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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/beigewoodtable on 2023-10-02 01:31:08.
My boyfriend (m35) and I (f33) have been together for a bit over year and living together for 5 months. Overall, we’ve both shared that we enjoy living together. When it comes to daily housework, we do a good job of sharing tasks like washing the dishes, making the bed, laundry, etc. There are certain tasks I find myself doing more, like cleaning kitchen surfaces and sweeping, and tasks he does more like mowing and grocery shopping.
My issue lies with the less frequent, but equally important tasks. Things like changing the bed sheets, mopping, scrubbing the toilet, wiping down windows and mirrors, wiping off furniture surfaces, cleaning the shower, dusting baseboards, etc. He has done them just a handful of times since we’ve moved in. He sees me doing them, so he knows they are things that need to be done, and theyre overwhelming completed by me. I’ve brought up to him multiple tjmes that id like him to contribute more. He usually became defensive or gave excuses. He says because of his ADHD he doesnt notice when it gets dirty or forgets. In the end, he says he will do better and then takes up some of those tasks for the day, but theres no long term improvement.
Today i found myself again working my ass off on these chores. i approached him again about my frustration and he got very defensive and downright angry. we both escalated quickly and it turned into mutual yelling. He again cited his ADHD as the cause. i said he does amazing at managing his adhd in his career and in other tasks by using strategies like setting reminders, alarms, putting things into a calendar, etc. He should implement them for housework too if he cant remember. he told me to write him a list of what needs to be done and when. i said no because im not taking on the mental load of being the household manager and sent him a video about how it is unfair when women have to manage and delegate tasks and schedules for their spouse to do their share of the work. Eventually i just sent him a chore list and schedule i found online because im not sitting down for an hour to make one.
the fight dragged on and at one point he brought up that i do things that annoy him too… like when i left a candle burning and a throw pillow got a burn mark (we were both in the room when this happened and the pillow was accidentally nudged from the bed to the nightstand). i thought that comment was unrelated to the real issue. it ended in me saying i wasnt going to end up in a misogynistic household where the woman is expected to do most of the cleaning and manage when others clean.
am i being unreasonable? AITA?
NTA, but here’s the really nasty thing:
ADHD has different motivations to an NT or other ND (such as ASD). It’s very **very ** heavily tied into interest and desire. Which are two things that housework is infamous for not being.
The venn between ADHD and “arsehole behaviour” is almost a single goddamn circle.
Does this negate the fact he could be using his ADHD as an excuse? fuck no. But speaking as someone who’s been married over a decade to someone with similar avoidance dances…you’re dealing with a dude who’s literally got executive dysfunction and does not think the same way you do. You’re gonna have to work it out .
He sees me doing them, so he knows they are things that need to be done
Yeah that’s not how “needs to be done” is defined. Just because someone comes into your life and starts doing something you don’t do, is not an indication that you now need to be doing this thing.
Next time you intend to live with someone communicate about expected levels of cleanliness first.
