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The original was posted on /r/twoxchromosomes by /u/SimplySorbet on 2023-10-01 09:37:02.

TW: Sexual Assault,

So to preface I’m someone who’s always had a complicated relationship with my body and sexuality. I grew up having vaginismus (not sure why), grew up with poor sex ed in a town with heavy purity culture, I didn’t try masturbation until adulthood and then disappointingly realized I don’t like my clit being touched at all, I also didn’t date or do anything sexual until I was 18 (I’m now 20), and I have a very low libido that I feel very embarrassed about. I’m also still inexperienced.

Anyway, in the past two years I have dated two men. Both unfortunately overstepped my boundaries. With my first bf it was one time, and I think a legitimate mistake on his part. My second bf however sexually coerced me many times when I would say no and when I lost my “virginity” to him he didn’t care that I was in excruciating pain, until the end when he noticed the tears streaming down my face and I flopped onto the bed after disassociating.

These experiences, especially with my most recent ex, have left me traumatized. I’m getting help but I feel so confused on how I’m supposed to trust or be attracted to men again. To be honest, there is a small part of me that hates men and it disturbs me, because I don’t want to feel that way.

How do I even date in my 20s if I barely have a sex drive? If I were asexual I would seek out another but I’m not. I also can’t crave sex because almost all of my formative experiences with sex have either been bad or at worst life altering. My vaginismus progress has also been reset which is so demoralizing because I worked so hard to get to a point where I could have sex. I feel like all I’ve learned from all of this is people I love don’t care about my comfort, wants, or consent. My effort is never reciprocated.

I went through months of using dilators, unlearning my harmful beliefs around sex, and learning to be comfortable with intimacy all for him. Meanwhile I couldn’t even get him to do foreplay or aftercare or the position we had previously agreed upon to reduce my pain . He actually lost sexual interest in me after we had sex because of my tears he thought he had raped me.

Most guys my age watch a lot of porn and women are expected to do what is depicted and that scares me. My most traumatic moments were from guys doing stuff from behind me or in doggy and it seems like all the men I know want to do stuff from the back which I just can’t… Furthermore, I’m not someone interested in casual sex and honestly I don’t even know if I’m physically capable of it which I know is a deal breaker for most.

I also can’t tell anyone besides my counselor because I have the same friend group as him and I can’t talk to my parents about it.

I feel so scared, alone, bitter, distraught, and angry. I can’t even calm down my adrenal system because everyday I see my ex and I’m triggered and brought back to all the horrible things? What do I do? How can someone love me like this? How can I love again?