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The original was posted on /r/ask_detransition by /u/little-flower-444 on 2023-09-26 19:01:14.

Hello everyone,

First off I’d like to say that I am not a hateful person so please if I say something that seems offensive I don’t mean to. I just feel very devastated and scared for a close friend of mine.

I have a friend who I think is lost and turning to the trans community for comfort and belonging. Their “transition” happened extremely fast to me. Came out of almost nowhere.

Quick back story of my friend: my friend and I are chosen family and spent many years of Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners together they were like a cousin to me. Our parents would have get togethers every couple months and we would play, grew up together (at a little distance). We both had very little family and I known them since we were 8, we’re 20s now.

They didn’t have very good parents, the mother and father eventually abandoned them at 20… I couldn’t do anything for them being 21 and married myself. It was hard on them and I know they felt horrible, I still loved them and stayed in touch even though I moved out of state. (It’s a long story why the parents left them but basically it was a horrible divorce and they lived outside the house with a friend when it happened so their parents didn’t feel the need to take them with them after the divorce since they were an adult living on their own).

Friend broke up with the person they lived with, homeless for a moment and parents still didn’t help. They became and alcoholic and got clean after a year of heavy use. Got married and was living life happy and making good money the last 4 years.

Here is where I get really concerned… they were born female and had always been pretty feminine, especially once they got married and met a man who was very kind and supportive to them. They loved being girly and feminine so much they got licensed to do lashes and facials and have been doing it for years now.

Over the last year (literally 2 weeks away from being 1 year right now) of questioning their gender and they have had surgery. It was a shock, I knew they were playing around with presenting more masculine (again, no judgment, they seem happy). They are still with hubby who is nice to them.

They grew our armpit hair, stopped doing their lashes and shaved their head which is fine. No hormones or T use yet. Not a big concern for me, (I’m a newly graduated psychologist so seeing they are avoiding hormones and taking their time was good for mental state). Then BAM! Opened an app on my phone and saw their chest with bandages and drains celebrating the “step to transition” for themselves and I almost had a panic attack/balled my eyes out.

Not because I hate trans or something of course, I just know my friend had only started their transition less than a year ago like I mentioned and there’s no coming back from a full mastectomy. They were so feminine their whole life (actually a little mean to me about the boyish way I was growing up so this is very surprising). I’m so worried about their mental state.

I don’t think they took time with this decision and I’m genuinely terrified they will regret this. I don’t want to loose them, I know a lot of detransitioners take their life and that’s my biggest fear for them. Again, this person never came off masculine growing up and suddenly they want to present very masculine? Maybe I’m just ignorant but I have gay and trans family (only one trans person, male to female) that took many years to ever start hormones/come out. I don’t want to reach out to them in a condensending way or a way thats “transphobic” saying they’ll regret it, I just want them to know I’m here for whatever they may feel following this decision.

They’ve also stopped talking with me first the last 8 months or so, they’ve kind of slowly stopped texting/messaging me. So I’m not sure if I should just fade away and let them live their life. Their new friends all support their decisions but I don’t know if they’d be there for them if they decide to detransition. I don’t want them to feel alone ever again if I can help it. What would you like from a friend who loves you like I love them? Again, I’m not here to make them regret or contemplate their decision. They’re easily influenced so I’m just preparing for the worst outcome… this happened so fast and they aren’t even 25 yet.