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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/shewentncaita on 2023-09-15 20:33:28.

My wife (38F) and I (40M) have been married for 10-years. We have 2 kids together (8 & 5) and she has a 19-year-old daughter (Jen) from a previous relationship. Obviously, I have been in my stepdaughter’s life for a long time and I view her and love her as my own daughter. Her bio dad is still active in her life, but throughout high school she lived primarily with us because we live in a better school district. She graduated this past spring and was supposed to start college this fall.

I say “supposed to” because she never went. Her BF of 3 years broke up with her this summer because they were attending different colleges and he didn’t think it would work out. He ended things 2 weeks before Jen was supposed to leave. Jen was heartbroken and pretty much didn’t leave her room for a week. Both my wife and I tried to talk with her and encourage her to see this as an opportunity for personal growth while at college. But all Jen did was dwell on the negative and sulk.

Then, Jen started saying that she didn’t want to go to college because she was depressed. We had numerous talks with her about this and encouraged her to go and to view it as an opportunity and a springboard to a new life. However, none of our encouragement got through to her. Without our knowledge, she contacted the school to cancel her enrollment and left to her dad’s. Before she left, she sent my wife a text telling her that our lack of support during this time proved to her that we don’t have her best interests in mind and that she will be blocking us and told us not to try and contact her.

Of course, this left my wife heartbroken because she didn’t know what we did wrong. This all came as a shock. For me though, I was pissed. We had already taken out parent plus loans to help Jen financially and are on the hook for that money. I also got Jen a newer car and a credit card (both in my name) this summer for her to use at college. She is also still on our family cell phone plan.

After Jen had been gone a couple days, I decided to check the credit card statement, she was using it and had racked up almost $1,000. I immediately cancelled the card. I then talked with my wife and told her that if Jen wants nothing to do with us, then I don’t feel comfortable continuing to pay for things for her, like the car and cell phone. My wife agreed and we contacted Jen’s bio dad to talk with him.

He said Jen only stayed with him a few nights before leaving one day and not coming back. She texted him that she’s staying with friends and was safe. I told my wife I am considering reporting the car stolen because it’s registered in my name and I’m the one making payments for it. But my wife thinks that would be an AH move and she already thinks me cancelling the credit card was a bad idea.

I told her that Jen is trying to have things both ways. She wants nothing to do with us, but also has no problem taking full advantage of the things we provided for her.