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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/Nancamp on 2023-09-16 08:28:42.

On mobile sorry for format and grammar…

My mother has been dating her Bf for 12 years. She has had 2 children living with her during that time, my sister E (f19) and Iris (f16) who are from her previous marriage. She shares custody of them with her ex husband. I am (30)f if it matters.

Iris has recently turned 16 and got a job and her license. My mother had previously said that she would be able to date once she was 16. So at a dinner I casually asked “so when is she going to be allowed to date now.”

My mothers BF immediately chimed in over my mom and said “not until she is 18 and out of the house” to which I responded “sorry who are you?” And he asked “who do you think I am.” I replied “my mother’s boyfriend.”

He took offense to this claiming that he helped “raise” my little sisters. I personally don’t think that anyone but the children’s parents should have a say, or think they have a say like that in how a child is raised. He also reacted the same way with my older sister E about her dating. She was never allowed to date while she was younger, and my mother told us all to hide it from him that she had gotten a boyfriend when she first moved to college as he would get angry. E has been dating that same boy for over a year now and he is a sweet heart and will do the world for her. My mothers BF won’t let him set foot in the house because of how strongly he feels about it.

Anyways the BF got his feelings hurt and basically said “I see how you see me” and left from the dinner and my mother is pissed at me but all of my sisters agree with me (including my 2 older sisters and can’t believe he had the audacity to butt into the conversation and think he has a say in the matter. My mother says I shouldn’t be saying anything about her relationship. I think she has issues separating her relationship from her children and that her and his relationship Does not and should not include her previous children. I would also have a the same stance if they were married.

Some more background: The children’s father is still very much in the picture, although he is also very much an asshole. My mother’s BF has helped to buy Iris a car recently. He has also kicked the older of the 2 girls E out 2 times from “his house.” I told E about this whole ordeal and she laughed at the thought that he “raised” them and she said that her and Iris will have a lot of trauma to work through with a therapist in years to come from him. To her he was simply around, her and Iris are incredibly close and I’m sure share the sentiment.

Edit for more background: He does minimal things in the house for them. This is not a case where he is checking their grades, helping with their homework, buying them school clothes, taking them to and from school and friends houses. My mom does all that. He lives with them and talks to them everyday. But he isn’t really providing for them other then that they live in his house, and he does take them on vacations, buy them presents, treat them to dinner out sometimes, etc…

Edit 2: They split rent for 10 years with my mom paying more money because of her kids. The kids are half with my mom half with their biological dad. In the last two years the boyfriend bought a house that now they live in.

Anyways am I the asshole for thinking and saying that he shouldn’t get a say in when and if my sisters are allowed to date?