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The original was posted on /r/ask_detransition by /u/More_Sprinkles9335 on 2023-09-14 11:06:42.

Hi there!

I also asked this over in r/asktransgender, but I want to make sure I don’t just end up in an echo chamber and thought, why not ask here as well? It might provide a different outlook (maybe even a bit more critical and/or grounded), that could help make some pieces fall into place, or at the very least reframe my thinking, so, here goes:

I (31 AMAB; Europe) have AuDHD (ADHD & Autism) and have been seriously questioning my gender identity for a while now.

What I notice I struggle with though, is that I am having a tough time understanding what I am feeling, as these feelings are so very different from the usual day-to-day ‘regular’ feelings (like sadness, anger, enthusiasm), which makes it difficult to truly grasp.

Heck, for all I know, I could just be stuck ruminating.

So… I was wondering. How do you end up being able to ‘label’ your feelings and conclude you were cis, trans, nb, ?

Any tips & tricks, advice to help me better understand what I am feeling or provide me with a different angle to look at it?

My research so far:

Someone gave a link with a couple scenarios, my answers were:

Scenario 1. I suppose I wouldn’t mind, at least to take the female body for a spin for a couple days, but I’d keep the button to make sure I can smash undo, just in case.

Scenario 2. That was a tough one, as it’s a more permanent type of deal, I definitly didn’t like the idea of an even more masculine body, but a more androgynous / femme looking body seemed alright.

Scenario 3. Definitely would regret it to not take the time to actually get an answer, whatever that may be, which is why I am trying to work through it, instead of pushing it down like I have done countless times before. I am now at least in a place mentally, that I have the space and energy to take my time with it.

I also read the gender dysphoria bible, which was a good read, but, as I mentioned, the trouble with recognizing my feelings makes it tough to figure out what exactly it is I am feeling… >_>

I love lists, so I have made some extensive lists listing pros / cons regarding male vs female, socially, physically etc. also made one for the pros and cons of HRT & SRS, just to try and figure it out or see if I can get a clearer picture. Overall speaking, I feel it’s fairly unbiased, as I recognize plenty of pros and plenty of cons in every comparison.

For the gender comparison, the pros do overtake the cons (even if minor), though the male comparison is fairly short, I think it might be because I might be blind to some things I simply take for granted.

Male (+8/-7), Female (+14/-9), HRT (+5/-7), SRS (+2/-5).

For HRT and SRS I was hypercritical, as it would be something that is pretty impactful, and without knowing my true feelings, the ‘pro’ side for either obviously stays fairly empty.

All in all a few other things I noticed/realized etc.:

  • I really hate being muscular (Arnold style, Zach Effron etc., I just don’t like that ripped look). Now, that may just be a personal preference thing.

But since I realized that, I take care of my body in a different way, as I saw you can actually get a fairly clean lean look as a guy as well (from 96kg to 81kg currently, going well!).

I had exersised before, but hated how big my arms got.

  • Sexuality on the other hand (seems) clear as day, I like women, period. Men don’t really do it for me, though I have to admit that, as an example, the ‘femboy’ look does cause some… *cough* activity, so maybe not 100% straight either (no idea if there is a word for being attracted to femininity)
  • I don’t think I have a problem with being a male, though. There are some things I do dislike: the idea of balding (but I guess this would be universal) not a concern yet… but still; I don’t like my facial hair (though that stems mostly from the sensations, as I can’t tune out the prickling; likely from AuDHD), I find it also just looks cleaner shaven; I have played with the idea of shaving the rest of my body hair, but I am mortified about potentially getting comments about it.
  • I actually recalled the first time I started wondering about this stuff, I was 8 ish, sitting on the couch with my parents, while they were watching a documentary (I think) about a boy that felt like he was born in the wrong body and became a girl. I suppose it resonated with me on some level, because here we are, though in hindsight it might just be curiousity or trying to understand.

I did bring it up a few times then, but mom dismissed it (you’re a boy, you wouldn’t like skirts and dresses anyways) and since then I have kept these thoughts to myself. To be fair, I had been bullied at school about wearing shorts and never worn them ever again since… but also, with researching this stuff and reading more about it… girls don’t have to wear skirts to be girls… so yay, more confusion!

  • NSFW(ish) warning: I regularly, during self gratification, think about what the girl would feel, trying to imagine myself in their place… not sure if kink/fetish or some weird way I try to understand their feelings (as I mimic empathy in normal situations by imagining myself in their place. Eg. bit dark example maybe, but it does show what I mean: Someone loses their pet, I try to imagine how I would feel if I’d lose my own (dog in this case), before being able to understand what they are going through. Mom asked about it once and was surprised about how well I ‘fake’ it :P
  • No idea if relevant: In video games I 9/10 times pick a female character, as the guys just… don’t feel right (too boxy, muscular, their voice is usually cringy as hell to me, etc.), might just be a preference thing, but thought I should mention it.
  • In dreams I occasionally see myself as a woman, but I *do* also see myself as a guy as well or just as something else entirely, but then again dreams are dreams, so again… no clue if relevant at all, but it doesn’t help with trying to figure things out.
  • A thing I realize, that could be incredibly important: After age 8-9 I no longer lived with my parents (different times, and my parents simply couldn’t help me out with my AuDHD, which led to me getting angry, even violent at times), so I moved to assisted living (I guess that would be the most fitting term). There I learned about my AuDHD and how to better manage it, but the problem is… those places are filled with boys. I can literally count on 1 hand the amount of girls of my age I’ve had around during my formative years, which might significantly affect my perspective.
  • Finally, having AuDHD makes it really hard to understand my feelings, I may have missed things, causing the above to be biased a certain way or simply not seeing the things/moments where I *do* affirm my AGAB.

Wew, okay, this turned out longer than I planned…

All in all, I would really appreciate some different angles and insights :-)