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The original was posted on /r/twoxchromosomes by /u/sunflowerchild72 on 2023-09-30 18:30:39.
Hi all,I(22F) am married to my husband(25M). We both come from relatively religious upbringings, but I would definitely say I was more sheltered. He was my first for a lot of things sexually, but I was not his. We’ve been married about a year and a half now and I’ve noticed some patterns in our sex life. I can’t tell if they’re just problems in our sex life or something everyone goes through and I was wondering if you guys could weigh in. It’s starting to take a toll on me mentally, sometimes to the point where I have resent built up towards him because of it and I start getting cranky and irritated for no reason. I know I need to talk to him about it but I’m not sure how.
- He never asks/initiates for sex I think in the total four years we’ve been together, the only time he would initiate any sort of physical intimacy was back when we were dating. Now that we’re married, it’s always me who initiates any sort of intimacy. Whether it’s just a simple kiss on the cheek or actual sex, he never starts anything. I’ve tried bringing it up and he just says it never crosses his mind to be physical and that when it does I’m usually not available or around so he just surpresses the urge and forgets about it.
- He sometimes can’t get hard I want to say about 40% of the time we have sex, he doesn’t get hard. It really crushes my self esteem a bit when I go to reach for him, all hot and bothered, and he’s just soft. It makes me feel like maybe I’m not good enough or hot enough to get him to that point. And then if I try to talk to him about it, he just gets really defensive and shuts me out.
- He’s super sensitive to any change in the bedroom If the room is colder than usual or hotter than usual he can’t have sex. He doesn’t like to change position or the “routine” we have or even let me be on top. He always says that it’s because why would he try something new when this position works. I’ve explained that sometimes I need variety and he’s tried for my sake, but when we do I end up getting really self conscious and worrying about whether he’s enjoying it and then it usually just fizzles out.
I know there’s some common culprits people will say like; he’s watching porn, he’s having an affair, but I know it’s not those things either. He’s in medical school and we live with his parents, not to mention any opportunity he gets he just comes home and sleeps. His computer is in our living room, next to mine, and he doesn’t have any social media. He’s a wonderful man and the person I love but our sex life is driving me crazy and in not a good way LOL
EDIT : A lot of people are commenting/saying the same thing so I’ll add some more context
- We dated for two years before we got married, and we’ve been married for two years. Itwas our decision to do so, there really was no “pressure” or force in it I’ve only noticed these issues since we got married. They weren’t there while we were dating.
- I mention religious upbringing yes a little bit for maybe the shame aspect but in regards to currently neither of us are very religious
- In the nicest way possible, he’s not gay. I think asexual would describe him a lot better, but he’s not gay.
- He is neurodivergent/ and I suspect maybe on the spectrum? I’m not too sure nor do I have diagnosing capabilities
- Yes we live with his parents but their house is a mansion and we have the entire basement to ourselves. We have our own front door, kitchen, living room and garage. It’s more like a mini apartment than sharing an actual home with them.
- I have tried talking to him but he just never wants to talk about it. He’s like this with all forms of communicating, I really have to wrangle stuff out of him but the sex stuff just really makes him shut down