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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/Even_Tangerine_4201 on 2023-09-13 19:22:49.
Pretty much what the title says. My wife has always been really good about staying aware of things happening in my life that I care about and periodically checking in with me to see how they’re going. (You know - basic loving, caring partner stuff.)
I have found that showing her that same consideration does not always come naturally to me. I would say I am a fairly self-centered person. I wish that weren’t the case but in retrospect a lot of bad behavior on my part was not corrected and even enabled when I was young. By the time I realized this character flaw I was alrrady well into adulthood and I have found that old habits die hard.
I don’t think I’m THAT bad. Of course sometimes I DO remember that she was having that big meeting at work today or that her aunt was having a surgery or whatever and I ask about it over dinner. But more often than I am proud to admit I get lost in my stuff and forget about hers.
So a couple years ago I started setting reminders in my calendar so I wouldn’t forget. Needless to say I did not tell her I was doing this.
Until now it’s worked really well. Often I don’t even need the reminder - just creating it helps the event stick in my active memory.
But the other night she saw one of my reminders. (She has a potentially painful dental procedure later this week, FYI.) We both happened to be looking at something on my phone when it popped up.
Needless to say she was surprised. I had no choice but to explain the whole situation.
I wouldn’t say she thinks I’m a full-blown asshole. But she definitely found it weird and off-putting that I would need a system like that when she doesn’t and nobody else does.
I kind of agree with her. It never felt like a deep dark secret, but on the other hand there’s obviously a reason I never told her or anyone else I was doing it. Still, taking action to make sure I show consideration and concern for stuff that matters to her has to be better than continuing to forget, right?
Am I an asshole?
The reason you didn’t tell her or anybody else could be as simple as it’s inside your circle of responsibility and it’s none of their business how you maintain your social role in the world, so long as you do so.
Their “business” socially speaking is how well you play social human, ie your performance. You and she have different brains with regard to that, and you’re building a big adaptation to fit her style, which is the majority style in society.
That’s very nice of you to do. The fact that you work hard to do it, whereas most people don’t (need to but also straight up don’t) put much effort into it indicates you’re high up on the list of “how much does this person value being supportive of others?”
Your character flaws suck but you’re managing them. You should maybe have taken more care to hide the mechanism you use to manage them. After all it’s nobody else’s business and you caused all this upset by dumping your own work onto the conference room table.
People don’t like seeing “behind the curtain” of neurodivergent behavior. Or maybe character-divergent. If this were a fairytale, you’d be a “monster” who’s decided to be a good guy and he’s hiding that he’s a dragon. Then someone sees.
That’s gonna disturb the heck out of them.
But you could also just reframe it. Yeah it’s a weak point. You use your phone to help you out with it. You’re doing this to help.
Yes there’s “a reason” you chose not to tell anybody, but there are multiple things that one reason can be and not all of them imply you’re being bad.
Go easy on yourself. The system makes sense. I have birthday reminders in my calendar for close friends and even family. I don’t tell anyone about those and I wouldn’t want people to see them. But more because they’d get the wrong idea, than because I think it’s actually bad.
