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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/Able-Stop684 on 2023-09-24 00:19:48.

My husband and I (29M, 27M) went through the surrogacy process and had our son 4 months ago. We were thrilled when my sister (31F) announced her pregnancy and we found out we would be having children very near the same time. Our niece was born a little over two months after our son.

My situation and my sister’s closely mirror each other. Our husbands both work typical 9 to 5s with 30 - 45 minute commutes. My sister is a SAHM and I do freelance work from home.

For the first two weeks after our son was born (the first of which my husband took off of work), we would both take partial night shifts. Once I felt like I had at least some of my bearings on parenthood, I offered to take over completely on week nights, while he does mornings before work + weekends. It’s a collaborative process and that breakdown of parenting just made sense to me. My husband was the one leaving our home to work every day, he was the one who had to be up by a specific time and make a drive.

At 4 months, we no longer have this obstacle anymore (and to be honest, I kind of miss the sweet, quiet bonding time those extra night feeds provided now that he’s settled onto a nice sleep schedule and usually only wakes up once.) Still, I think we got it down to almost the perfect science before we exited the newborn stage. My sister, on the other hand, is very much still in that phase and struggling.

This has been a recurring problem for her from the beginning. She has been coming to me saying she’s scared she’s going to fall asleep holding the baby, that her husband won’t help her with the night feeds, etc. I tried to give her tips since I’ve been through it. I suggested she let her partner take over in the evenings (~6 to 9pm) so she can go to bed early and catch a few more hours, nap when baby naps, etc… She shot down everything saying ’ that wouldn’t work for them’ and that she just needed her partner to do some of the night feedings.

I reminded her that her husband is the one commuting in the mornings and falling asleep while driving was a very real possibility, and that I had lived through it and so could she. I then offered to watch her daughter for a few days so she could catch up on sleep. She took major offense to both of these things. She said I was belittling her experience and acting like I was a better parent. She said I couldn’t truly empathize with her or give her valuable tips since she had been pregnant and I hadn’t, and that me offering to watch my niece just felt like me saying she needed help raising her own daughter.

My intentions were definitely not malicious and I’d like some outside perspective here. AITA?

EDIT: I’m a man. Saw some people calling a woman in the comments, just wanted to clarify.