t even need a whole wedding, even a simple ceremony would be fine. He said one day but not right now. I still understood.

Last year, he got diagnosed with Stage 4 prostate cancer. He only told me and his brother about this. I went with him to all the hospital visits and treatment sessions. I told him I loved him and I’ll be there for him throughout the entire thing. But I also brought up how this would affect our future together and how he saw marriage now. I had to be honest that marriage is something I both want and need. He said he absolutely can’t even think of marriage when he’s going through this. I told him I want to be with him forever or until however long we have together but I also need that level of commitment and if he loved me, he would see how important that was to me. He said he loved me but can’t marry me right now and he doesn’t know when and if he can. I said if he still can’t after 9 years together, then no matter how much I want to stay, I will have to walk away. He looked hurt but didn’t try to stop me. So I left.

Weeks later, I tried contacting Haley if she wanted to get lunch just to catch up because I do see her as family but I got a message from Daniel telling me to stop contacting her. To my knowledge, he still hasn’t told her about his diagnosis.

AITA for bringing up marriage while he’s going through this and then leaving when he said no? I’ve been dealing with so much guilt over leaving and wondering who’s going to be there for him now.