This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/twoxchromosomes by /u/Relative-Database494 on 2023-09-16 20:01:52.

Pretty much my whole life, I’ve been suppressing my intelligence and subconsciously making my self dumb as not to hurt anyone or make them feel inferior. If I’m right about anything I’ll immediately feel very very guilty, however unfounded, and try to downplay my achievement or make it sound like a coincidence/ luck. In the recent month, I thought about it logically and didn’t think this was fair. So I worked on myself and attempted to reduce this behavior, and I’m also taking a few anxiety medications which have lowered my guards on that front.

And yet what I’ve learned, instead of that it’s ok to be better- is that my worries were never unfounded. In fact, when I know an answer to something- especially when a man doesn’t- they are the ones to immediately downplay my knowledge. Or if I have a discussion with them where I openly correct them- even if they are talking down to me/ explaining their knowledge in the first place- they get openly upset and hostile. There was an incident where I corrected a guy I know, for example, on an economic concept where he basically made stuff up. I wasn’t mean about it or anything, I was actually pretty nice about it and gave him the benefit of trying not to hurt him- Which, by the way, is never a pleasantry that was ever awarded to me. I have always been attacked immediately, had my opinions disregarded, and people wanting to think I’m dumb, without ever regard for my feelings.

If this was a correction that was not subjective, if it was he would surely argue, but since it was factual he became defense instead. He told me it was one thing to memorize economic concepts, and another to understand them. So I told him that I did understand them and explained it to him. He then talked over me, since it was a group conversation, and continued to talk about his opinions- which genuinely made me feel really really isolated and bad about myself. This has happened with my own brother, when I thought I could be open to in a family situation, and a my co-workers. I have never been explicitly bossy, or mean, or corrected people when they haven’t asked for it. In fact, it usually them who unnecessarily challenge something I say (which is something they do that i’ve never understood, perhaps to try to dismiss my understanding?)- and then get really angry when I show them I’m right.

I’ve genuinely never thought of the people around me as misogynistic- But I guess there was a reason I learned this behavior in the first place. And why so many of the women around me have too. This experience- and how minimized this makes me feel, especially in a group situation, has really made me feel bad about myself and my self worth. I’ve always been sympathetic to those who experience micro-aggressions, but never felt it so raw myself- It just makes you feel like a worthless human who’s opinions are constantly discounted- and feeling so disliked for doing something I thought was totally justified.

I even feel very guilty, still. For making them feel upset. But I know I did nothing wrong. I was just hoping there were others who’ve experienced this, because so far it’s very isolating- and you even feel like the bad person in the situation.