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The original was posted on /r/twoxchromosomes by /u/hurtswhenip666 on 2023-09-20 15:22:11.

I’m bipolar, currently in a massive depressive episode. My husband has known this as I’ve been telling him how awful I feel. I was suicidal, to the point where I tried strangling myself with a belt. I didn’t want to kill myself but I just felt the urge to do it. HE KNOWS THIS. I also have hEDS so the physical pain in my body, particularly lumbar spine and down, has probably been the worse it’s ever been. The last thing on my mind is sex.

I have a topical pain reliever that I asked him to rub on my hips, which he did. I had a thong on so I was partially covered/partially not. While rubbing this stuff on me, he tries to rub my vagina at the same time. I jokingly told him to stop even though in my head I’m thinking “are you fucking serious”. He stopped, as our daughter was still there at the time and he was trying to be sneaky.

I called my psychiatrist and left a message to have him call me back because of my mental state. I’m sitting on the couch with my husband and he opens his phone and starts watching a video of me and him having (consensual) sex. Seeing that out of the corner of my eye grossed me the fuck out. He’s asking me if it’s turning me on blah blah blah and I’m half joking/but not telling him I feel so shitty that sex is the last thing on my mind. He’s disregarding, and starts rubbing on me. I say verbatim “I guess I’ll fulfill my wifely duties”, and head upstairs, unenthusiastically.

I told him not to expect anything out of me. I told him I can’t even make eye contact. He told me “just wear the sleep mask, it would be kind of hot”. I also tell him I’m waiting for my psychiatrist to call me back. I very reluctantly have sex, since I told him I would. Go figure my psychiatrist calls me in the middle. I grab my phone and run downstairs naked, and cry to him about where I’m at mentally and emotionally and how I don’t want to be here. Finish up phone call. Head back upstairs and say “well that was a real mood killer”, and tell him I don’t want to resume and let’s pick up where we left off later. I was just fucking crying about how I wanted to die. He is very insistent on pursuing, I reluctantly agree, again. This time, I’m just laying on my side, and I put a pillow over my head, just wanting to disappear. I’m laying there completely silent, and not present at all. I’m on the verge of tears. He finishes. I don’t move and am just laying there. He gets up and is like “welp, gotta go to work”, gets changed, and I’m still just laying there, naked on my side. He gives me a kiss on the forehead and leaves.

He was also doing things with a toy that I specifically said “I don’t feel like getting weird tonight”, he disregarded that. After he left for work, and I texted him asking him if he put it away after he washed it, because I didn’t want to see it, which he did. I told him I feel gross. And dirty. He said “sorry I made you feel that way.” I didn’t respond, and I think he knew he fucked up. He left work shortly after to come home. I couldn’t look at him, was very quiet but not ignoring him. He came over to the bed to lay with me and apologized and said he would never do that again. I just cried.

To clarify, I never actively stopped him. I was hoping he would just see. Everything about it felt wrong. I feel like I can’t look at him the same.