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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/Guilty_Oven2939 on 2023-07-04 20:45:48+00:00.

I (26M) have a three-month-old son with my wife (24F). He’s our first child.

I have a good relationship with my parents, however, they (especially my mom) have a difficult time respecting my boundaries, and they were a bit overprotective of me growing up. I am their only child, so naturally they are going to feel protective of me. While I wouldn’t go as far as to describe my mom as a helicopter parent, she seemed to have a hard time allowing me to make mistakes. She would want to have a say in anything I was doing, and offer advice whether I wanted it or not. When I was little, this was totally understandable, but as I grew up it became very annoying. When I moved out, I told her that now that I’m grown up, she needs to respect my boundaries, as well as accept that I might do certain things differently from how she does. I’ve requested that she please ask me if want help/advice with something, and to please respect my wishes if I say no. She seems to have a very hard time with this; she’ll reluctantly say she’ll try to do that, but honestly I don’t think she’s making enough effort. We’ve argued about this many times. It really feels like she doesn’t trust me. When my son was born, I asked both of my parents to please leave the parenting up to me and my wife, and if we need help we’ll ask. They agreed, though my mom seemed reluctant (not surprised).

Now, I didn’t think it was my place to ask my in-laws to do this, because they’re her parents, not mine. I told her that if she would like her parents’ help/advice with raising our son, it was fine with me, and the decision of how much or how little involvement her parents had was up to her. I am also more comfortable with my wife’s parents because she’s the youngest of four children, and therefore they have more experience as parents. They know when it’s appropriate to offer help, and when they should take a step back.

Anyways, today we’re having a barbecue for the 4th of July. We invited both of our families. It was the first time we’ve all been in the same room since our wedding. My mom saw how much my in-laws were helping with our son; feeding him, changing him, putting him down for a nap, etc. (they’re mainly doing this because my wife is busy in the kitchen). My parents took me aside and asked why I want my in-laws’ help but not theirs. I told her the reasons. Dad took it pretty well (he enjoys being a “fun Grandpa”) but my mom is very hurt.

Now I feel bad. I was looking forward to a fun day with our families, but now I’m feeling guilty. My mom basically is just standing around doing nothing and looks hurt. My feelings of wanting her to leave the parenting up to me and my wife hasn’t changed, but I don’t know how to express this without upsetting her. Honestly I’m kinda wishing everyone would just go home.

AITA for telling my parents to leave the parenting up to me and my wife, yet leaving the decision on how much my in-laws are involved up to my wife, because I didn’t feel it was my place?