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The original was posted on /r/twoxchromosomes by /u/Common_Investigator1 on 2023-09-30 08:23:22.

Edit: TW: SEXUAL ASSAULT

For context I was going to trial for it and have been dealing with it for 6 years…

I hate to say it, but him dying was probably the worst thing for me. Because for the first time I felt like what happened to me mattered. Like someone believed me (the courts). I was fighting for my life back, and I had someone right there fighting with me(the crown prosecutor and my victim services worker). I was almost able to tell everyone what he did to me with confidence that people would actually believe me. Now it’s thrown in the garbage and I’ll just be another girl who was raped and couldn’t do anything about it. I was not only fighting for myself but I was fighting to show other women that it’s okay to stand up for themselves. Now I’m being thrown right back into the dark dark closet that I should have just kept myself in.

Why does he get to be in peace now? Why do I have to live with this trauma for the rest of my life?

I get no sort of closure anymore. I just wanted to see him and show him how badly he hurt me. Now I feel silenced again. I feel so alone, and so trapped.

Everyone is posting “rip ______” and all these paragraphs like he was the best person alive. But he wasn’t. HE WAS A MONSTER.

He stole me. He stole my innocence, my trust, my confidence, my own body. And he doesn’t have to pay the price of what he did. But I have to pay the price of being hurt. How is this fair to me? I was just a little girl. And now I have to grow up knowing that what happened to me no longer matters.

I’m just flooded with a lot of feelings right now. I just don’t think I am mentally ready to deal with this anymore…

The amount of times I almost texted my victim services worker tell her I just wanted to give up on this case because I didn’t think it would go anywhere, but didn’t because I had faith that I could get justice for myself I couldn’t even count on my hands and feet.

I was trying so hard to stay strong, and let it play out because I felt like I deserved an answer, or closure, or something.

And now it’s all ripped away from me. I really felt like I was getting my life back. My peace back. I felt like I could finally be set free of all of this pain and suffering that I’ve been dealing with since it happened.

I don’t know what I did to deserve to feel like this. And it hurts so so so so so so so so so badly.

I know one day these feelings will fade away, but it is so beyond tough right now.

Nobody will ever believe that he did that to me… so I’m just going to silence myself out.