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The original was posted on /r/twoxchromosomes by /u/shatteredbreathless on 2023-09-26 10:32:23.

It’s not his fault. We have discussed whether or not we want to have children for the last few years and ultimately decided it wasn’t for us, but we are open to the idea of fostering when we are more financially stable. Besides me having worked at length in the past with children in the foster care system, we both have medical conditions we would rather not pass on to the next generation, and love each other deeply, and would love to provide a safe and stable home environment to a young person in need.

My hang up comes from trauma related to my ex-husband. We were married young and always said we would wait until we were 30 to try for kids. When I was 29, he cheated on me and left me for his mistress. He threw every mutual decision we ever made in my face. Where we moved to, which career field he chose to enter, and when to limit contact with alcoholic abusive family members. All of those decisions were a grueling process, often taking months and multiple discussions with a therapist to weigh our options, in which I confirmed with Ex over and over again it was what he really wanted.

I grew up in a household where all my decisions were made for me, and my autonomy was not respected. It’s something I’m particularly sensitive about, and I never want anyone to feel that way. Perhaps it’s annoying to others, but I’ve always been the type to offer alternative choices if someone seems indecisive and also remind them that they have the ability to choose their own path, and I won’t be bothered if someone chooses something that prioritizes their own needs. It’s what I always wished someone would have done for me growing up. Ex throwing the careful planned decisions we made together in my face utterly shattered me.

Anyway, because Ex threw all our mutual decisions in my face and called me controlling, I have been a wreck over my fiance’s vasectomy. Fiance had never wanted kids, but I was still on the fence about it when we met before ultimately deciding I would rather foster. But while I was on the fence, he was 100% on board on having kids if that was what I decided I wanted. In his own words “I never considered the possibility of wanting children until I met you. Imagining myself as a husband and father was effortless with you.”

He’s so kind and compassionate. I was shaking with anxiety when I told him I decided I was not wanting to go through pregnancy and birth, but would maybe want to become a foster guardian. I was so afraid he would rage against me flip-flopping and seeming indecisive, and it took me weeks to work up the courage to tell him. When I did, he just shrugged, kissed me, and said “Cool, whatever makes you happy. I’m totally on board to foster when we’re ready.”

We talked about it for 6 more months before he was the one to offer to get a vasectomy. I’ve been on six different birth controls over the last 10 years and have experienced a plethora of negative side effects since. He said he wouldn’t mind doing something so relatively minor compared to all the suffering women experience in the name of family planning. I swear he knows just what to say to have me bawling like a baby.

Now my darling man is on bed rest and very sore after the procedure. He’s been such a dream. I’ve kept my anxiety to myself, even though I know he would support me through it. Right now, I just want him to focus on healing and his own needs. I just can’t help but be afraid that one day he will throw this in my face. He’s never done anything of the kind, and I recognize it is a remnant of trauma with Ex. I was just hoping for some kind of reassurance from you guys. He’s asleep beside me looking so at ease and I don’t want to burden him. I care about him so very much and feel so fortunate to have him.