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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/No-Village9800 on 2023-10-01 15:27:01.
Throwaway Account
I (35m) and I have one daughter Annalisa (5f). However, there was a time when I was the legal father to “Annabell” (15f) but. I am not her biological father. I didn’t discover this until she was 3 and was angry about it for years.
Her mom, “Rachel” (35f), was the daughter of my mom’s friend so I knew Rachel for many years before we started dating in high school. After high school Rachel wanted to get married but I wanted to wait until after college, we fought over this but Rachel relented. However, during my studies Rachel announced that she was pregnant. She was delighted but I was devastated and was made to feel like the villain for not being immediately happy that I was going to be a dad.
I was at college through an athletic scholarship but was forced to dropout because I couldn’t do the sports and work a full time job so I could support Rachel and her baby. I ended up having to move back home and get a job at my dad’s company (something I never wanted) and look into trade school. I was also pressured by Rachel and my family to do the “right thing” and by the time I was 21 I was married and raising a child. I was not happy at all but had resigned myself to this being life for the next 20 years until the wife “Lisa” (55f) of the man that really got Rachel pregnant confronted her. There was a DNA test and I was livid, Rachel begged for forgiveness and everyone around me was trying to get me to work on the marriage. The only people who I felt were on my side were Lisa and my uncle.
Thanks to Lisa I was able to get out of legal responsibility for Anna as she agreed to take a lesser sum in the divorce if it meant that her ex was providing child support. I moved out and never looked back. There were moments where I thought about Anna when it first happened but because I was working so much there wasn’t much of an emotional bond for me and I eventually got over it.
I managed to make a new life for myself and kept in contact with Lisa who introduced me to the daughter of her friend “Kerry” (31f) and we started getting involved. She eventually got pregnant and we went in on a duplex so we could be better co-parents. I gave no bones about giving our kid’s Kerry’s surname as we weren’t married but I always wanted a daughter with my great-grandma’s name. Since Rachel ruined the original idea, I came up with a variation of the name. Rachel’s mom is still friends with my mom so Rachel and Annabell would still come around family gatherings, which is why I would see my family less. This past weekend I took Annalisa to see my uncle and Annabell was there.
She smiled at Annalisa and called herself my daughter’s sister. I corrected that right then and there and told Annalisa that Annabell was just the daughter of someone I used to be close with and that Annalisa is an only child. Annabell got sad and walked away and now people are getting on my case AITA?
ETA: I’m seeing some comments down here that makes me want to clear up a few things.
- I’ve stated this before in the post but I left when Annabell was 3 and made no attempts to maintain a relationship, so I find it very hard to believe that Annabell would still even view me as a father figure.
- I was very calm when I corrected Annabell, I didn’t yell, cuss, or let my voice show any hostile energy.
- I live in a different state and have so since before Annalisa was born. I almost never go to my parents house because they kept trying to ambush me with Rachel and Annabell a few times, so Annalisa has never seen Annabell before.
- I did go very low contact with my parents for about 5 years after the crap they kept trying to pull and only got in better contact when my paternal grandma passed away in 2020. However, I will never be as close with my parents again.
- I can recognize that Annabell was just a kid and had no control over what her mom did, but what I don’t understand is why I need to maintain a relationship with her.
- I lost out on going to college and getting the career I actually wanted because I thought I had to be a father. My parents don’t come from money so when I lost my scholarship that was it for me for a long time. I worked my butt off to go back to school while working full time but still ended up with debt, and it didn’t have to be that way.
- One of the reasons why my parents stood by Rachel was because Lisa’s ex-husband was her supervisor and Rachel’s parents were sure that he took advantage of her. For the longest time I saw that as a bunch of b.s. but after the Me Too movement I can see how that’s possible, but I still don’t see how that makes her trying to pass off Annabell as mine forgivable.
- If Annabell had come to me and asked if it was okay if she could pursue a sisterly relationship with Annalisa, then maybe I would’ve been more open to it but she didn’t.