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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/Sea-Repeat7146 on 2023-09-19 15:27:55.

I (42f) find myself in a challenging situation within my tight-knit mom-friend group, which includes Allie, Emilia, and Cara. We’ve been close friends for nearly a decade, and our kids have grown up together. However, there’s a growing concern within our group about Allie’s husband, Matt (50m), and I’m grappling with whether I should address it.

Allie and Matt have had their fair share of relationship issues, reaching a point this summer where Allie considered ending things with him and asking him to move out. In the end, she decided to stay with him, but it’s left some of us feeling uneasy. They have a son (10).

Emilia, Cara, and I are all disturbed by Matt’s behavior. He often makes inappropriate comments about or to our daughters, who range in ages from 6 to 12. Frankly, it’s concerning, and it raises alarms about whether this could potentially be categorized as grooming behavior. Moreover, Matt has an unsettling obsession with Cara, who is happily married, and she’s felt uncomfortable around him for years.

Emilia and I have reached a point where we don’t want our daughters around Matt without constant supervision, not even for a second. It’s gone to the extent that we won’t let our children be left alone with Allie in case Matt is around. This situation has led us to decline constant invitations from Allie for various activities, from playdates to vacations. We either make up excuses or carefully plan get-togethers to minimize contact with Matt.

What’s more, a friend of mine who met Matt once independently expressed concerns about leaving her children alone with him. These concerns aren’t isolated but seem to be a shared sentiment among those who’ve interacted with him. We do not know if Allie sees any of this.Matt’s troubling behavior isn’t limited to the issues with our kids. He has a history of not paying child support for his disabled child from a prior marriage, excessive drinking, and failing to contribute equally to their family responsibilities. His traumatic childhood experiences have also left him struggling to connect with Allie’s family.

Now, Emilia, Cara and I face a moral dilemma. Should we sit down with Allie and discuss how Matt makes us feel, even though she hasn’t asked for our input? On one hand, we feel that if the roles were reversed, we would want to know if our partner’s behavior was causing concerns among our closest friends. On the other hand, bringing up the issue unprompted could have significant consequences for Allie’s life.

We’re stuck between our duty as her closest friends to be honest and our fear that discussing Matt without her prompting might cross a line. We’re concerned about the impact on our friendship with Allie, as she may assume we don’t want to spend time with her when, in reality, it’s Matt we’d rather avoid.

WIBTA for telling Allie about our concerns regarding Matt, even if she hasn’t asked?

EDITED: to break up paragraphs