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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/beanmalady on 2023-09-22 17:45:21.
I (f27) was running late to work yesterday and stopped to get my coffee at insert national orange and pink coffee chain instead of the local little shop I go to. I live in Brooklyn so there are a lot of great places for coffee, but not all of them are speedy. This places coffee isn’t half bad anyway, plus they have donuts.
Enter coworker “Parker” who is a self proclaimed coffee snob. Parker is my age. He saw the cup on my desk and started teasing me. The first time I was like “haha I know “ and that was that. Parker didn’t stop though, and it felt less like teasing and more like…just being rude? He started going off on my taste, how I wouldn’t know good coffee if it hit me in the face, how I was crazy to drink that trash at various points throughout the day. Finally at lunch he was like “you should really just let me make you something so you can actually appreciate good coffee” and like? We have a small kitchen where he keeps a moka pot and beans and it sounded unbearable. I said “Parker it is not normal to be this intense over a cup of coffee” and a few of my coworkers who were sitting next to me snorted. We all kinda exchanged looks as he made his own coffee.
This morning on the elevator it was just Parker and me and he said “I was very embarrassed by what you said yesterday. I’m very passionate about coffee.” I said “Okay but you don’t need to be rude about it to me” and he said “It hurt my feelings and you should apologize.” He then divulged that he is autistic and coffee is a special interest of his. I didn’t want to apologize, but this is making me rethink it. If anything, to keep the peace? I don’t know if I should. Will I be the A if I don’t?
NTA if you don’t apologize but it will confuse and stress him more.
My guess is he was trying at banter and the fact that people only snickered at yours made him think yours went over some line that his didn’t.
I’m autistic too, and what Parker needs if anything is a public apology, not a private one like he’s asking for.
And I don’t mean you owe him a public apology. I’m saying the scope of his perceived loss of status (the embarassment) is the group, not your one on one relationship.
What Parker needs to learn is that group karma needs to be processed in the group. What he needs most of all is to say some shit to you, and for the group to snicker in response. An excellent second best would be for you to publicly compliment him.
I’m autistic but I’m also 40 so I’ve had a lot of time to glean the rules.
Next time you see him with shots of that Spider Man guy, maybe compliment the shots. That’s your best move for creating peace with Parker. And hope to god that he’s not too dense to accept it gracefully. He probably is.
From the source comments:
Parker should take a special interest in learning manners 😒
Just realized this is what I actually did. At a certain point I decided I needed to learn human culture or starve to death, and at this point I fucking love it.
