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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/Tasty_Avocado1378 on 2023-09-14 17:05:01.

Long story but I’m simply out of steam and dont know what to do anymore

Important info to know beforehand, my wife cheated on me before we got married. While we were engaged she went on a “girls trip” with her friend Susan and some of susans friends. While there she disappeared from the group and ended up hooking up with some guy. I found out when she came back but forgave her and we got married about 6 months after and have been married 6 years now.

About a year ago we were having some marital difficulties, not about infedelity but about money issues and her quitting her job to chase her passion. We have 2 kids and my stress level was high before adding this to it. In the midst of all this Susan was graduating in another state and my wife wanted to be there to support her. She wanted me to go as well but I didnt think we could afford it with the kids and taking off so she offered to go by herself. I told her I didnt think it was a good idea. I also said to be honest I’m still insecure about the cheating and I didnt want her to go off alone with Susan again(Not that I blame Susan). Later she said her sister offered to go with her (I later found out she asked her sister to go not the other way around) so she thought I might feel more comfortable. I told her honestly no, it still cost money, and she disappeared from the group last time to cheat so her sister being there wouldnt exactly make me feel different.

She let it go, or so I thought, until the day before the trip when she mentioned being away. We got into an argument because she says she it was important for her and she thought I understood she was going, but mind you she never mentioned it past the last conversation, never told me she bought plane tickets, never discussed plans for the kids while she was gone, etc… So long story short she told me she didnt know how uncomfortable I was and that she would cancel the tickets and sleep at her moms that night to give me time to cool off.

When I woke up in the morning she was on a plane. That pretty much broke me and I told her she wasnt welcome back. Ever since we have been separated (not legally just living apart and splitting time with the kids). Its been months. We are in couples therapy but not making much progress, we still dont see eye to eye about the cause or solution to our issues.

Which brings us to now. Susan is getting married and has asked my wife to be a bridesmaid. Apparently she asked months ago but my wife “was scared to tell me because of how I might react” which is fair because I genuinely think that would be the straw that broke the camels back on our marriage. I told her I was absolutely against it but shes arguing that this is one of her closest friends and she needs to go. I understand but at this point our marriage is on its last legs and Its going to take a mountain to rebuild what trust there is left. On the other hand I’d literally be causing her to miss one of her oldest friends weddings,

So, AITA?