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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2024-09-02 12:44:18+00:00.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwalady_

I [22 F] think I need to break up with my boyfriend [23 M] . . . of 8 years.

Original Post  Nov 20, 2017

Throwaway because I want to keep this separate from my main account.

Wow. Okay, where to begin. We’ve been dating for 8 years. We met in high school, and have been together ever since. We’ve grown and changed with each other - miraculously - and our relationship has been amazing. We were always communicative to each other, always doted on one another, have inside-jokes that are years long, and have become so comfortable with who we are as a couple. Our relationship by all means is a wonderful one.

But, I guess I wouldn’t be posting here if it was so wonderful, would I.

As we’ve entered into adulthood, I started asking the bigger questions that I realized I wasn’t really getting answers on. He’s been against having kids, but I want kids. My biggest advice I received was to wait for his ‘real’ answer when we were older because I asked these questions after dating for 4 years. I asked him what he wanted to do with his future, where he saw himself career wise and what he was feeling about who he was as a person. If he was changing and growing. To be honest, whenever we speak about these things I always feel like. . .it gets really quiet, he becomes shorter with his words. A lot of "I don’t know"s. After asking questions many times, I get some answers once he’s thought about it. But this scenario has always been regular for us – I’m asking bigger questions, trying to get feedback, and he gives little answers and asks to think about them.

But we have always moved along. Next day, next season. We’re really happy with each other. We cuddle and watch Netflix TV shows, go to the ice rink, having romantic dinners and tell each other how much we adore one another. But those questions start to bother me. Why doesn’t he want to answer them? Why doesn’t he ask those about me? Is it necessarily bad that he doesn’t want to ask? I mean, we’re only in our 20s. But. . .We’ve been dating for 8 years. The toss and turn was agonizing. I felt like I was waiting for an answer for a question I asked years ago, regardless of the timeline. I felt more and more pressure to have them answered. . .because we’ve been talking about marriage.

When I would forget that those questions were so important to me, everything was hunky dory. We’d talk about where we would live, the animals we would have - and name them, the kinds of tv shows we’d watch on a weekly basis. I pushed the issues I had been feeling in my core back inside, because I figured ‘If I’m a patient girlfriend, a loving one, a supportive one, our relationship will get better. How long we’ve stayed together is testament to our ability to grow together. We’ve done it this long, why wouldn’t it continue happening?’

But it hasn’t. It really hasn’t guys. This last weekend something snapped.

We were looking for places to live. We had three appointments. I was looking around the apartment, looking at the kitchen, looking at our bedroom. When we kissed each other goodbye after a post-appointment cuddle/nap, and I went back home. . .I burst out crying in the car. I was sobbing. When I got home I called my mom, she came over, I was broken. Something died. Something straight up died.

I don’t know what’s going on. I think I need to break up with him. I don’t think this is the kind of change that I can ask of him. I don’t think asking him to change is fair. It’s not that I haven’t been patient, I have. He HAS been giving me his answer to all my questions, I just haven’t been happy with what they are. The silence, the skirting around the topic, the "I don’t know"s. I thought we could grow through any scenario, but moving in together put it all into perspective for me. I’m not ready to move in with this guy.

Earlier in the year, he told me he was alright with kids, with having them, too. After that conversation, such a huge flood of relief hit me that I think spurred this season of ignorance. He answered my biggest, big question, so I was happy. But the reality is setting in. Does he actually mean that? Did he say that to appease my asking? He has told me that I’m the best thing to happen to him, that he loves me and that I inspire him to be a better person, and that he’s happy he’s with me because he wouldn’t know how to date anyone else at this point since we’ve been together for so long.

I wish he had the motivation and drive and a goal for himself. I wish he thought about his future. I wish he was more excited about life, more positive about life. I wish he wasn’t so angry at people and himself. I wish he approached his problems readily and openly. I wish he was more emotionally available.

I wish I knew how to do this without destroying him, because I think it will. His family would all turn on him, I know it. We’ve been talking about marriage. We’re looking at places to live together. And I just imploded. I imploded.

My gut is telling me to do this, and it’s never been wrong. But how? How on earth do I do this?

tl;dr: My 8 year relationship fell apart in my heart over the weekend, and now I struggle with how to break up with my boyfriend when we’ve been talking about marriage and moving in together.

EDIT: Thank you everyone, so much, for your comments. All of them, I’ve read every one. I think after the initial hysteria and realization of what I was feeling, and putting it into written word, that I’ve come to realize what I’m truly feeling. I’ll post an update after this weekend when I talk with him, I’ll tell you how it goes.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

acuteamericium

Hi, what you wrote really impacted me and I would like to thank you for sharing that. I too have been feeling the same way as you in my own relationship, but I haven’t been able to process the words.

I don’t really have advice, I haven’t dealt with my situation but what I will say is this; It is possible to grow from here. You are young, your future is bright and you know what you want in life. You are too young to settle on the things that you will grow into. If you do breakup, it won’t be easy, but you sure as hell will make it through. There has been a quote that I has been ringing through my head the past couple days:

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. - Mark Twain.

I hope that you find what is best for you

OOP

I couldn’t even read that entire quote, I started tearing up. There are two sides to me, the side that is firm in her decision, understands she made it long ago, and was waiting for the other half of me to wake up. Then the other side, is the side that loves him, loves what we are, loves who he is and is blissfully ignorant.

Thank you for your encouragement. There is growth that can come from this. I don’t want to settle, I don’t want to be unhappy. I just thought it was him, for the longest time. And now it’s not.

I’ll be okay, but holy shit this is going to hurt. And I’m the one who’s doing it. To him, his family, our friends. 8 years builds a huge network, and I’ll be shutting part of it down. I’ll recover, I know people will be okay and I’ll be okay, but causing hurt is just not what I do. But I can do it if it’s for myself.

~

jolie178923-15423435

“I wish he wasn’t so angry at people and himself.”

There’s something here. What is he angry about?

OOP

He gets angry at people online, angry at bad drivers on the road. He gets angry when he’s competitive, he gets angry when things don’t happen like they should. I’ve told him he needs to see someone about it but he hates therapists. He has a lot of resentment in his heart. When it’s good, it’s great. When it’s bad, it’s awful. He’s never violent, but he raises his voice, curses, and flips things over sometimes (like controllers or folders). I’ve never felt alright about it.

Whenever he would start doing that stuff to me I would put my foot down and let him know very clearly he is never to treat me that way. It’s the single thing I’ve been unrelenting and strong about. He promised me the next time ‘it became a problem’ he would see someone about it but there have been little bursts that don’t warrant a problem, but are enough to put me on edge. This is a problem he doesn’t want to address for painful reasons I think, but it has definitely added to the problem of me not wanting to be with him in the long term unless he got help and figured it out.

OOP when told she’s not done growing and to be the best version of herself

This is so real and this is exactly why I posted on reddit. And in a small way, even though I know he thinks I’m great too, I’d like to think that there’s a best version of a partner out there for him too.

[Update - rareddit](https://www.rareddit.com/r/relationships/comments/7fwk3g/update_i_22_f_think_i_need_to_br…

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