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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/UnclePervyBear on 2023-09-16 00:57:01.

My husband and I (male) have been together for almost fifteen years. In that time, I have never cheated on him nor has he, as far as I know, cheated on me. We have a good relationship and love each other very much.

A few months ago, I got a new coworker (“Dave”). He’s a very nice guy, a few years younger than me, and undeniably hot. I was attracted to him instantly. In the months since Dave started, he and I have become rather close (professionally speaking). We work on projects together, often eat lunch together, and have a good, solid, work friendship. We talk a lot about non-personal things (workouts, books, movies, etc), but not much that is personal. He knows I’m gay and married and I know he’s single, but not whether is straight or gay.

Then, about a month ago, Dave invited me to work out with him. I had been telling him that I was trying to put on some muscle as well as lose weight. Dave has been an avid “gym rat” (his term) since he was a teenager and knows much more than I do about good workout habits and routines. So, with my husband fully aware, Dave and I started working out together two to three times a week.

This only made my attraction stronger. Dave and I would leave work, change into workout clothes at the gym, do our routines, and then shower and change together when we were done (like many other male friends working out together). Now that I have seen him naked on numerous occasions, I find myself thinking about him more…and not in a platonic way.

Now, I was content to just let it go at that. I have no intention of ever cheating on my husband. I have had sexual attractions to other men before, as has my husband. We are both well aware that loving each other does not mean we don’t find other guys sexually attractive. As well, even if I DID want to cheat on my husband, I don’t even know whether or not Dave is A) attracted to men and, if so, B) attracted to me.

Then, the other day, I was talking to a long-time friend of mine. I told him the same things I mentioned here. I also told him that I had no intention of telling my husband, since I had not done anything inappropriate with Dave, nor had Dave ever indicated he would be open to that if I had tried.

My friend, though, insists I have to tell my husband. He says it’s different than past sexual attractions, though, for two reasons.

1. Dave and I work closely together almost every day.

2. Dave and I work out together and, because of that, see each other naked in the locker room and gym showers on a regular basis.

He says to not tell my husband, given those two things, would make me an asshole. He says that I’m spending enough time with Dave, including time unclothed, that I have to be up front and confess to my husband that I am attracted to Dave and have some non-platonic feelings for him.

So, Reddit, is my friend right?

EDIT: Thank you, Reddit. I’ve read every response, even the ones I didn’t reply to. I have not, nor would I ever, cheat on my husband. But, people brought up an emotional affair…which, honestly, I had never considered. I can’t say those people are wrong though. I just didn’t recognize it for what it was.

I accept my judgement. I’m an asshole and I accept that. I’m going to talk to my husband this weekend and put some distance between me and Dave.