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The original was posted on /r/detrans by /u/Barzona on 2023-10-02 16:02:15.

I think I have finally figured everything out: I do not have a gender identity, I just have a gender expression that used to be compromised by my conservative family and it led me to have gender dysphoria for almost 10 years. It still affects me to this day, but I eventually overcame most of it with time and finally became comfortable with my natural masculinity.

I was running from my masculinity because I felt like being too masculine was going to force me to express myself a certain way and live a life I couldn’t live. I’d shave off all my body and facial hair, I grew my hair out, and dressed very androgynously. It was rough. It got in the way of a ton of growth that I’m only getting to enjoy now.

I know that people, myself included, give the trans community a lot of shit for obsessing over gender identity, but if you really think about it, the conservative right is just as obsessed with gender identity. If you’ve ever met a guy who says things like “I don’t do this or that because I’m a MAN,” you’ve just met someone with a gender-based identity, and a fragile one at that. It’s the obsession with gender identity that causes damage to everyone. That’s the root of it all.

If my “queer” gender expression isn’t being compromised or stifled, then anyone’s perception of how I carry myself can neither validate OR invalidate me. I validate myself by accepting who and what I am.

Pronouns? If someone calls me “he” because they see me as male, that’s fine, I have no problem being male. If someone calls me “she” because they are tuned into my feminine energy, that’s also fine. If someone calls me “they” because they want to be considerate of someone who might be having a gender identity crisis, that’s also fine. Considerate people are kind.

Conversely, if someone calls me “she” because they can tell that I’m gay and they are taking a dig at me, that’s mean, but it doesn’t make me feel insecure. That’s their failing. If someone projects some hardcore male expectation on me, that’s misguided of them and that was the source of my dysphoria in the first place, but that can also no longer hurt me. I’m no longer trapped in that conservative cage. If someone is referring to me as “they” because they want to claim me as nonbinary, that would annoy me in a whole other way since it’s yet another person in my life projecting a gender identity onto me just like my family projected “man” onto me, but I still don’t have to go in for it. Just because my expression isn’t “binary,” it doesn’t mean that I have to identify as “nonbinary.” That, too, comes with fragility and I’m not fragile about it, so there’s no point.

If my sense of self is based on knowing and accepting myself, and if I am free to be the kind of human that I naturally am, then my identity is not gendered and cannot be threatened by anyone “not getting it.” I do not have a gender identity, I have an identity. I do not label myself, I call myself Joseph.

This all being said, while I reject the whole concept of gender identity at this point, I will still respect that, for whatever reason, gender identity might still be affecting someone. The guy I gave an example of up above might have been conditioned to be insecure about not being masculine enough. He might live his life in fear that if anyone around him doesn’t perceive him as a man, he might no longer exist. I don’t have to antagonize anyone like that if he’s not trying to harm me, I’ll just be cool and respect how he feels, but if a person is an insecure pain to be around because of this, I might not want to spend time around them.

This is the attitude I’m leading with from now on. It’s perfect and I can navigate any space with it. I no longer feel compromised at all. Hallelujah lol