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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/Cowboyinthecity on 2023-09-24 13:55:31.
I’ve been together with my girlfriend for a bit over a year by now. She’s been in several toxic and/or abusive relationships before we got together and she ensured I was aware of that before we started dating.
To get to the point, yesterday we kind of got into an argument. To cut things short, I was pretty overwhelmed after work and she kept asking me questions about whatever flew through her head. This went on for a while. Unfortunately that being overwhelmed turned into some sort of panic/anxiety attack (I’m not exactly sure what it exactly is, that’s what my doctor assumes they are). During those I can hardly speak, breathe pretty heavily, my blood runs cold, can’t hear anything properly and feel like everything around me was spinning. It’s never happened to me while she was around and I’ve never told her it happens, because it’s pretty rare.
She poked me, then shook me a little to which I just moved her arm away. I looked at the ground until it was over and assumed she was still next to me on the couch. Once I calmed down it turned out she wasn’t. I got up and called for her and eventually she came out of the (locked) bedroom.
I asked her why she left and she told me she was scared. After that point it turned into somewhat of an argument. I kind of huffed and asked her What’s she’s scared of, to which she replied she was scared of me. Scared that I’d hurt her. In that moment, hearing that made me feel disconnected to her. And it was also a bit laughable to me, because I couldn’t even see straight and she was “scared” of me. She told me that I need to understand her point of view, to which I told her “Why are you even with me when you don’t even trust me not to harm you?” She got quiet for a bit and then just said I wouldn’t understand.
I still didn’t quite get what I did wrong, so I asked my older sister who told me I should be more understanding regarding her trauma, but I also think I’m not in the wrong for not wanting my girlfriend to be scared of me.
Am I the asshole here?
Edit: Bad wording
People have different states of mind. She didn’t trust you in that moment, but that’s different from her not trusting you overall.
Maybe she’s never trusted a person in her life. Maybe she doesn’t know what trust even feels like.
I used to take it personally when women were defensive around me, but eventually I learned it’s not personal.
I mean I know how horrible and shameful it feels when women are afraid of you. I have a temper, which I haven’t yet learned to control perfectly, and I feel so ashamed when women respond in a natural, normal, healthy way to my temper. They make some distance and get safe because they don’t know what the fuck I’m gonna do.
That unpleasant emotion, that shame, is mine to handle.
The simple fact of the matter is you are physically powerful enough to hurt her, she has a history with toxic people, and regardless of who you are day to day you’re experiencing periodic extreme shifts in consciousness that make you behave strangely.
Like, she might not run from you but she’ll run from your zombie corpse despite it being the “same person”. Until you and your doctor figure out what the hell is going on with these episodes, you don’t even know if you can trust yourself.
Panic is also known as uncontrollable fight or flight. If you are truly panicking you are not a man in that moment; you are an animal. A person who is panicking is not safe to be around. If a person is safe to be around when they panic, then whatever they’re calling panic isn’t actually panic.
You huffing and puffing in consternation when she takes steps to defend herself isn’t a good move. Being offended by another person’s feelings is pointless.
