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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/familyfosterdisaster on 2023-09-12 18:12:08.

My (31F) stepsister “Aria” (33F) has been fostering a girl called “Grace” (8F) for about a year. Aria and her husband “Dan” have been fostering with the view of someday adopting for 2 years, a decision they made when they found out Aria couldn’t have biological kids. Grace is their second placement.

Grace has behaviour problems, and we knew this in advance because Aria mentioned it but honestly I wasn’t exactly prepared. Tantrums, bullying the other children, bad language, mean to the pets at home, possessive behaviour, you name it, Grace has exhibited it. I know this can be the case with traumatised kids so we’ve tried to let a lot of things slide as Aira and Dan tried to help Grace adjust, but it’s been hard and unpleasant. We’re a close knit family so our parents, siblings and families get together most weekends, but me and our other siblings have begun to dread these encounters because it seems like we never have one event without Grace creating an issue. Even my parents have been getting fed up.

The final straw for me was last weekend. My husband and I hosted a family barbecue at our place. My daughter (6) and Grace were playing in my daughter’s playhouse until she came out upset. It turned out Grace had broken a bunch of things in the playhouse. When asked what had caused the outburst, Grace burst into tears and accused my daughter of bullying her, calling her dirty, unwanted, stupid, poor, and all sort of things which are all a lie. My daughter is six, she doesn’t have enough understanding of why those words would hurt Grace in order to use them. My daughter’s version of events is that Grace said something about the girls being cousins and my daughter said Grace isn’t her cousin because she’s not Aria and Dan’s child. I can understand how this would Upset Grace but it’s a totally different story that the one she told and no amount of hurt could excuse the destruction she caused.

I said to Aria and Dan that I wouldn’t allow Grace to visit anymore. That means someone else will have to host holidays, and we will make a decision on an ad hoc basis whether we will attend (my daughter is very upset about what happened and understandably doesn’t want to see Grace for a while). This has led to our parents saying it’s not fair that they miss out seeing their granddaughter, and that since Grace is the one who behaved poorly, Aria and Dan should bow out of future events.

Aria is saying that I am evil for forcing the rest of the family to ostracise a traumatised child, and that I need to take this all back. Dan on the other hand, is siding with me and the parents. Aria has also said this is causing issues since they were looking into adopting Grace but this whole issue has made Dan reticent since obviously they won’t be adopting her with the full support of the family. Aria is saying I’m essentially denying Grace a family, but I feel like I’m just trying to protect mine. So, am I the AH?